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Triggering (SI/Suicide) - can't deal with it anymore
i should stop posting. but i don't know how to deal with this... as i've said in other posts i've been dealing with my own continuing disconnection from reality as well as my boyfriend's (who i live with). not to mention a stressful job.
idk. i tell my counselor stuff. but it's not enough. my bf is seriously losing it. i'm worried for him and i don't know how to cope with the effect on me... i don't know why he got here. when i first met him 9 months ago, didn't know anything was wrong. he knew all about me. within the first month i found he suffered from nighttime terrors. but it went away for a while.
then november, he freaks out and dissociates (i later find out this is what it is) over me & my sister spraying him with perfume as a joke. He gets really really mad. At me. which had never happened. He later didn't remember it. We found it triggered a bad memory that he realized what it was, talked about it, and was fine. I told him he needed counseling though. He said he'd get it, but he kept putting it off and making excuses. He still doesn't have it, though I am working on it.
Then in December, he left for Christmas. While he was gone, we had a party for new years with his friends that he knew about. however, there was a misunderstanding that he didn't want alcohol there. we honestly didn't know, i mean we told him about it when he got back! if we had known, wouldn't we have hid it? but he got sooo mad. convinced we did something bad, which we didn't do anything of the sort. they are very responsible with alcohol. i didn't realize he had a huge problem with alcohol due to past bad experiences. and he expected me to freaking read his mind. anyway, he would be kinda talked out of it, but not really. within a few weeks i ended up in the hospital as i was already doing bad and then this just set it off. after that, he seemed fine for a while. amid all this, we decided to start having sex.
there were several times he got really mad for no reason, only to find later it was triggered by his insecurities about us having sex and his struggles with me not always wanting sex. (i'm his first.) But then a few weeks back, he comes back to my parents (where i am spending the night and he is too) from our friends very very upset. now our friends have been dramatic for a long time. and i had pulled back because of it. so after hearing it all, I suggested he pull away from them completely, at least for a while. Find other friends, change his number & facebook just to get a point across.
but that next night, he literally has a psychotic episode. getting paranoid, i find out he has been severely hearing voices for a week (and has never heard them before)... He is dissociating, and so am I. It was scary. He's getting mad that he can't sleep with me all the time (i go through a week or two where i don't want to, and then want to a lot again)... then apologizing. then we go to my parents house as planned, and he's fine. says throughout the week that the voices are gone and so forth... i suggest maybe the idea of withdrawing from his friends was too much and he should do something in between.
then night before last, we went to a hookah bar. now he doesn't smoke hookah, but we've been to them before and he had NO problem with it. well throughout the night he's sitting there, seems fine, i'm totally paying attention to him. but i smoke a bit too much and end up feeling sick. i go to the bathroom, don't get sick, but am in there for a bit. but i come out, and i can sense the severe anger, again. this time, i'm mad. i don't see why this has set him off. he starts going on about how he's going to bring his friends from home and basically threatening to kill someone. (who i don't know, not me but whatever) i know he's had violent thoughts a lot, but he's never hurt me or really anyone else. i know his friends hurt people (not killed) back at his home, but he tends to exaggerate the ability he has to do that. but i'm still mad and not sure how serious it is. he's going on about how he's being left out and he's sick of excuses. i was laying on him all night and talking to him! it was totally illogical.
on the way home, i pretty much am yelling and arguing with him. Finally, I tell him if he ever does anything of the sort I WILL leave. I love him, but I will not tolerate it. Finally he drops the violence thing and starts going on about how alone he is and how messed up he is. Then he starts going on about how everyone is trying to hurt him and how something happened at new years! Finally though, after about an hour of me persisting in using the logic of the situation and showing him that he is only being paranoid and asking a lot of questions and getting at the psychological shit behind it all, he's better. He realizes he's being paranoid. I'm sick of being his counselor though. I mean he responds wonderfully compared to me when you talk to him long enough. I can always talk him out of his paranoia. But it takes forever and is very draining and scary.
So then last night, i go to sleep early cause i work at 4am. He comes in at 11pm after sleeping & then getting up, and I can tell something's wrong. Finally he wakes me up. Tells me he has to leave. He can't take it. And that he won't make it to see a counselor and that he's thinking of self injuring, which I don't think he's ever done. I find out his stupid ex managed to get his email & find out about new years and send him a message about it, basically feeding his paranoia about new years and i guess putting him down. i really don't know much more than that. from what he says, she basically manipulates and wants him back. and is trying to break us up. again he goes on about how people are trying to hurt him and something had to have happened at new years. As usual, i talk to him for an hour and he finally is talked out of it. this time, he says he feels the most at ease about new years he ever has.
And the other thing is that he wants to have alcohol at his 21st b.d. to prove to himself that both me and his friends can be around alcohol without losing control. I think he is convinced since he's never seen us around alcohol that we must lose our morals and that i'd start flirting/cheating with other people (i guess someone has done that to him). which is so not true. i am very controlled with alcohol. i'm very nervous, but after talking a lot, we're gonna go ahead and do it, though talking to everyone coming about what he does and doesn't have a problem with. I asked him a million detailed questions to make sure I knew what would and wouldn't set him off. But the sounds of it is that he really is thinking something much more severe than would even be thought of in our group. Dramatic they may be, but still very trustworthy. I still don't like the idea, but he's determined.
but seriously, i don't think i can handle this! i dissociated so bad yesterday (before the last incident) while on the metro... I was so out of it. By the time I got off the metro I was barely aware of my surroundings. I got so paranoid of people i didn't know. some of it has to do with him i think, but i've just been getting worse lately too.
I mean I love him, and I think i'd be even worse without him, but I really don't know what to do. yes i'm forcing him to get counseling. but sometimes i wonder if he's going to be safe; can i keep him from hurting himself? he doesn't wanna go to the hospital because he's seen me do it and he doesn't want his parents to be notified (which they will cause of insurance)... I can't do much. I am afraid to even mention meds, as he has seen how they don't work for me no matter how many i try.
I personally think he is probably schizoaffective (the intense fear and distrust that people are out to hurt him... it's delusional, but not to the point where it couldn't be real under certain circumstances as in schizonphrenia) with PTSD (how everything relates back to bad memories). of course i can't diagnose, but if that is true, he needs more than counseling probably. Plus my paranoia is getting so delusional (mine is more crazy and unrealistic), and i've told my counselor, but my psych never takes time with me and i don't like him. and my counselor has no control over meds.
And while so far I'm doing very good with talking him out of it and he is very good at recognizing triggers, i don't know if that'll last. i mean it says that he will respond well to treatment if he gives it a chance. i know i can hardly ever identify triggers/memories, and he can almost always. and i'm am at a breaking point. my job is ridiculously stressful too now. i just don't know why he is getting so bad and having so many issues that he wasn't having before...
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