|
Triggering (SI/OD) - a ticking timebomb
ive spent around 2 months of this year in hospital because of suicide attempts etc. And right now im back, feeling like im going to flip that self destruction switch at any moment. Im trying to think and fight against the urges/thoughts but im so exhausted. Every day im no better than the previous despite surviving it by accepting it might be better, or rather talking myself into it.
I cant explain it and i cant cope with it. I just want it to stop. If i
self harm thats when it gets bad. i cant stop when i start and it usually results in an od.
i dont know what to do, well thats stupid because i do know exactly what to do when im feeling like this, i even had it written down by my social worker of who to contact. But at the same time this self destructing urge i have inside my head stops me from doing those things.
i should be working with them and i am trying but its not so easy. I dont particularly want to be dead, i mean not many people do want to be dead, they want a way out, an escape from the unmanagable emotions. Yet, i cant seem to get it out of my head. it just would be so easy, but not for everyone else, thats what i cant do. In the end, im one person who is yes, going thru hell, but if i was successful then 50 people would go thru hell. how can i do that?
Im trying to talk myself out of this whole place im in right now, any support would be appreciated.
|
