I used to come on here 2-3 years ago. At that time I was cutting regularly (at least 1-2 times/week, usually more), and I attempted suicide twice. I was in a VERY bad place.
Since then things picked up a little. I cut now and again, but it wasn't something that was constantly on my mind. And somehow the cuts weren't as deep and I didn't get as much out of it. Things were looking bright.
Lately though, I feel like I'm slipping. I'm not in a wholly bad place, but I feel like it would be such an easy option to let myself go back. In theory I have so much to live for - I'm at university, I have a good career ahead of me, I have a wonderful boyfriend, a caring family - I *should* be happy. But I can't be happy. I don't feel happy anymore. I just feel so insecure all the time. I'm constantly comparing myself to other people, I feel fat and disgusting, I ****ing hate myself so much. I wish I were dead, but I can't be dead - and that is ****ing hard to deal with. I'm on edge right now. Sometimes I make myself sick and for a while that was enough, but I need something more. I need to cut. I'm ready to cut, I want to hurt myself so badly. Nothing feels the same. It'd be so easy... just once. But can I keep it to just once? I feel so ashamed when people look at my scars. It may sound trivial, but that is one of the main reasons I'm stopping myself right now. I don't want to have to start hiding it from everyone again. My boyfriend will notice if I'm wearing jumpers all the time, and I don't know how he would react if he knew I was cutting again. It'll put so much strain on our relationship.
But I need to do it. It'd be so easy. So so easy.
I don't know what I was hoping to achieve by posting this. I don't know what advice I want, or what questions I want answered. I just need to get this out. I need someone to tell me what to do. I can't take it, the constant anxiety. It's not going away. It's not going to go away.
I'm so sorry. I know I probably make no ****ing sense. I'm a ****ing idiot, I'm sorry.
Firstly, please don't wish yourself dead, please sweetheart.
And you're not fat or disgusting, never call yourself that, and your boyfriend I bet doesnt think you're that either.
And he might be upset if you cut because he doesnt want to see you hurt or in pain, and he probably doesnt want you to wear jumpers and have to cover up because he loves your body, so theres a few reasons.
I'm really glad that you've managed to get this far from where you were before, so please don't just let go and give in because you're doing so well.
We all get urges and feel like it might be easier "if" or slipping up might not be *so* bad, but you should be so proud of yourself and I'm hoping your boyfriend is too.
The anxiety can only be removed by you and you alone, you need to *know* you can do this, and you really can.
And please don't keep saying sorry for all this, people wouldnt be here if they didnt need help themselves and didnt want to help others.
All the best, take care, Kits
you have literally just described myself and how i feel! i am in last yr of uni, surprisingly as it was dodgy for a while. went thru family **** and everything had the best outcome but somehow i just can't be 'happy'. iv made a step tho, my best mate took me to the doctor on friday and i confessed all and started ad's and counsellling soon. all i can say or advise is to remember you have got through it before and you can again, this is just a slip. even if u do slip don't feel like that's it and carry on, we all make mistakes just be careful. hope u resist this damn temptation x
Thank you so much. I don't have much I can say right now, I'm really not feeling good at all. I don't know what to do. But I just needed to say thank you.
Just take care of yourself, and know there are people around you that care about you and love you for a reason, so you must be doing something right. Have some faith in yourself and your progress.
PM me if you need to talk or anything sweet really, 'cause I'm in a similar situation with my boyfriend, been riding it out as long as I can and I think just remembering the good things is all thats working for me.
It gets tough when realising could be hurting the people around me when thats last thing want and actually relying on them to pull me through.
I check my mails daily if you need me. Kits
Hey,
Don't be sorry. *HUGS* I can understand where you're coming from. I think you should talk to someone about things hun. Please don't cut though. Find distractions. Take your mind off it. It's good things are looking up for you. This urge will pass. Keep fighting. Take care. xo.
Just take care of yourself, and know there are people around you that care about you and love you for a reason, so you must be doing something right. Have some faith in yourself and your progress.
PM me if you need to talk or anything sweet really, 'cause I'm in a similar situation with my boyfriend, been riding it out as long as I can and I think just remembering the good things is all thats working for me.
It gets tough when realising could be hurting the people around me when thats last thing want and actually relying on them to pull me through.
I check my mails daily if you need me. Kits
Thank you so so much. I'll definitely take you up on that at some point :)
I feel much better today than yesterday. I know it's going to happen soon though, do you ever get that feeling? It's so hard to fight it and it's getting harder. I don't even know if I want to fight it anymore. I feel so confused.
Things are tough with my boyfriend because I'm so insecure. So I'm constantly questioning whether he loves me or not. I don't think I understand why or how he can love me..Then it leads to paranoia because I'm convinced he's going to cheat on me with someone skinnier and prettier than me. I'm disgusting.
So anyway that's why I'm scared.. because we already have a lot of pressure on us. He has to constantly reassure me that he loves me and finds me attractive and I'm always questioning him. Plus I have problems with eating and he's got so much to deal with there. If he finds out I'm cutting again I'm not sure if he can cope. I don't want to make him depressed, or make him leave me. His life is ruined because of me :(
Sorry I'm going on again. Thanks again for your message. It really, really means a lot to know that someone understands...
