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Journal of a troubled man
For anyone kind enough to read through.
13/03/09
Today is Friday. I despise the weekend. I have little to do but waste my time away. I wish to go somewhere; doing so would require fear and socializing. I can do with neither. When did I become so withdrawn, when I stop fitting in, when did I stop caring. I feel alienated in a world which really asks nothing of me but to be myself. She hasn’t been for ages; I miss her, the adrenaline when she’s around me, the embarrassing silences. Where is she tonight, she must have someone, I couldn’t bear that. That would make me closer to the reaper again. I touch his hand sometimes and he slowly smiles at me and tells me soon. We’ll meet again; sometimes he is my only friend. I hope if I am to see her again, she will still like me in that way, the human way. If at all, I should tell her. But I’m frightened, of rejection and love if it comes to me. She deserves a knight; I’m merely a pawn, being played in a game I never wanted to play. I think of the childlike me all the time, his innocence where did that go, where did I go. Sometimes I feel I’m not really here, perhaps I am an alien. Salvation comes in the smallest pieces of happiness that shadow my day to day life. She is slight salvation, a laugh here and their. What frightens me is the day to day routine. How do you get off the machine, when did I enter the machine, the cogs keep turning for everyone. So am I mad, am I the only one that sees it, or feels it. It’s a lonely existence if you follow a different path, lonely if you no the truth. But do I know the truth. I could snap at any minute. Perhaps all humans can. Their fragilities, the savageness of it all. I’ve seen the humans in a completely different sense, a different direction. Is this the machine, the cogs keep turning? What is it all for, or do I create my own path. Even the normal human traits lust, love, violence. I don’t wish to follow these. I feel sinful, dirty everyday. Why do I feel permanently guilty about everything, every little step I take? Every action. Why do I do the things I do. I abuse myself sometimes the others around me. I have complete and total love for everything. I want to save the world. Yet I also want to kill it, have it drown in its own juices. Its own corruption, its own anger, its own faults and its own pleasures. No one is innocent in my eyes. Well some are, I’ve met some. Sometimes my best friends are those that reject the world, its conformist ways. By world perhaps I mean culture. I dislike cultures. Is this because I don’t think like them, or because I know I could I’m just frightened to. I have friends but I feel so disconnected that they could be merely ghosts, imaginations, apparitions created by my own comforts. I have experienced love, but it hurts too much for an already broken man. It’s like chipping away at an already destroyed statue. A statue is the perfect way to describe me. Never reveals more than his physical self. Could never show the world the inside. No one can get close to it, get close to me. I’m not sure if I know who I am anymore. Perhaps I have rejected who I am. I can be confident, but the comfort zone is self destruction.
Self destruction is anarchy. I understand anarchy. In my head, sometimes in the real world. Anarchy is a metaphor, it’s a message. A simple message. This is me, this is my anger. Welcome to my fears. Welcome to my life. Make yourselves at home. Strap in. Can you feel the heat and can you feel the flames. Good, because it represents me and how I was truly made. Then forgive me and then pity me. For I am not you. Spoke to my parents. I love them. Their insecurities became me; their adherence raised me, their love keeps me alive. I miss the past, they say to leave it and learn it. But it made me so to understand I would need to live it again. Like life in reverse, I slowly fade away. The rest move on, I stay the same. I try to hold on, it fades away. I am a child lost in an adult’s body. Today I hope for understanding. Today I hope for a reason. Today is Friday.
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xo.
