Triggering (SI/Suicide) - 1 week free, yet still totally miserable.

Target Dawn · 13-03-2009, 02:12 AM

It's been 1 week since my last SI & even though some would call it an achievement, I don't, because I'm still totally miserable.

I'm not severely depressed, I'm just in a constant state of apathy. I wake up every morning not looking forward to anything, just going through my usual routine which includes staying home & sleeping. Then at night I go to bed again wondering to myself...What's the point? My life is so empty, I'm so empty. I'm so tired of just being here & doing nothing but merely existing. Even when I do something that I supposedly enjoy, even when I laugh, I still feel nothing but like my emotions are instinctive reactions, not feelings, I still feel so shut off from life itself.

I can't remember the last time I felt like I had a reason to smile. I just go through the motions because I have to & I'm so sick of it. I just want it all to stop. I know suicide isn't something good to think about, but I can't help it. I don't even know if I want to do it but for so long it's been lingering in my mind, just letting me know it's there if I need it. I refuse medication, I say that everything is fine & that I'm doing well...but am I? It seems like I've felt like this for so long that I've come to accept it as a part of who I am.

I'm failing my course, I'm failing my life.

guiltyinnocence · 13-03-2009, 03:56 AM

"each passing moment is a chance to turn it all around", just a quote i remembered while reading your post

sorting out your mood and thoughts can take a while, are you currently getting any help?

i know how crap feeling apathetic can be, but you've got to keep trying. its important to keep getting up and doing things, what seems small to others can be big achievements to the individual.
maybe make a list the night before and things to fill your day with? and maybe slowly the apathy will fade.
or maybe try things that will trigger your emotions...films, books, memories?

im sorry if this is no use, but im here for you and i care
xxxx

Target Dawn · 13-03-2009, 09:00 AM

I'm seeing a psychologist but she's not really been of any help. I mean, sometimes I just want someone to listen but she just wants to solve everything. I'm also seeing a counsellor but I don't think she's helping much either. Maybe it's just me?
No matter what solutions people offer or what I do to try to improve my mood, I just feel like I'm walking around like a zombie. Or maybe I'm wanting something that doesn't even exist.

guiltyinnocence · 13-03-2009, 05:43 PM

its not you, it can take a while to find someone who u 'click' with...is there any chance you could request a different psychologist or counsellor?
improving your mood is not something thats gonna happen overnight, it takes time. it wont always be this way, though its hard to see that when its happening to you. all i can say is keep trying, and keep fighting. take aboard everyones solutions and try to apply them and hopefully you'll find something that helps
xxxx

Happyhead · 13-03-2009, 10:28 PM

I really know how you feel, be strong, you are fantastic

Katiee · 14-03-2009, 01:30 AM

Hun, I can understand how you're feeling. One week is really good. Well done. :) Though sometimes, as already said, it can take a while to sort out how you're feeling, what you're thinking, ect. I think you should talk to your counsellor/psychologist about this. See what they think and maybe even tell them you just want them to listen and not try to solve everything yet. I know I like to solve things in my own time and don't like other people doing it for me. Take care, we're always here for you. xx

Target Dawn · 14-03-2009, 02:50 AM

guiltyinnocence, I do click with my counsellor & my psychologist but I just feel like nothing is helping me regardless of what they do. It's not them, this has happened with all the psychologists, psychiatrists & counsellors that I've seen.

Katiee, I've already told them that I don't think anything is helping. My psychologist said to me..."then is there any point in you coming to see me?". & I think she might be right because if nothing is getting better, then what is the point? I just don't know what to do anymore.