Triggering (SI/Suicide) - For Hating Them, I Blame Myself.
Argh. What the #### is wrong with me? Why am I such a ####ing horrible person?
Today's been horrible, like really horrible. I actually wished I hadn't got up.
I don't want to talk about what happened, just family members pissing me off, then I get told I'm the problem?. Then, I wanted to take my mind off it so I came on here.. but then my laptop switched itself off because it over-heated! Though it's working now, as you can see.
So I was really badly triggered and couldn't even get on ryl or talk to anyone, my laptop is like my main distraction. What the hell was I going to do? I just wanted to cut, I haven't in 65 days and bloody miss it so much. *sigh* I even felt suicidal. Everything felt too much. Half the time I feel as if the progress I've made is nothing but a lie.
I still want to cut right now. Grrrrrr. Argh this post is going to sound confusing. I don't know anymore. xo.
i am sorry you feel like this, is there no one for you to talk to? i am always here to help if you need it.
but i understand how ryl is a huge asset in your life, i find that too, that coming to visit my family and using their computer (as i dont have one) is the only good thing that comes out of it.
have you managed to not cut, though 65 days is very good, just try and tell yourself that the benefit of sh only lasts temporarily and sometimes the guilt that follows can be even worse and then you may want to do it again and again.
Is there anything else you enjoy or think you could learn, that would keep you distracted if you can't get online? A few things that kept me busy was writing, drawing, Suduko, reading, listening to music, walking/pacing, etc.
You're not a horrible person, sweetheart - sometimes if we're told that we're the problem and we're doing things wrong a lot, we start to think we're horrible. But you're not, you do so much around RYL and help so many people.
Do you think tackling the root causes and feelings behind your self-harming and dealing with them will help you feel more pleased with yourself over your progress?
*Hugs* Im sorry that today hasnt been a good day for you. 65 days free is excellent!! Thats such an excellent achievement!! Well done!! Im so proud of you. You are not a horrible person at all, i have seen you support around ryl quite alot and i think your awesome. Try and keep yourself distracted as much as you can.
*hugs* Aw hun, you're not a horrible person. 65 days is awesome and it does mean something, trust me. (: I'm sorry that your family members are giving you trouble. You can always talk to me, k?
*hugs* awww hunni. I'm so sorry you are having such a terrible day.
65 days is incredible, i wish i could be that strong! keep fighting sweetheart, talk to us...distract yourself...you should be so proud of such an achievement! i am for you!
I'm sorry for the pain that your family cause you *holds you tightly*
xoxox thinking of you
I'm not text book smart but I'm street smart....well sesame street smart anyway :p
I <3 you Lozza- my beautiful twin and care bear! Keep holding on. 'Whorejay'- u are my gorgeous partner in crime, who I will never give up. They can't seperate us! loooove you. I <3 Frizzly forever!!! ur my nite light R.I.P my beautiful angel Kat, you will always be in my heart. 27/03/91-31/08/09 xxx Sweetdreams baby girl xxx
You are not a horrible person, I see you about on here reaching out to folk all day, you're a lovely person to have around :)
Families can be rubbish sometimes *gentle hug*
You hanging on hun?
Be gentle with yourself,
~Michelle
Congratulations Katie on being 65 days free! That's awesome wooohooooo. Please don't feel that you're a horrible person, sometimes family members say and do hurtful things without thinking. I'm sure you're not the type to go deliberately hurting people that you love. It's a shame about the laptop letting you down, computers can be really dodgy sometimes. Please stay strong hun you have gone 65 days already, I'm sure there will be many more free days ahead.
R.I.P my beautiful angel Kat, you will always be in my heart. 27/03/91-31/08/09 xxx Sweetdreams baby girl xxx
