Triggering (Suicide) - Hit a low again today

[brap_brap]

I got no idea why. Its feels yk something is trying to take over and ruin my life. Everytime it comes its get bigger and stronger to fite. I texted my friend today at lunch to kindoff warn her

Im trying to isolated myself from the class and i want to buy some pills to stock up incase i need to do it or This thing whatever it is tells me to do it.

Today i took half n hour to go into college after lunch because i wanted to get it all ou but i couldnt and i had to get the courage to go in its pathetic and stupid

On the way home i was crossing i bridge driving all i was thinking what happens if i drive into the side of it and i hope it ends it all.

My dad ask me what i want to do after college and i thought death for the first thing

I recently got discharged from my therapist because i pretend to be fine and ask to get discharged he didnt stop me for once he didnt know me that will only the 3rd seeing him because my other 1 contract had finished

I dont know what im feeling and i dont want to fite this no more because i keep on failing at it

Yep thats means im A FAILURE

My tutor was trying to give me some positive things like saying well done for dropping the reins going over the jump because the horse trip over it. I didnt drop them he took them out of my hands Well done horse

Sorry if that doesnt make sence

[~Grace~]

Im sorry, I cant remember if you see a doctor or not. But maybe now is the time.
It sounds like things are becoming very difficult for you...too difficult for you to cope with on your own. Maybe seeking help would be a good idea and to keep posting on here to allow your feelings out and to ask for support during this time of crisis.

Thinking of you xxx

[brap_brap]

Thankyou. Im condersiding seeing my gp just now its just having the courage to ask again. Things are getting difficult everyday. just now i dont think i have the strength to get through this. i will try to get on everyday its a bit hard because of the puppy just now

[~Grace~]

I understand how difficult it is to see a gp and to open up, but you really dont want things spiralling out of control. maybe now is the time to get that courage and make an appointment. For us it is so hard, but for gps they see this sort of thing daily and it wont be new to them.
Thinking of you xx

[brap_brap]

hey things are still the same. Today i bought new tool and at break i decided to try n get them out of the case. my old ones were blunt

I decided to cut my thumb and it was semi deep cose it bleed for ages manage to get it stop then it restarted after class so i went to the toilets and a class mate was in and she was like omg are you ok. I said yeah i was fine and its not too deep so should be fine

I felt on edge after i did but i now i feel calm

it just feels so right