Triggering (Sexual Abuse) - Mini update & asking for advice about docs.
I don't really know why I'm writing this, to be honest. I mean, I just got back from holiday. Like, I landed an hour and a half ago. I should be buzzing. I should feel great. First holiday without any "adult" type people.
So why do I want to cut so badly?
So much stuff happened in Tenerief that I can't even begin to start. I never really fitted in, to be honest. 4 girls and 5 blokes. But one girl and one bloke were a couple, which made it 3 girls and 4 blokes. Sitting in pairs on coaches & rides, or just walking along in 2's, I was always the one left out. I didn't really mind that much, but it didn't help. I was the one in the room by myself, cos my roommate went and slept in her boyfriend's bed. Again, I didn't really mind, but it didn't help.
I can't remember how much alcohol I drank. I'm still paying for Wednesday night. A foam party. A great laugh 'til someone shoved foam in my mouth, put his hands places I didn't want them & basically totally freaked me out/triggered me [from the sexual abuse POV] and I ended up passing out on the stairs outside the hall/room/thing and being put to bed by my mates - after screaming at them. So now they all I know what happened with Paul [no, I still can't say the word].
I'm worried sick about someone I love.
& I've done my knee in. :(
I have a doctors appointment on Monday. I'm petrified. I originally made it for my headaches, before I went on holiday. But I'm gonna try and ask for some help again. Maybe I need it. But how do I do that without going "I'm self harming again"? I mean, whenever I've been crying out for help before it's always been a way of doing it. If that makes sense. Like, "I feel really bad, here's the cuts to prove it". How do I do that without having any cuts? Urgh, I'm not making any sense, sorry. But hopefully someone understands. I'm really hoping that one of my best mates will come with me though, and to be honest he won't let me worm my way out of doing it. But I'm still petrified.
There's other stuff too, but I'm too exhausted to go into that right now.
Dont worry about why your writing this, your doing it because you need to express how your feeling. I hear you about returning from holiday,
Im sorry hugs you, that right now your not buzzing or feeling so great.
Its good this is your first holiday without any adults.
Hey im sorry so much stuff happend in tenerife, and that you didnt really feel like you fitted in. It must have been hard being in twos and often feeling left out chels. Hugs you.
Im glad the foam party was a laugh, until as you say someone messed it up by shoving foam in your mouth grr. And how difficult for you that someone tried to get to close, and triggered you chels, hugs you,
they should have respected your comfort zone and been respectfull to you. Passing out must have been terrible, its good your friends helped you to bed, i hear you about screaming at them, but chels im sure they understand its not surprising you were angry. Im sorry they found out about what happened to you with paul, if you didnt want them to know.
You have coped so well chels really with dealing with this stuff, that unfortunatly you should never had to experience, you should have been able to go away without adults and been able to enjoy the holiday.
I hear you to about being worried right now about someone you love,
please be gentle with yourself chels and hold on.
hey and hurting your knee to , youve been in the wars havent you,
It sounds good youve got a drs appointment on monday, i hear your worry tho chels to, its good you made it for your headaches, please do use it to ask for more help it sounds like you need a bit more help, please try and ask for it. I hear you about going and saying i need help look here are the cuts to show i need help.
But chels you can go to your dr and say i need help because ...
without having to show cuts or a physical injury, often its something people cant see, but its clearly affecting you. just be brave and honest and tell your dr what is wrong, you can do it.
i hope ive understood what your saying you are making sense to me
im sure one of your best mates will go with you, and will help you to go and ask for the support you need.
no worries chels you get off and try and rest you need some sleep
please sleep well
take care
hugs
Dave
" Use only that which Works, and take it from any place you find it" Im Honoured My RYL Sons are :)Atlantica, ,Saint of Misery, Stevevaijr
My Adoptee :)S_Pod live help
maybe just try writing it out. That you feel like harming again, if you arent actually. Dont feel that without cuts you dont deserve help...because you do.
Not sure what else to offer/say...my heads to muddled today...
but i hope your friend comes along than it has to be said...
let us know what happens ok?
pls take care hun
romp
hi chels...
really nice to see you back!!
i really do understand the need to cut to cry out for help. ive done it so many times. and it always seemed to me that if i didnt have cuts the docs didnt really pay as much attention or take me as seriously.
BUT, try not to harm yourself just for that reason. in fact, you could voice your concerns about that to your doc. explain that you felt you needed to harm because its a physical way to show how you feel.
i agree with romp about writing it out that way you have a plan before you go and it wont be as scary.
im really proud of you for doing this.
will be thinking of you.
much love.
xx
i learned the hard way that Foam Parties are creep traps. Only time i have ever smacked someone hard enough to make them fall over was when some guy at a foam party kept touching me.
you should come and talk to me on msn. or i will talk to you if i see you.
I know it's hard, but maybe just being completely open with the doctor.
Write a few notes of what you want to say?
Luke suggested to me to write a letter, so maybe that could help you?
I can empathise with the fact it doesn't look like you really need help until you have cuts on your arms to prove it, but you can get the help you need without resorting to that.
It sounds like you have a good group of friends around you that do care and do look after you even though they left you out slightly.
Voice your fears with them, maybe they can help plan out the doctors.
I hope the doctors go ok and let us know because we all care so much.
