Triggering (SI) - Want to feel safe - don't feel good enough *graphic*

[alienshe_cheesycake]

Can't stop crying
Just hysterically crying

I hate myself so much it's unreal right now
My cheek is bruised because I've been punching myself in the face so hard all day

and my reasons for being so upset are so stupid and I
HATE myself for them, I really do.

1.) I've triggered myself by reading about people who are "severe" self harmers. People who's self harm is so severe they are being hospitalised for it, people like that

When I read about stuff like that start feeling like my self harm is too "superficial" and not good enough.
Start to feel like I'm not a "proper" self harmer and like nobody is taking me seriously. Just feel so so shit about myself, like I'm not good enough

Start thinking that If I go really really deep I'll prove something to myself and everyone else I suppose.

I don't know, feel so ashamed of myself for thinking like this
Because I know doing really really bad SI doesn't make you any better than anybody else.

2.) This is what I feel the most ashamed of
I want to cut now not just for the above reason but also because I feel so lonely and unsafe.

I just want to be in A+E in a bright safe warm enviroment being looked after by a doctor or nurse, speaking to someone. Having someone care for me (even though I know they don't they are just doing there job)

I hate myself SO much for this
Because to me this seems so attention seeking
I really do hate myself

But I just want to feel like someone cares, and if I'm being pyhsically looked after I'll feel emotionally supported automatically (in my head)

Want to cut so bad that I need tons and tons of stitches, so that it counts for something that way

*graphic*


Fucking hate myself and want to hurt myself badly
My right wrist is still healing from the surgery
but now I want to cut through the tendons on the other one
Just so I can be in hospital and be looked after

(I'm a horrible bitch I know )

worst thing is don't know where the hell this has come from
I've been home from hospital for nearly a week and I've been fine
but it's just hit me today , don't know why.....

Sorry this is stupid.

[Katiee]

Hun,
this isn't stupid and you're not a horrible bitch. *HUGS*
I can understand what you're saying. Sometimes I wish I was in hospital so I could be looked after 24/7. You might not agree with this, but to me personally, self harm is self harm. Regardless of how deep, how many, how much, ect. Please talk to someone about your feelings, hun.
I don't know what else to say. I hope you're alright though. Take care, sweetie. xo.

[Tuesday]

***hugs*** I understand sweetie...I have had these exact thoughts before. I can relate to everything you wrote -so know that you are far from alone. Honestly I don't think there's any real "advice" I can give...nothing anyone can say to just make it go away. But know that there are lots of people who care about you, really truly care about you. And know that pain - no matter how bad - is temporary. You will get through this. You are an incredible and strong person. You deserve help, you deserve love. And you deserve to not hate yourself. ((holds)) Please don't hesitate to PM me if you need to talk.

[*..life in pain..*]

i feel exactly the same way and its so hard, i know, but things will get better. i know what is like wanting to be in hospital and wanting to cut deep, but honestly self harm is self harm, no matter how deep or how many cuts it is. i try to convince myself that too. but its true.

people care about you. we care. i can really relate to your thoughts and feelings. i dont have any advice to give you. i want you to know that ou aren't alone in this.

[B-S-F]

*huge hugs* I totally understand where you're coming from hun. It doesnt make you a "horrible bitch" and you're certainly not stupid! In my oppinion, the fact that you've written on here instead of doing it makes you the complete opposite!! Its really good that you've come on here to get some support.
I definately think talking to someone about how you feel would be beneficial. I haven't got any amazing advice, but as "Tuesday" said, there's "nothing anyone can say to just make it go away", but people can help it make more sense to you, and try to make it easier for you.
If you ever need to talk, feel free to PM me.
xx

[whirlpools]

your self harm is severe. you had to have an operation, you could have lost the use of your arm for good, you could have died.
you can go to A&E without self harming. that's perfectly okay.
please don't torture yourself with these thoughts. when i am triggered, it always helps me to tell myself what good things i can do because i chose not to self harm. it's always a choice.
xxx

[alienshe_cheesycake]

Thankyou for your replies everyone
I've calmed down a bit since last night (stopped crying eventually)

Writing what I wrote last night got some of what I was thinking out of my head and helped with the urges to cut, so I didn't

Today I've still had the same thoughts going around my head
But I'm trying to believe what you guys are telling me (and what I know really in my head)

You know, that self harm is self harm no matter what the severity
A lot of me thinking that I'm not good enough comes from when I first started self harming and it wasn't very deep and people used to say things to me like :
"Oh thats nothing I've worked with people who are much worse than you"
or "Your cuts are quite superficial though" ect ect

Made me feel worthless and unimportant

So now I've got it into my head that no self harm I do is ever deep enough and tbh thats half the reason I was crying so hard
I just hate what I've become. The fact that I'm making things so hard for myself and torturing myself like this

When I think logically I can sort of say to myself, look, what you did the other week was pretty bad, so I can reassure myself with the fact that I went pretty deep
but when I get it into my head that I'm not good enough start thinking that I have to do much much worse than that
and thats a very scary thought, cos I mean, where does it end?
How bad do I have to go to be finally satisifed?
I don't know if I'll ever be satisfied no matter how deep I go
Scary, and the stupid thing is that when I do go deep I'm satisfied but also really scared

I'm trying though, I really am, to see severe self harm as something really negative that you don't want to get into
Cos like I said, where does it end?

I'd love to talk to someone like my cpn or pycholagist about this but don't get to see them till next week
(and I was discharged from the crisis team the other day)

sorry this was long :-/

[Spoons]

i can relate to alot of what you said in your first post.
especially about the being looked after bit, to be somewhere safe and with people.

[whirlpools]

i think if you've not been taken seriously by people in the past, it's hard to ever feel like anything you do is "enough". that's really hard, i can identify with that a lot, luckily it can be worked through in therapy. i think for now you need to try being kind to yourself and tell yourself you deserve to be happy, at least for a little while, you deserve a break. and that people DO take you seriously and are very worried. remember still if you feel like you're going to self harm again it's okay to chat to someone in A&E. xxx