Triggering (SI/ED) - Lost-GRAPHIC TRIGGERING-

fadingtears · 21-03-2009, 01:41 AM

Hi I'm new here and I'm not in a very good place right now in my life.
I have been Manic Bipolar and have ED for a very long time now. I also hurt myself and have Recently tried to kill myself. I feel frustrated and hopeless but even worse so scared and alone. I lost my good job of 5 years and am on disability for my mental illness. I have been doing everything the dr.'s have told me to do but my meds have been making me worse lately. I am on Effexor and Clonazepam wellbutrin and Ativan.
A few weeks ago I cut my wrist with some broken glass trying to kill myself. I have attempted suicide before, I took an OD of one of my pills once. They put me in the psychiatric ward on a legal hold for my own safety.
Most recently my anorexia/bulimia has come back. It's more anorexia and I've become very unhealthy and sick over it. I constantly feel ugly and inadequacy. When I try to explain people don't understand. My Mom is very supportive but my Dad is judgmental.
All of my problems have been getting far worse as I fear my moms not well. She's the only friend in this world I've ever had and I'm absoltley terrified of her becoming seriously ill. She is a cancer surviour and latley she can't keep any weghit on regardless of eating a lot. I know the Dr. needs to check her out and I keep encoraguring her too. But she dosen't want to because I think she knows sectretly just how horrible it would crush my entire world.
I love my mom so much but can't get myself inside to talk to the dr. myself out of fear it will be very bad news.

She has been my only real friend ever and is such a wonderfull person. The guilt of not getting it seen to is also killing me inside. But I'm stuck because it may destroy what stregth I have left if I find out bad news. I can't imagine life without her. My Dad stopped really caring about me a while ago, he thinks he understands but he can't. He judges me and puts me down. My brother has very bad drug problems and dosen't like me at all. So without my mom I really have no one else in this world.

I still cry uncontrolably and hurt myself. It's always there in the back of my mind. I can't seen to move forward and my Anorexia has been bad because of all this.

Please help me with any thoughts or advice is so much more deeply apprecited then you know. I'm 27 and still live with my mom because shes my best friend, I've always been an over sensitive soul. If I lose her there's a chance I'm going to lose myself.

Katiee · 21-03-2009, 02:58 PM

Hun,
I'm really sorry to hear you've gone through so much. *HUGS*
I don't know what to say, sorry sweet. But I hope you're alright. xo.

fadingtears · 21-03-2009, 06:36 PM

Thank you so much. I still feel sick I'm not sure what to do. I don't think my meds are being helpful now either. It's hard to tell when I'm such a mess. I haven't even had a therapist to talk to in years.

tamobhuuta · 21-03-2009, 10:45 PM

sorry you're going through a tough time at the moment. could you and your mum agree to both make appointments for the doctor, so you're both getting your problems treated. as long as you try to sweep them under the carpet things can only get worse. even if your mum refuses to go see a doctor, i think you should if your ED and SI are not getting better or are getting worse. it's good you have such a close relationship with your mum but you can't worry so much about worrying each other or you'll both stay stuck where you are. maybe you can make your mum see that.

fadingtears · 22-03-2009, 04:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by waiting in the dark

sorry you're going through a tough time at the moment. could you and your mum agree to both make appointments for the doctor, so you're both getting your problems treated. as long as you try to sweep them under the carpet things can only get worse. even if your mum refuses to go see a doctor, i think you should if your ED and SI are not getting better or are getting worse. it's good you have such a close relationship with your mum but you can't worry so much about worrying each other or you'll both stay stuck where you are. maybe you can make your mum see that.

Thank you so much hey I never thought of it that way! I was taught that when problems arise just take care of them all at once. That's my unfortunate "Perfectionist" trait I got from my dad. But I need to learn you can be standing to close to the tree to see the forest! Maybe if I take one thing at a time effectively as possible, I'll be more able to take care of this. She won't go & I can't make her the state I'm in it's killing me. But if I get seen to and make some really good positive changes I'll be stronger and can deal with taking her without losing it myself! Thanks!