Triggering (SI/Suicide) - fucked up

[airwolf282]

I really fucked up. I said some things to a close friend and have lost her forever. I don't know why I'm writing this. I don't deserve to be here, I don't deserve to be breathing right now. I ended what was a month without SI. I didn't just cut but it was done more aggresively than what I have done before. I have a gift at fucking up friendships. Last year it happened with someone who killed herself less than 2 days after. What's going to be next. I always snap and end up hurting people who I care about. I can't take it anymore. I hate myself. I hate my life. I'm so pathetic I couldn't even kill myself properly when I tried. I'm just so sick of being me.

[Buttons.]

Hi there,
Often when we feel low and are hurting we lash out at the people close to us; sometimes that is our way of coping, or we want to push them away, or some other reason. Is it worth trying to talk to your friend once they've cooled off, maybe give it a day or so then give them a ring, go round, or if those are too hard, write them a letter?

When something like this distresses you so much it is perfectly understandable for you to return to old coping mechanisms like self harm. It's your choice however, how you view this-you can see it as a slip up, pick yourself up and carry on down the road of recovery, or you can give in to the urges. It's your choice, though we are all here to help you.

It is so unfortunate that you lost that person to suicide so shortly after an arguement, though it is important to hold onto the fact that this was not your fault. No one arguement, no matter how horrific the arguement or the hurt might have been, would cause someone to committ suicide-as I'm sure you know from experience it's a long build up of difficult emotions and/or depression.

I'm very glad to hear that you didn't manage to kill yourself, though I do identify with the feelings of failure surrounding that.

Katy.

[airwolf282]

Thanks Katy. It helps to know there is someone here that cares. I wasn't expecting any replies at all. Unfortunately the friendship that ended is gone forever. I tried to apologise and gave her time but she still doesn't want to continue our friendship so I realised that I have to accept that she's gone from my life now and I have to move on. I'm just so sorry that I hurt her feelings. I really wish I could give her a hug and apologise but it cannot be I just have to learn how to cope better and not push anymore people I love away.

I certainly don't want to be cutting forever or self harming at all for that matter. I just want a normal life like many take for granted. I want to have friends, a family, a decent job etc. I've been making some ground slowly by going to college again. I hate my scars, I now realise they are most ugly feature, not that I view myself as physically appealing at all. I'm going to give the website moodgym another try, just to see if I can re- learn those coping skills. I will give my counsellor a call later this week when I'm not studying. I'm really busy with that at the moment and it didn't help that I missed Monday's class because I was still suicidal and recovering from my injuries.

Anyway I better go because my wife has called me out to have dinner. Thanks again for being kind enough to reply to me. I'm here for you too if you ever want to talk ok?

Nathan

[*..life in pain..*]

Nathan, im sorry this friendship ended, i know its very hard, im going through the same thing and its very difficult, at least for me, to move on. but i guess we can do it.

i hope you had a nice time with your wife. you should go out and have fun when you feel down, no matter how hard it is. trust me, it helps.

since you want to stop self harming, try your best. if you feel like doing it, pm me ok? whatever you need.

[Katiee]

Hun, you're not pathetic and you do deserve to be here and breathing. *HUGS* Well done on a month without self-harming, that's really good sweetie. :] Maybe the next time you have the urge try using distractions? Are you getting any support or anything, if not maybe you could talk to someone about what's happening? xo.