Triggering (SI) - Why say you care when u dont see me for me...

[deviantobsession]

I am falling into pieces,
and no one seems to notice.

I am so confussed and no one will hold out their hand as guidance.
I think i love him... like really love him. But how can i love him like that when i cant even love myself.

I feel so broken and i cry all the time. I hide my tears but they fall from my eyes without my control. And i lie to my friends and say hay feaver and they believe my lies. Even though we aint no we are all in the class room they think its my hay fever
Do they believe its hay feaver, or do they just want ot believe it
.

My Best friend, and someone who i care about alot is being treated like a mug by my other best friends. And i can see him getting hurt but there is ntohing i can do.

I feel so alone in my own home. I feel like they dont care.
All they give a damn about is if my room is tidy. But they dont see that im struggling to get out of bed.

See how hard it is for me to eat, or to look people in the eyes.

They dont see that every time someone touches me i shred a tear.

I just wish someone knew me and loved me truly.

I havent Self harmed in a week or so... but i feel like im loosing grip. My Dad found my blades and threw them out and its making it so hard for me. Because i have no one to turn to and no one who can help me.

Im loosing everything. Im failing college. Im failing my family and friends. And im failing myself.

I just wish i didnt hate myself so much. I look in the mirror and i wish i didnt want to hit it all the time.

I always end up doing my make up in the morning before college and throwing my makeup at the mirror.

No matter how much makeup i wear or the clothes i put on. Or how i do my hair im still ugly.

I just wish the people i cared about felt the same.

I just wish my friends gave a flying fuck. Because i feel so shit.

I just want to be held.
I just want to be helped.
I just want someone to say...

I love you.

And mean it.

I just wish...
I pray...
That someone would take two seconds to notice me.

But then when they do i deny how i feel.

I dont know whats worse people knowing your loosing all control or people believe that you are ok and ignoring the fact that they know otherwise and that its just easier to believe my lame lies.

I said to myself at the begining of this year i wouldnt spend another year like the 6 before this one. But i dont think thats going to happen.

Im in councelling but my councellor is ill so i havent seen her in a long time. And i dont know what to do... I am so lost.

Sorry if this is an essay i just needed to let it all out...

Love H x

[TinkerDebs]

*hugs*
sorry to hear that things are so bad for you hunni
but you have to remeber that everyone here will always be here to help support you
do you know why it is tyhat you so frequently lie to your friends?
im sure if you tell the truth they'll want to help - if they dont know whats wrong how are they to know to care for you
*squishes*
i hope it gets easier for you

[~hunni~]

Sweetie, it sounds like you're really struggling and like you need some help. I know it's hard, but people aren't mind readers. Maybe they won't notice you if you don't ask them to notice. It's a harsh reality, but sometimes people don't see what's right in front of them. Maybe because you hide it, maybe because they just don't want to see. Maybe your dad throws away your blades because he wants to solve this problem quickly. Maybe your friends believe you because all they really want is for you to be ok. And if you're not, it's on you to say so. I know it's easy to say, not so easy to act on, but it's the way it works sometimes. I know it's hard, but if you reach out, people will be there.

[Katiee]

Hun, I'm sorry things are difficult at the moment. Maybe if you told your friends how you really felt they could help and support you? take care. xo.