(not sure if it might trigger but i don't think it will) a shoulder to cry on

[bleedingbeauty]

i don't know what to do. My father pasted away in september of 2006 and his birthday is july 21 i find it very hard and even harder when the date gets closer. I haven't cut in 2-3 years i won't lie i wanted to very much when he passed and i want to now. my sister is getting married on his birthday and i am a brides maid. i don't know if i can stand up there and not cry. the only reason why she is getting married on that date is because 1 her future husband grandfather is not doing so weel and one night he woke up out of a dead sleep and said that they where getting married on july 21st the other reason is so it gives my mothers mind off of my dad but i find my self holding back the tears when i amat work or in front of my husband because i think i upset him when i cry. Its not like he does it intentionally. but i feel like a burdon to him and my family when i think of my dad. I loved him so much i would have givin him my heart if they would have let mei do have to say that i told a friend that if was to die i would kill my self. But i was lucky because i have my wounderful husband that i can live for. i am not trying to offend people when i say that but its how i felt. My dad was my whole world. He treated me like i was a person unlike my mother. You know the funny thing is my mother really didn't want anything to do with me ( i didn't do anything for her to treat me like that) but now she talks to me more than anyone else. but anyways can any one give me way to distract my mind from my thoughts.i also saw my father at home after he passed but before they took the body and now that memory plays over and over in my head so i am also asking how do you get that image out of your head. So if any one can help that would be great.not sure if it might trigger but i don't think it will if it does let me know.

[one_step_closer]

I'm really sorry about the delay in replying to your thread, I hope that things are ok. It must be really difficult for you to be going through this, I can understand that this will be the first anniversary of your Dad's birthday since he died and it will be very painful for you.

You're doing very well with the self harm, if you can, try to find another way of coping with your feelings. Self harm will only make things worse for you in the long run. Maybe after your sister's wedding you could do something for your Dad, go to a quiet place and think about him, or do something that he enjoyed. Writing a letter to him might also help, it's as if you are communicating with him in some way. I think that it is important that you have someone to support you through this, I know that you have said that it upsets your husband when you cry but i'm sure that he would rather you talked to him than held everything inside.

Your emotions will still be very raw right now, it hasn't been long since your Dad died. Have you ever considered talking to someone outwith your friends and family, perhaps a grief counsellor?

I understand what you mean about the last memory you have of your Dad going round in your mind. My Mum died a not very nice death and I watched her die, for years all I could see when I though of her was the way that she died. It might help if you write down all your thoughts and feelings about his death, and how he looked when you last saw him. If you do this for a few days, read what you have written, and destroy it, it can be almost like destroying some of the bad feelings and memories.

I know that right now it might be difficult for you to look back at the happy times without getting upset, but that can also help. The more happy memories you have, the less powerful that last negative memory will become. The main thing is that all this will take time, try to accept how you are feeling and don't hold things in. If you hold things in too much they will build up to a point where you are unable to cope. You can always use live help, email a supporter, or pm me any time. I am thinking about you. Take care. xxx

[HazelButterfly]

you know you can call me ANYTIME!!! *hugs* call me if you need to sweetie...

love ya
Ash