Don't know why I'm even making a thread in serious
but somehow feel this is too whiny for the mental health board
and I don't really have a point I suppose
Just had an appointment with pychiatrist + CPN
Feel like crying
Got off to a bad start anyway because me being the idiot I am managed to lock myself out of my own flat.
Felt
so so stupid, we had to sit in my CPNs car to talk
So we talked.
I told them about me, what I've been up to
How everything is going great, how bright my future seems to me now
How I've been so great since I got home from hospital, how I've hardly SId much since I've come home.
How I'm looking forwards to going to London tommorow
I was smiling and joking
But the whole time I just felt like I had this scream building in my throat
While I was smiling and nodding and telling them that I don't even feel depressed anymore,
the whole time I felt like I was on the verge of screaming.
*graphic*
How could I tell them that every day I battle the urges to slice through my artery?
How could I tell them that I can't shake off the inevitable truth that I have to die to kill her and me, to stop her?
To make sure no-one dies?
How can I tell them about the fact that sometimes him telling me that I have to die so often and so persistantly just makes me want to do it?
How can I tell them about the non stop flashbacks of restraints and injections and policmen and alarms?
But it was all building up and building up and I could see my opportunity to talk to someone about this slipping away from me and I got panicked and scared.
I had to say something while I still had them here listening
So I tried to explain that actually there
is some stuff bugging me
I awkwardly tried to explain about everything.
but after I'd been telling them how great I was doing and how I'm hardly depressed anymore it all sounded so stupid
I was making no sense and It sounded like I was just fishing for stuff to complain about because of how nonsensical it all was
even though from the very beggining I wanted to tell them about all this stuff.
It all sounded so contradictary. I could see the looks of confusion and then annoyance on there faces. Like I was just being awkward .
When I told my pychiatrist that the fact that I haven't SI'd much since I've been home is because I've been busy and been putting it off until after London so I can cut really deep then, she looked so annoyed with me. She was like, and what would the point of that be?
I just didn't know what to say.
I mean, I guess I don't know what the point would be
I just need to do it.
The thing is, I
have been making progress
Its true that I
do have hope for the future now and I don't class myself as severely clinically depressed anymore
but I still cannot shake off the nagging belief that I have to kill myself
that I have to kill myself to make sure nobody dies.
When I left hospital I told them exactly what I thought they wanted to hear so I could get the hell out of there
I told them that I didn't really believe anymore that I had to kill myself to stop her, and that I was willing to open myself up to other peoples perceptions. I'm trying, I really am.
But I'm still certain of what I have to do to stop her.
I just know for sure the truth of my own head you know?
Anyway as I saw the looks on there faces, how annoyed and confused they looked I felt like crying.
It isn't safe for me to be honest with them
I have to let them think I'm ok because thats what they want to hear
So I tried to water it all down and agreed with them that yeah I am much better now really and all I have to do is to keep busy and yes your right, I probably won't cut deep anyway, had to leave them with the impression that I'm fine and I'm not being awkward, and that I am much much better.
Its some kind of weird need for people to like me or something?
To be the good girl?
Sorry this is long.
I just needed to let it out
Feel like crying and hurting myself badly now because I hate myself so much. Just have this lump in my throat.
I just fuck things up everytime
I created this situation and it's my fault I can't even be honest with them
