Hello,
Im unsure if I have a personality disorder or something similar, or maybe I have really low confidence? Im going to describe my life and symptoms so you can hopefully help me and guide me.
Im a 21 year old male who has always found it hard to make friends, but when I have managed to make friends and keep them, I feel alot more comfortable with them and around them opposed to meeting new people. I stay close to friends who I have become to trust and be with. I have ended up in various fights throughout my childhood and teens, and when I was aged 17 I ended up fighting with a ‘’friend’’ who I trusted, he took my phone and treated me like crap!, since I’ve not been able to go out at all and it really affected my confidence.
Some of my friends since high school have moved on or are unavailable due to work and other things, which leaves me with no one really until some become available again. I live with parents, which is common now a days until your around 25-30, I work online earning bits of money and visit my aunt and uncle who were like parents to me when I was growing up most days! I don’t like staying in at home most days, going to my uncle and aunts helps me get out the house, although I think their opinions of me is lower than maybe it is.
My mother and father have their own mental problems, my mother has OCD and my father has the transvestite sexuality. I also have a confusing sexuality that I dislike and that might prevent me from possibly having sexual relationships, although im unsure about this and hope im wrong. I’ve had some girl friends and felt very little, but having friendship is what i most desire and can forget about sexual preferences and relationships, for me having friends is most important.
Paranoia and lack of trust is a big problem for me, I think sometimes people are looking and me; I take offence easily and have a low self esteem. It’s highly possible I have low trust in people because of the fight I had with someone who I thought was a friend and a childhood of aggressive behaviours from my mother.
I won’t go to parties, thinking what will I do if a girl was to turn on to me and I reject her, what would people think? I worry people will think or question me as to why I don’t have girl friends, actually one friend did that to me once.
I can take offence very easily and I have regular nightmares about when that so called friend took my phone and I didn’t see since after months of trust and friendship, I feel weak and useless with a sexuality that is confusing and prevents me from having a real relationship, plus low trust and paranoia in people I meet or sometimes know well.
Please guide me, I’ve seen a shrink about my sexual thoughts when younger, but I want to forget sexuality and be happy with friends and just enjoy life! Have I got personality disorder/schizophrenia or very low trust and self esteem due to life experiences and need to work on them? Please advise! Thanks!.
Well I would say you never found your identity. You father made it impossible to bond with him in a healthy way and your mother squashed what was left with the aggressive behaviours (perfect formula for schizophrenia). Being sickly sweet in a manipulative way would be just as bad if she did that. (she may have swung between extremes which is extra confusing and debilitating). If she hovered over you you might have asthma as well. I would say your own identity was displaced, and your more sensitive to external bonds than inner ones. Paranoia in that case would not be unusual in that a person who loses themselves is still "haunted" in ways by what the identity that they are trailing behind them. It can feel like something "bad" is going to catch them when in fact something already has and it blocks the former lost identity which trails as pain of conscience.
On the other side of that fear and paranoia is relative actually - that is if your displaced identity could catch up to you. Any pending anxiety in that case would feel quite intense but then break as illusory. That's complicated to read but I am condensing. Focusing on friends and relationships is not a primary focus with regard to resolutions. Right now a lot of what can drive
you is more implanted than organic to you. There are ways to fix this but if nothing I said makes sense then neither will the rest
It's actually a little worse than that in my view (but fixable still) - in that you can bond to the wrong parts - which is worse than not bonding at all. Mothers of course have a nature and make-up than is meant for physical and emotional bonding. Its normal to be bonded with them for awhile. But at some point we need to start to grow our own roots. This can be made harder under some conditions
As a guy you at some point had to bond with your father. Fathers that are either weak or mean make that hard. In the case of weakness there is nothing to identify with. If dad is quiet and sits in the corner and lets mother take care of him like one of the kids its like he is a zero. If he is too mean he can drive kids back to mother - who they cling too for support. Each way a kid can be stuck grounded in mother.
To make things harder, a mother with a husband who is weak often has a lot of built up anger toward him - which she will often take out on the kids - especially a boy (who is like smaller version of husband and an easier target).
Now emotionally there is a law of correspondences - you become like who you react to. If your mother is angry and upset all the time and provoking you - you can absorb the same kind of anger by reacting to her. In a sense your taking on her identity. If she is always super sweet and you take a lot of comfort in her support then you can get her identity that way as well. The anger and spoiling kind of love can each keep a person from growing from their own roots
From what you wrote, your Dad didn't have his own identity down and was erased in ways. He probably had some of his mother identity in him and that would be a reason he would be drawn to acting out a feminine nature. He would also be drawn to a woman like your Mother who would dominate and aggravate him (or spoil him) as no doubt happened to him growing up. When people get a false implanted identity it can seek to complete itself like a salmon that returns to a spawning ground.
Now your predicament would be that you had two people that weren't centered in themselves. So not only would you not have been bonded with these people in a healthy way - you have been forced to react and bond with the dysfunctional identities in both your parents. Your actually lucky you survived as much as you have under these circumstances. Your very aware in ways that are unusual in someone that had to go through what you have. This would mean you could reclaim parts of you missing once you knew how to separate the false from the actual (reducing the anger is key to that because its the glue that holds the problems together). I'll write about that tomorrow since its late now and I dont want to overdo.
Hey,
No one on here can tell you what you have, as we are not professionals. I think you should go to the doctors and talk to them about it. Take care. x
Well as you probably have guessed, no one here can diagnose you.
From what I know, and I am not a professional, I would say its highly unlikely you have schizophrenia. As for a personality disorder, I really don't know. I can say though that there are labels out there for just about anything, so do you have SOMETHING? Probably.
It sounds like whatever it is, it is having a negative effect on your life. You should talk to a professional, it might help. Good luck.
Heya
As others have said, could you go to a doctor and print out what you've written in this post to show them? Only a medical professional will be able to diagnose you and they may also be able to offer you some support.
Take care xx
