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What makes me Me
I wasnt sure where to post this so put it here let me know if should be somewhere else. This is some thing I wrote to try n get things out my head n thought why not post it here then ppl know who I am n why am the way I am.
What makes me Me
Well when I was bout 6-7 years old, I remember my parent’s friend’s son being in my brothers bedroom with me when my brother had gone out the room he lay on top of me n did something he should never have done.
I never spoke about it or even remembered about it until, When I was in early 30’s and have till this day told only told two people I know I can trust.
I then remember while growing up not being able to mix with others very well. I always felt like I was an outsider and felt out of place when I look back at it now. I have also found it hard to fit in as an adult as I grew up. Don’t feel it affected my sex life I started young at high school, when I think again maybe that’s why I had normal sex drive and sex life as I blocked it out for so many years.
Then my first long standing relationship was ok at first then turned violent as time went on. I also had 3 more violent relationships. Got to a point I felt it was me. Now I look it has been the sort of thing I attract.
After the first relationship broke down to violence due to being beat over and over at 1 time causing me to lose a baby when 2 months gone. So when I found was pregnant again I left with out knowing or linking anything. I did find it hard to leave I did at first beg him to take me back couldn’t say why. Had another short time relationship and got hit once in the face and ended up with a broken nose while I was carrying my 2nd child so I walked away from that and moved from Australia to England. Started to see someone over here he was violent when drunk against others and at times show he would turn on me he would drink everyday so after a while I ended it. Then the next guy wasn’t a drinker he was from a church going family then found out he played behind my back but I didn’t want to let go so we stay together for bit longer. Then we ended up breaking up but he would call round when he wanted for a bit of fun. I then asked him take me back n he said no. I cried and begged him he held me against the wall by throat with my feet off the floor. Then after he left was the first time I never did anything to my self which was take an over dose ended up in hospital then in a mental ward for them to she what was up they told me it was a depression due to situation. Had counselling don’t feel I got out of it. While this was happening my mum had my 2 sons, at first to help me but then we had a disagreement the week they was due back so she said she not sending them back. This made me turn a bit and go off the rails a little party and yes drugs smoking pot and speed which didn’t help when it came to going court so it went my mums’ way but with an agreement to them coming back once I got back on track again.
In that time I did meet someone and became pregnant with my daughter. I walked hard at getting back on track became friends with my mum again but when ever I bought up having the boys back it would cause a big fall out and wanted to try and do nice way with out freighting it out in court again. As time went by found it harder and harder but with us working and bills etc couldn’t afford to go to court so kept trying to work at it on a friendly return. Then my mother said she was going back to Australia so I said well boys are staying here it kicked off and we had to go back. I went back to court and won my boys back it was quick. My solicitor said the case just did it its self because the way I had turned my life around.
Then over the 13 year relationship with my daughter’s dad he drank slept round and would take it all out on me. I felt I had to try and make it work some how. After being married a month I found he had been tarting it online he made out for months it was in my head and it was me. When we would argue I would get to the point where I hit myself pull my hair and just scream. Then I found out he had meet up with a friend and was having an affair with her. We tried to get past it but as time went on. He got worse with his drink and sleeping round more and more and when I tried to confront him he went nuts and tried to set the house on fire with us the kids sons friends in the house and I got worse I then began cutting myself but never told or let on to anyone at the time. After the complete break down off the marriage my cutting got worse to the point where a few time I need treatment for it so I admitted it to my doctor and now because it got the bad everyone knows.
Now 12 months after leaving have a new partner who is so strong and helped me loads, but my daughter being a daddys girl has gone back to live with her dad and I have found it hard and family saying some things and reactions of them has got to me and it is all coming back depression etc.
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