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Triggering (Suicide) - Feeling lost again.
I just posted this in the ranting forum...
'I wish we weren't so Goddamn distant with each other. Fuck it, its not that long ago when we'd tell each other everything. But so much has changed. I dunno if any of that feelings left for you. I still think of us as soulmates, and I don't think we'll ever be as happy as we could've been together...and I guess its my fault, really. Thunderstorms could never stop me.
And you girl...yeah, you. I miss you like hell. I miss you telling me things no-one else knew. I miss the fact that I used to know EVERYTHING about you, and vice versa. I miss holding your hand in the dark when you were so scared. I miss holding you. I miss you looking after me too. I miss those brief times we kissed, because...it was heaven, even if it was wrong. I miss that time we went into Oxford behind her back when you were advised so severely not to by your 'best friend'. I miss it all.
I dont understand how people are happy with memories, but I guess whichever path I took it would've immediately cut off all the others so...memories are all I have.
I miss you and the way you would be such a bitch to me, but in such a nice way. You messed me around, and to find out 2 years later that I made you so happy really killed me inside. I wish I hadn't been such a jerk that summer. I wish I'd realised how lucky I was. I wish that I'd heard it in their voices when they told me she played everyone else, except for me. I thought it was because you didn't like me...man was I wrong. Yeah. I miss you rushing up to me and desperately telling me your sister was lying. I miss you calling me 'boy' all the time.
I miss going to parties and feeling so alive. I miss drinking so damn much and getting into bed with a stranger, messed up though that might sound. I can't do that shit anymore. S'over. Now I just drink at home, alone, hoping it might numb all these feelings. I hate this. I dont know how much longer I can even stand it.'
I dont know what I want, and I dont know why I'm on the verge of tears I just...want...fuck it I dont know...jesus christ I'm pathetic. I just feel so frigging lost, like, I knew where I was when I had these people around and now they're gone...I'm just aimless. And so many people are just like 'get a hobby, get a job...' well I have a hobby, I'm a musician and it doesnt help...I'm a web designer and yeh, that helps for about an hour, then I'm hating life again...I'm messed up. So messed up. I complain so much, about things that aren't even that bad. I should just go die and leave people alone. I'm so overbearing...feels like everyone hates me. I hate me.
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