Triggering (SI/Suicide) - Im too tired

*Fading_existence* · 24-03-2009, 05:06 PM

I cant explain it, i cant explain how i feel. How im always low. No future, no nothing. Im dead inside. All i think of is suicide. I started cutting again and all i do is fantasise about scars i could make. I spend so much money on ed binges or blades or anything that i shouldnt. Im so empty and alone. All i want to do is die. I should have done it when i had the chance. Im sorry i have been such an awful friend to people lately but i just cant function anymore. I cant do this. I have tried all sorts of help and im tired sick and tired of it all. Please can i have some hugs? im sorry.

Cazki · 24-03-2009, 05:18 PM

*Gives you a big cuddle* Im sorry to hear that your having such a tough time. I know whats its like to be at the point where you just want to give up and die, but please dont give up, your a wonderful person and i care about you alot and im sure there are lots more people who care about you to. Do you know what it is thats making you feel this way?

I understand that you said that you feel low alot of the time, are you on meds at all? Do you have any support? You do have a future you might not see that you do but you do. Please dont cut it will not make things better and will only cause other problems for you. You also said that your not able to explain how you feel, could you perhaps make a list of how your feeling? Stay strong, keep safe.

Take care all the best Ian

lydia. · 24-03-2009, 05:24 PM

heya,

please don't be sorry for posting. we're here to help. i do really admire your courage in posting, it isn't always easy to ask for support, but you're human, everyone needs support every now & then. go easy on yourself.

has something happened that made you feel this way? what makes you feel as though you have no future? do you ever talk to anyone about how you're feeling?

i know life can seem bleak sometimes, everyone has days like this, but you've got to hang in there. suicide is not the answer. you won't feel like this forever, remember?

*squishes*

Popple · 24-03-2009, 05:43 PM

*cuddles*
Don't apologise for anything sweetie sometimes you need to focus on yourself because you are the most important person and you need to keep yourself well.
Please don't give up I know its hard but you will get through this.
Has anything happened to make you feel like this?
Feel free to pm me if you need anything sweetie
Take care
x

Katiee · 24-03-2009, 07:01 PM

Hiiyahh,
I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so low. I can understand what you're saying. I've felt like that many, many times before. *HUGS*
Please don't hurt yourself, find distractions? Take a long relaxing bath, go for a walk and get some fresh air, play with a pet, watch your favourite TV programme, ect. You will get through this. Keep fighting. You don't need to be sorry for this. Please talk to someone about how you're feeling hun. They're people who really want to help you get better - even if it doesn't seem like it. Take care, we're always here for you. xo.

*Fading_existence* · 24-03-2009, 10:28 PM

I dont believe they want to help though, when i lived in southampton it was expected that i had monthly appointments with everyone, i then moved home to the new forest and they dont care, they see me as and when it can be upto 4 months at a time.

No future because i cant see a life free from this and that means i wont cope with it and ill do something and ill make sure i am gone and i wont survive. I cant see a life free from cutting everytime i try i get to about 4 months and then it just comes back again.

My family are destroying me in every possible way, my mum cries about how ill i am, my brother either shouts at me or goes on and on, my dad well we had a huge row and i dont know we were close but since he moved out we have drifted apart and i caused the row i think i wanted to hurt him like im hurting i dont know. All i know is i want death.

People say you wont feel like this forever but is 3 years not enough? everyday is such a struggle and im really struggling with my job as well now i keep braking down all i think about is getting out to cut myself.

Im sorry i should be quiet now. Im so selfish i just ask ask ask fopr support im sorry.

Kuwairo · 24-03-2009, 10:47 PM

Faye, you could never be a bad friend, ever.
3 years is a long time, but they are still right when they say this isn't forever. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. You reminded me of this when I needed it, and now I'm reminding you too.
4 months cut free is amazing. And who knows, next time you give up it could get to five, and then six. Don't dismiss your achievements so readily. I'm proud of you, and I'm also so glad you posted. Don't stop talking, please don't. If not by posting then please keep talking to me.
If the doctors aren't helping enough, have you looked elsewhere for support? Maybe go on the MIND website and find a place near you, they could really help.
You do have a future, and what's more is you have a future of good mental health too. To get there though, you can't stop fighting. I know how tiring it is to fight when it seems like there's no chance of improvement, but there has to be something different.
I love you Faye, you're a brilliant person and I'm honoured to call you my friend. And the weird thing is, we haven't met yet. But it's gonna happen, right?

*Fading_existence* · 24-03-2009, 10:52 PM

hun that just made me cry.
I would love to meet you but i dont think i can stick around long enough. I hate this. You know i have tried all the help. You asked me to give the ED people a chance and i did that was my last resort.
I cant keep fighting, i am so so exhausted with life and everything. I cant fight anymore. It really is too hard now. I cant do it, i cant face it.
Im sorry i am being so dreadful but i cant function anymore. Not properly.

Kuwairo · 24-03-2009, 11:25 PM

The ED people weren't great, but they aren't the only people who can help you. You've tried a lot and they've not been successful. That's sad, but you have to keep going back and making them listen. If you can't function properly it is so clear you need more support. Tell your GP what you're telling us, that you're suicidal and you're harming again. Tell them you're in need of more support because you aren't coping. I know this is so so hard but I know you Faye, and you're a fighter.
If you were completely mentally healthy, what would you really like to do? Make incentives for yourself. There are people on here who have recovered from their problems. If they can do it, you can too.
You have NOTHING to be sorry for.
(sorry for making you cry!)

*Fading_existence* · 24-03-2009, 11:28 PM

Its alright i dont deserve a friend like you. You stick by me so much especially when im in such messes.
Hun you know i have tried soooooooo much and i just cannot do it anymore. I really cant.
I told the doctor i was cutting again and i wanted to die and i was saving and stuff and he just said ill write to the mental health people. No offer of changing meds or anything. Its a joke.
They dont listen or care.
Its over hun, i cannot keep going and askign when they dont listen or take me seriously.

Kuwairo · 24-03-2009, 11:38 PM

It's NOT over.
See a different doctor. Most doctor's surgeries have a few doctors. See them all, and if none of them help, find a new surgery or try MIND. Can you contact the mental health team directly?
You deserve the best friends ever. And if I'm helping then I'm glad.
I really admire how much you've tried. And it's this determination that proves to me that you can get through this.

PsychoMel · 25-03-2009, 12:38 AM

Hi.
I dont come on here often, but i just passed over this and im glad I did.
I sseriously think you are my twin!:O
I feel the EXACT same way as you all day everyday. im probably a lot younger (16years old) so i dont buy my stuff, i find them and steal them from cupboards in my house and stuff.
I just want you to know that you are not alone. for me to be saying i think ive found my twin,,.. thats big. a lot of people are going through alot and feel different ways, but what you expressed is my exact feelings and everything.
Please email me or add me on msn if you'd like . I'm here if you want to talk about things or just want to chat.
PLEASE TAKE CARE!:D
**HUGGSS!!!!**

email/msn: october_girl_c10@hotmail.com

*Fading_existence* · 26-03-2009, 12:01 AM

I can contact them directly but it'll be a month before my appt making it 4 and a half months even though they knew i had suicidal thoughts when i saw them last and i was trying to stop self harming. Like they give a damn i wont contact them, they dont give a ****

Your helping loads, im sorry i cant support you much right now and i have tried everything you know that and i did cause you asked me to, but please can you now let me stop and give in. Im absolutely exhausted now and i cannot ask or try anymore.

thanks psychomel, ill add you my msn is on my profile -im not on there loads or if i am i sometimes hide offline so poke me and if im there ill reply

yeah i understand, im 21. Thank you and likewise i am here if you ever want to chat or just someone to say i know how you feel and then try and cheer ourselves up

Kuwairo · 26-03-2009, 12:22 AM

I'm not going to say yeah that's fine give up, but in the end I cannot stop you. You make your own choices.
I just really hope you make the ones that at least give you a chance.

Ingenue · 26-03-2009, 03:31 AM

Faye.
I love you so much.
You are one of the most beautiful, inspirational, brave individuals i have ever met.
I cannot say anymore than that.
Believe in yourself as i do.
<3 <3

lozstar88 · 26-03-2009, 03:47 AM

Faye hunni, I'm so sorry to hear about how much pain you are in and that you are really struggling at the moment...it breaks my heart, I love you, you have always been there for me when I needed you to be, please keep fighting...you do have a future, it may not seem like that now and I know how scary and low that can feel but things will change.

You have the gift of love and life, use it hunni, each new day will bring new hope, new gifts and new experiences...use them...they are there for you to grow and learn from. You are a truly beautiful person Faye.

Thinking of you *huggles*
xoxo

PsychoMel · 28-03-2009, 03:21 AM

Hey hun. please please PLEASE dont give in.
I know you can make it. It's rough but we can get through this shit!
I wish you could see how you can actually mean alot to somebody. You mean alot to me even if i hardly know you. its not often i find somebody who's going through some of the same things as i am and who feels the same way and who are REALLY nice, like you!
I know I cant control your actions or decisions, but I REALLY hope you dont give in. Dont give up. Im with you, okay?
Please stay strong hun.
<3

*Fading_existence* · 28-03-2009, 01:54 PM

Thank you, im trying so hard its so tough though.
Im still cutting badly, but i have an appointment on monday with my mental health team its the earliest i could get and it is an urgent one as my dr faxed them after i got mad on the phone.
Hes just trying to up my meds and let me carry on so im a zombie.
Ill see how monday goes.
Im still going to work even though its a struggle and i have been trying to socialise which i have managed as its been hell but i had become a total recluse and loner. Im staying at someones house tonight the first time in nearly a year i have stayed at a friends house. Im terrified but hope it will be fine. So i am still trying and struggling
Maybe one day ill see some light but right now im an absolute mess, i have cried at work everyday this week. Im screwing up big time.
The only friends i have who know everything are people on here none of my friends at work know anything really just that i have depression.

Kuwairo · 28-03-2009, 07:43 PM

It's so nice to see you say "maybe one day." I don't know if you'd have said that last week, it's good you're starting to see that a future is possible.
Good luck tonight, you know you can always text me if you need me, I'll definitely reply to you.
I hope Monday helps. And as for your GP wanting to up your meds, it does sound like something needs to change because they clearly aren't working too well hun if you're feeling so unsafe.

*Fading_existence* · 30-03-2009, 02:18 PM

Thank you, i survived the night. I actually had fun and enjoyed myself. It was scary but i did it.
Hun i have pm'd you. Basically i went to my appointment and they said here have prozac make an appt for like 2 months time and that was it even though they know im suicidal and self harming badly.
Its a fucking joke im so angry right now im not sure what im doing.
I just give up i have told peopel and warned them about how dangerous i am. But they dont care.
It doesnt matter what i do to myself anymore.