I've been through a lot of assaults. After the last one, I cut the word "mine" on my chest. I had the idea that it would stop a guy from touching me. It would make a guy think twice before doing anything. I've thought about using scar creams on it, but haven't because it would defeat the purpose. Well, I told this guy I'm with about it. He doesn't get freaked out about anything, and this freaked him out. So, it worked. He is thinking twice about wanting to do things with me, but now I'm not sure if that is what I want. I told him to freak him out, but I don't think I thought it would freak him out. Does that even make sense? But it freaked him out. The scar did its purpose, at least for this guy...I think. I mean, I told him over the internet. I probably won't see him until Monday night because it is spring break.
I don't understand why I told him. I've wanted to see what someones reaction would be if he saw it while doing something. But I told him ahead of time, before I even knew if something would happen. I know part of me wants to do things because of my assaults, I want to normalize them, I want to say some of those things happened because I'm the kind of girl that lets them happen. At the same time though, I long to be an innocent girl who doesn't do those things.
Now I won't even know if the scar worked though. Maybe things wouldn't have happened anyways, or if they do, the scar failed. Why did I do it if the scar doesn't even work? Why am I so conflicted on whether or not I want the scar to work?
On top of all that, I'm home for spring break. I get so tempted when I'm home. I think I'm safe for this week, but part of me feels like if that scar didn't work, maybe a different one would.
I can't stop thinking of the last guy, and I want to go to bed but I'm afraid that I'll dream about it. If I think about something right before I fall asleep, I normally have a dream about it. A nightmare about this would be so much worse than thinking about it. But I need to sleep. I'm exhausted, I've been exhausted because I won't sleep because of memories. Part of me thinks that tomorrow, when no one is around, I can cut and then it will help with the thoughts. I will have some peace and I could sleep.
After I told him about the scar, I asked him if I should have kept my mouth shut, and he said it was ok. I don't know if that changed his mind, I don't remember if I asked. I don't even want to look back to see if I asked.
It freaked him out...nothing freaks him out...
Hun,
I'm sorry to hear about the assaults. I can see why about the 'mine' scar. I really don't know what to say about that. Though you shouldn't have to scar your body to get your point across... though I can see where you're coming from. Please don't cut. Could you possibly find someone else to do instead? Maybe go for a walk and get some fresh air, watch your favourite TV programme, bake a cake, ect ect. Are you getting any professional help and/or support following these assaults? Take care, sweetie. xo.
i'm sorry. :( I understand why you did it though. I haven't been assaulted, but I did cut myself repeatedly one time when I was not depressed because I didn't want to sleep with a guy that I had let use me (I figured I'd be too prideful to let him see it...)
however, it didn't work, because after it had faded to the same as my other scars i went ahead and slept with him again. so maybe it's similar with you (though the reasonings a bit different). even if the scar scares people away, i think if you don't deal with your issues you're going to find a way around the effect of the scar when you decide you'd rather do something with a guy for the normalizing effect as you said. (i'm not criticizing you at all for this; but it seems like it is harmful to you.)
so can you talk to anybody, especially a counselor about it? that has to be so painful and talking it through might help a bit, though it will take a while.
I have a therapist, I'm working on finding a new one though since the current one isn't helping. I know I need to work though my past, it is so frustrating because I have been trying to do so for 2 years.
