Have you ever felt like you don't know who you really are? Just about everyone has at some point in their life. In fact, people struggle so often with this that it is considered an normal part of growing up. It's something that no one really likes to struggle with, but often times the journey of finding your true self teaches you a lot. The thing is, I'm not so sure that the way I'm struggling with this is "normal". I'm not so sure that the things I'm struggling with are normal, or if this all is directly associated with some underlying problem, the cause of which needs to be addressed.
I feel like I'm living in two extremes, total opposite of one another and then there is this combined mixture of the two. I feel like I'm three different people. I have to be two different people, because there is no way that the same person can have such conflicting ideas and perspectives of things.
For example, I can get really depressed and despondent. When I'm like that I see absolutely no future for myself. I don't see myself living a normal life. The idea of doing the things needed in order to live a 'normal' life seem impossible, overwhelming and pointless. The idea of recovery and hope seem so foreign. Suicide seems like a welcomed relief. I can't get suicide off my mind even when I'm not depressed.
Then there is the other extreme. At time I would become full of hope and I would devise plans that would make my life better. I had hopes and dreams and goals far beyond anything I could really accomplish, but I wouldn't realize that they were absurd until I would look back. But now it's not so extreme.
Then the combined mixture, while I don't really think it's me, is the one I most like. It's the one where I still realize I have my struggles and I know things are going to be tough, but I also have hope. Not that crazy, outrageous, and unrealistic hope, but the kind of hope that you can really hold onto. It's the only one where suicide doesn't seem a realistic option, because I realize I'm meant for more. I don't know what, but I know if I'm not alive then I can't find out.
The thing with this (idk what to call it) side of me (whoever I am), whenever I'm in the other two state of minds, I don't remember this one even exists. And it seems like this state only lasts shortly compared to the others. The depressed state can last up to months and the 'crazy' state can last just as long, but normally only weeks, sometimes only days. And my mood and views/perspectives on life can change so quickly from this state (which I'm now calling #3) to the depressed state. It's like, it takes so long to go from depressed to #3, but only a matter of minutes to go from #3 to depressed.
I feel like I have to kill them. I need to get rid of this confusion. Right now, I think I'm slipping. I can tell that my low mood and despondent thoughts are taking over as I type this. I want to be able to hold onto mood #3. Even if i never find out who I really am, I'd settle for living in mood #3. Maybe that's who I am, but I just don't realize it because I've been lost in depression for so long.
I want to follow through with my plans. The plans I make when I'm in state #3, not the depressed state. The depressed state plan is to kill myself on March 25th, 2013, the day before I turn 22. That's not such a good plan, but I only realize it's not good when I'm in state #3.
So, I meant to type my state #3 plan out, in hopes that reading it when I'm depressed could give me hope, but I don't have time now. Hopefully I will later.
Peace
Last edited by Mutende kuli ine : 09-03-2009 at 11:11 PM.
I've gone around everywhere.
I've searched around everywhere.
I've turned around everywhere.
There's no one, there's no one like Him.
There's no one, there's no one like Jesus.
There's no one, there's no one like Jesus.
There's no one, there's no one like Jesus.
There's no one, there's no one like Him.
Hun, I don't really have any advice or anything. (I'm not sure if you were asking for some, I kinda got a little confused, sorry) but I can completely understand when you say you feel like different people. I feel like there's two me's. It can be confusing alot of the time. So know, you're not alone. Anyway, I hope you're alright. Take care, sweet. xx
Sweetie all those sides of you must be very confusing to deal with. Having your moods change constantly can be very tiering and also isn't normal.
Have you ever told anyone about all this like your GP or MHT?
Try and maybe write down your moods everyday and when it changes try and figure out what triggered it and then hopefully after a while a pattern will emerge nd you will be able to see what sets you off into a depressed mood or a crazy mood.
Amy x
'Cause I'll always remember you the same.
Oh eyes like wild flowers within demons of change ♥
I've gone around everywhere.
I've searched around everywhere.
I've turned around everywhere.
There's no one, there's no one like Him.
There's no one, there's no one like Jesus.
There's no one, there's no one like Jesus.
There's no one, there's no one like Jesus.
There's no one, there's no one like Him.
Right now, I don't have a psychologist or anything and I can't see my GP at the moment. Doubt it would help. I have kept mood journals and mood charts in hopes they would help. Sometimes I can see little patterns and triggers but sometimes these 'moods' just come out of left field. There's no particular thing or event that triggers then or precedes them. That in itself is frustrating and just adds to the confusion.
I've gone around everywhere.
I've searched around everywhere.
I've turned around everywhere.
There's no one, there's no one like Him.
There's no one, there's no one like Jesus.
There's no one, there's no one like Jesus.
There's no one, there's no one like Jesus.
There's no one, there's no one like Him.
I hate this and now that I'm depressed again I want to kill myself
I've gone around everywhere.
I've searched around everywhere.
I've turned around everywhere.
There's no one, there's no one like Him.
There's no one, there's no one like Jesus.
There's no one, there's no one like Jesus.
There's no one, there's no one like Jesus.
There's no one, there's no one like Him.
