Triggering (SI/OD) - Miss being hospitalized and stuff.

Ghostface · 14-04-2009, 02:49 AM

I really can't make it on my own. Even though the 2 months in hospital(september-november 08)was a really rough time I still miss it. Despite of a SA while I was hospitalized I did feel kinda safe there, like I could relax a bit.

Now Im tense all the time, I didnt even realize until one day last week when I actually relaxed for the first time in ages. It was such a weird feeling, it made me realize that every muscle in my body is full of tension day in and day out. Ive been hospitalized once more this year, in january, but only for a week. Which was pretty useless cause I knew they were gonna "kick" me out so I was really stressed(well, the main reason was to keep me there until I wasnt suicidal anymore, so I guess that worked).

I cut almost every day and have way too many suicidal thoughts(not suicidal atm though). Im diagnosed with bipolar 2 and I got tons of medication and stuff...It does kinda help...Or, I feel like it makes me more stable, but then on the other hand Im not able to cry or anything, it locks up my emotions.
Im so f*ckin tired of trying. I see a psychiatric nurse(she also handles my medication)once a week and a therapist once a week...Im also getting this support person now, she's supposed to get me out of my appartment, being more social and stuff.
Its not like I dont have people I can hang out with, but I just find it so hard. The only one I havent drifted away from is my bestfriend and the people from the hospital. It's so hard to hang with "normal" people.
I also think Im developing an ED

I guess I should be happy cause I get help...Everyone keeps telling me I need to be motivated for it to help and so on...And they ask me what they can do to help me? But I dont know anymore. I just wanna hide. Ive been here so many times before. I cant be helped. I'll just self-destruct and die.

hope51 · 14-04-2009, 04:17 AM

I kinda know how you feel, i found it really hard to adjust when i left hospital bearly went out or saw anyone, i didn't know how to cope on my own in the outside world i guess. I'd like to think that i'm slowly getting past that though and trying to put the whole hospital expereince behind me. Sorry don't really know what else to say, expect your not alone i'm only a pm away if you wanna chat. X

Steel Maiden · 14-04-2009, 11:18 AM

I got partially institutionalised once. Its hard to get out of hospital, especially when I was there for four months. I think the best thing to do is to work with those who are caring for you as things will get better.

XxLostxX · 14-04-2009, 05:44 PM

It can be really tough when you first come out of hospital to re-intergrate with your friends and just general life.

When your used to set routine and people knowing you have problems. Then back in society you just another person , another face in the crowd i suppose..
Have you tried to contact any of you friends? Maybe arrange a day out , or somethign. I know it can be hard to get the 'where have you been' question.. Thats something you need to decide wheter to tell people or make up an excuse.
Have you thought of joining a group , to do with something your intrested in to make some new friends it also means you get to go out and meet new people and can help you readjust to life.
even things like.. st john ambulance (if you like helping people) down to art groups and stuff. theres lots around

Try and make the best of the services that are helping, i know they can be a bit of a pain, but things will improve quicker with the support of professionals.

Your welcome to pm me if you ever need a chat
xx

Ghostface · 15-04-2009, 07:04 AM

Thanks for all your answers, much appreciated :)

I live in Norway, so there's not that many groups around...Not that Im aware of at least. But there's this youth group for people who've had/have mental problems, so Im thinking about cheking it out.

I do hang out with my friends every now and then, but its not the same as it used to. And they have other friends, so Im usually the one who has to take the iniative.

And also, school is pretty rough. Im used to having friends in school, but now I dont have any. None of them knows why Ive been gone, and by the time I got back everyone had gotten closer and stuff too.

Im turning 18 next weekend, which means if Im gonna be hospitalized in the future, it'll probably be in an adult section, which scars the crap out of me!

Steel Maiden · 15-04-2009, 06:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ghostface

Thanks for all your answers, much appreciated :)

I live in Norway, so there's not that many groups around...Not that Im aware of at least. But there's this youth group for people who've had/have mental problems, so Im thinking about cheking it out.

I do hang out with my friends every now and then, but its not the same as it used to. And they have other friends, so Im usually the one who has to take the iniative.

And also, school is pretty rough. Im used to having friends in school, but now I dont have any. None of them knows why Ive been gone, and by the time I got back everyone had gotten closer and stuff too.

Im turning 18 next weekend, which means if Im gonna be hospitalized in the future, it'll probably be in an adult section, which scars the crap out of me!

You should check out the youth club.
I have that with most of my friends. They have other friends and don't give a toss about me. I've almost lost contact with some of them. Although I do have my soulmate who would die for me.
I missed five months of school once due to a long hospitalisation and getting sectioned etc. When I came back it was scary, but it gets better.
Adult wards are crappier than adolescent wards, but I find that when I've been there, and when I'm not so ill I can't talk and attack everyone in sight (i.e. when I'm somewhat recovering, because at the beginning of my admission, I am more often than not severely psychotic), I try to have conversations with the patients. I have made a lot more friends in adult wards than adolescent wards because I'm forced to talk to the other patients a lot - there is nothing else really to do. Its bad at the beginning, but when you find a patient or two who you get along with, you stick by them and spend all day with them.