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Triggering (SI) - Almost relapse, need. . . something?
I don't know what's wrong with me tonight. I haven't cut in several years. It's always on my mind, I still look at peoples' arms when I mean them and I still visit this site, but I have managed to not hurt myself physically in three years.
Tonight. . . it's such a backstory. Short version - boy I like and I fooled around. He wasn't ready for sex. Then he slept with a girl in my apartment while I was at work. Then we got together more. He became one my best friends. He went out of town. He came back and was really distant. We ended up sleeping together again and then I found out he was dating the girl he went to visit out of town. Okay, fine. We'll be friends. I wish he would have told me three weeks previous so I wouldn't have slept with him while he had a girlfriend, but I'll deal.
Yes, I'm hurt. Yes, I'm going to cry. No, I don't trust you right now. But we will still be friends, that's fine.
Okay, they break up right after he tells me. So stuff happens again.
Then she comes to town to visit.
I'm so bloody paranoid or upset or something. I haven't really been able to be with him and yes, he's an idiot and jerk, but he's my best friend regardless of any of that and I don't know how to react to him.
Then tonight, he was being affectionate earlier. And then it just sort of stopped. We've been drinking and just watching movies. He passes out. I went to go to the bathroom and found myself standing with the door locked and a knife in my hand ready to cut my leg or some hidden place.
I know I'm stressed and that's probably what brought it on. But I can't do this. I don't want to go back, I really don't. I could easily fall for him except that I can't (again, LONG, involved story) so I'm stuck in this situation of uncertainty. And I think that's what is bringing up these feelings.
That, and I was madly in love with him when i was 15 and that was the height of my SI problems. Maybe that is bringing it out.
I don't know. I just need advice on how to avoid finding myself in a situation holding a knife when it is something I don't want to want. I feel lost and I feel alone. I would love to just talk to him or someone about it but I can't. So really. . . anything. .
i don't want to hurt anymore
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