Triggering (Suicide) - Been offered private psychologist free.....but theres a catch!*SORRY NEED SUPPORT AGAIN.SEE POST 49*

[Sleepless123]

Some of you know that over recent times ive been looking at the possibility of trying to get some extra support privately to try and supplement what my CPN provides [she is very good with me, just doesnt have much time on her hands right now and my situation has been deteroiating.]And cos of the state of my situation though i dont have the funds to do it really at all i was prepared to pay for extra treatment.My health needed this though im still not sure i can live.

Anyway so a few weeks ago i saw one psychologist.Good, caring enough and kind but alos obviously expensive so i was considering going back but knew it wouldnt be very often.

Anyway today i tried out another psychologist as i was told to try a few and this ones price was slightly cheaper.So i decided to try them as well.

Anyway basically whats happened is that i took a letter to him about my situation - i struggle to talk much and then also we chatted a bit.

After all this he said what he would like to do is this.He would like to take me on without me having to pay him but that we would have to broker a deal about me managing to cut down on the tablets im taking in large quantities/overdose daily on instead cos i have been wanting to punish myself/make myself not be here and die.As things have been escalating over time i have ended up in a situation where im literally taking hundreds of tablets in a week.

He has given me an appointment for next week and i guess i will find out more about what any deal would involve then.

i feel so priviledged to be given this opportunity but i am still so scared i will fail.i still feel very suicidal and have been struggling to stabilise let alone reduce things.

i am panicking and so scared about if i can do this.

He did say though we would have our deal [whatever conditions he decides if i accept] but that he does realise i and my behaviour have been like this for a long time as he puts it so he doesnt expect things to change overnight.But im just scared if i can change things significantly enough at all.

He says he was offering this cos my situation is pretty out of the ordinary [only probably cos of the quantities of tablets im taking daily] and also he has worked for mental health services in the NHS for twelve years previously and also six months apparently at my CMHT before! And he recognises there has been a shortfall in the health service provision here.

i dont think its the CMHT's fault.i think they are just stretched but as i said to him i am struggling to stay afloat how things are now.

He says he has about a handful of patients in exceptional situations who he has also offered these types of deals too.i said and feel bad if im not going to pay him - i know he does it for a living.But he said not to worry he is well paid anyway!He wouldnt take the money for todays session though obviously i was expecting to pay it and offered.He would usually charge 80 pound a sesssion - thats how desperate i got!

i also asked him how long he works with people for.He said that if we go ahead [when he has told me about the deal etc and said more next week] then it wouldnt just be six sessions or anything he would offer.He knows short term wouldnt really work for me so at least he is aware of that but not sure if he knows how slow i move!No seriously this isnt me putting myself down its just how i am but it is and has been very slow.The main reason i asked about time and stuff is cos it takes me ages to trust though.He said he wasnt sure that he would even put a time limit on it for now.He may do though but i think he is just gonna think about it before he sees me again!

i will go next Wednesday and see what he says - i have nothing to lose!Still scared i would fail with any deal though.

im really grateful for what has been offered [though will know more detail next week on that] but i feel so bad still and im so scared im gonna fail and not be able to make this work particuarly with the tablets.Can i have some support, encouragement and any kind words please [if you can think of any to give me]. Sorry but i feel like a pretty bad person right now.

i also see my CPN on the 30 th March.That is to replace the appointment we missed last Thursday cos unfortunately she was ill again but i will just look forward to seeing her soon......though it feels so far away to me right now.

By the way just to clarify my mood sign being set to 'upset' is not due to this stuff obviously!But stuff detailled in another thread in Abuse and Bullying.i just wanted to say that cos this post and my mood label may have looked a bit conflicting to some!

[Steel Maiden]

Hugs. I know you're a fighter and I believe you CAN do this. I believe in you. You deserve this psychologist.

[ksdfjhlksajf]

I think that this sounds like a very good opportunity to you, and you *do* deserve this. You won't fail--I'm sure that as long as he can tell that you are trying very hard, he'll be understanding. He did tell you that he doesn't expect your behavior to change overnight, and I'm sure he doesn't expect you to do something that you can't do at the moment. You can always ask if you can take small steps... like reduce it by X tablets a day(/week/whatever).

As it is, you have nothing to lose by going to the appointment next week and seeing his terms / talking to him about them. Write down any questions that you have too, that could be helpful.

As for not paying him, let him worry about the cases that he can afford to take on for free. He wouldn't have offered if he couldn't afford to do so. If you do end up seeing him longtime, you can always reevaluate whether you should start paying him.

Good luck and take care! My PM box is always open,
Amy

[Alone and Scared]

It's ok to be scared about trying something new, that#'s a pretty normal reaction to someything so big.

He sonds like he is really keen to take yuou on and help you.

You DO Deserve this, and you deserve to have a life. xxxxxx

[sherlock holmes]

He will talk you through everything, I know the prospect of cutting down on the tablets its scary but you will have emotional support from him.

I think you should go for it :)

[Merc]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fairytales Tell Tales

I think that this sounds like a very good opportunity to you, and you *do* deserve this. You won't fail--I'm sure that as long as he can tell that you are trying very hard, he'll be understanding. He did tell you that he doesn't expect your behavior to change overnight, and I'm sure he doesn't expect you to do something that you can't do at the moment. You can always ask if you can take small steps... like reduce it by X tablets a day(/week/whatever).

As it is, you have nothing to lose by going to the appointment next week and seeing his terms / talking to him about them. Write down any questions that you have too, that could be helpful.

As for not paying him, let him worry about the cases that he can afford to take on for free. He wouldn't have offered if he couldn't afford to do so. If you do end up seeing him longtime, you can always reevaluate whether you should start paying him.

Good luck and take care! My PM box is always open,
Amy

^^^this. please lket us know ok? this sounds like it could be it for you
*fingers crossed
romp

[Katiee]

I think it's great you have this opportunity. :) xo.

[xbeckyx]

That's great hun.
Try not to put too much pressure on yourself. As the psych said, it won't be overnight but you can do this.

[tamobhuuta]

this is such a great opportunity for you, i hope you decide to take it. maybe you can't just suddenly turn your patterns around but it sounds liek this guy understands that and will give you time - he just wants you to be aware that it won't be easy, which you know anyway. i hope the deal he offers you is something you feel you can accept. i am so happy for you, good luck with the next session, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. this is such good news :) *hugs* don't worry about the ins and outs of it, i'm sure you can work it all out with him when you next see him so you're both happy with the arrangement.

[pixiedust]

Kath that's fantastic news! I can imagine that deal seems quite scary for you but just remember you're going to be getting some extra support at the time. You can do this, I have faith in you *hugs*

[Sleepless123]

Hi everyone!

Thanks so much for the replies.To be honest i didnt think many people in life cared at all what happened to me to be honest so it has been really heartening to come here and see this today.Thank you.

im sorry i havent replied sooner.

i have been at my parents for the weekend and dont have access to RYL there.Some of you may know that i have only just slowly been re-building my relationship with my parents/family again after being away/having very little no contact with them for five or six years or so.i am just getting to know them as people again and that is great.We work and live different places but i go back some weekends.And this weekend was great with them though i am very tired now!

As for the Psychologist thing i am so grateful to potentially heve this offer.So grateful and i know that i am lucky to as well.And i will definitely go back on Wednesday and hope that we can work something out.i am so so scared though.ive failed a lot before when i/others have felt i should try and cut down the tablets and ive tried and just made it worse.So i feel i cant help but pressure myself now.i can just see myself failing again....i can just see it happening.But dont want to think like that.

im sorry i havent managed to reply to this sooner after i got back yesterday or indeed before i went Friday.i have been taking a lot of tablets [though more so since ive been back from my parents].However anything i seem to take these days seems to effect my health a lot even if it is or is not as much as i would sometimes take.

i am ok but i see my health and certainly my memory deteroiating fairly rapidly now to be honest at the moment but i am ok.Its my own doing anyway.

So apologies to those i would usually PM with or text with.Your support is very valuable to me.Most of the time though recently i have just not had the energy/been drifting/not felt well enough.

Also apologies i have not managed to reply to many people on RYL recently too.

You are all in my thoughts though.

Not to say i wont be around or that i definitely will but just to say i dont know when i will or wont.

i know that im being very erratic and unpredictable with things like this at the moment and im sorry.

Take care everyone.

[Steel Maiden]

Hugs. I am glad to see you being hopeful.

[ksdfjhlksajf]

*hugs*

Good luck with the psychologist! Let us know how it goes!

Take care,
Amy

[Sleepless123]

Thanks both of you.Hugs.And i am hopeful.i gotta be.i do have hope.Its the only thing for it!

What i would really like to do tonight though is take pills until i cant do it anymore, to take pills till either im dead or physically very violently sick.

The first makes sense to me.

The latter does sort of but not totally.

This is from what i guess from how ive felt when ive been sick at times a bit before when ive been literally trying to take them anyway.

i guess it would be a sign im maybe dying, a sign the damage has been done, make me feel better a bit emotionally to know that maybe but i also really wouldnt want to be sick cos it means some tabs coming out of me and thats counter productive.

Sorry i dont know what im going on about and this probably doesnt make sense.

i just keep getting these images, these fantasies in my head about taking and taking the tablets in one straight go straight off without having to pause or stop until eventually i die and i can take no more.

That would have to happen eventually wouldnt it?[not a direct question, just thinkiing out loud].That my system could take no more.

The image has become more powerful.....and i need it to happen like that one day.

i wish it already had.

im sorry this must all make me bad.

And i wouldnt do this anyway.

Dont worry.im not brave enough anyway.

Its just there.

[Steel Maiden]

Hugs. You need need need to talk to your new psychologist about this because its very serious.

[Sleepless123]

Oh Steel i dont know if i can tell him about that sweetie.It will only be the second time ive seen him.Theres nothing he can do with it anyway and im in enough trouble with the tablets already without telling him that too.i think my CPN may already know about it anyway though.im not sure.Cant remember if i told her about this specific one.It just becoming more powerful though and i think about it more.Dont worry though.i just have to keep the image under control if i can.But maybe it would be better if i didnt.If i tried to act more on it.Make it more live....make it happen somehow.If i was brave enough.That would be good.Thats what should happen and should have happened a long time ago.

i am worried about going tomoro.Nervous and scared.And wondering what he is going to say.Glad ive got the appointment as im struggling.......A bit.

But im so scared, worried, nervous.

i almost feel sick.

[Sleepless123]

i dont know what to say to him or what he will say to me.i feel sick.

[espoir]

From the sounds of it, he seems a genuinly kind and experienced psyc. As for knowing what to say, itll probably be him leading the talking as im sure hell expect you to be nervous. Be truthful with him tho hun, as by being honest he can support you the best.
lots of luck and hugs
xxxxxxxx

[Sleepless123]

Thank you.i hope that he is kind...and i certainly hope that he has a lot of experience....i think im gonna need a lot of both those things to even manage to start dealing with all this plus a lot of self will on my part.Which im not sure i have.i am scared that i dont anymore.

[tamobhuuta]

i hope it went well xxx