So i went up in my loft to find some old diaries that maybe i could show to my boyfriend to make him understand why i 'used to' self harm & still find it hard not to.
And yeh i did find some old diaries, but there was one in particular, when i was 15, i dont remember writing.
I know why i blacked it out, Cos its the months with an abusive boyfriend leading up to when he raped me.
It hurts so much to find this, Theres one particular bit i wrote about a week before IT happened, me saying that he keeps pushing me to do stuff & i dont want to & he just manipulates me to anyway.
Why the f*** did i not just dump him then?
As well as all my writing theres actually a couple of photos of him in there.. which have ripped me apart.
I always get flashbacks, but now i can barely go out the house.
I slipped up and cut myself last week.
I thought that was all it would be, a slip up.
But now, I really NEED to again.
And the other cuts not healing, its going all horrible, im worried itll get infected, i should have got stitches.
All of this to make my boyfriend understand. I dont know what to say to him,
He seems off with me lately. I know hes tired when he gets home from work but hes barely touched me atall lately.
Hes the only guy ive let even touch me since, i feel like i need him to have sex with me to show me that he wants me.
Hun,
I'm sorry to hear that. Sometimes theres so much going on you don't remember anything at all. A few years back I had so much and I used to write about it and when I found it in my room a few months I didn't remember writing it at all. Maybe you didn't dump him then because you were scared? It's OK to be scared, completely understandable. Try and not let this get you down, remember it's over with now. He can't hurt you. Try and not cut either, it won't help. Keep yourself busy and try and take your mind off it. If you think your cut is infected make sure you get it treated asap. I think you should talk to your boyfriend about how you think he seems 'off' with you, maybe that isn't the case but it just seems like that. Take care, sweet. xx *HUGS*
our mind blocks out things that are too scary and too much for it to take. it wasn't your fault. i wish i could say more but my mind is not working well today. xxx
It was not your fault and the fact you didn't dump him when thinks were going that way doesn't change anything people like that are very manipulative. Do you think you could tell your boyfriend about it? He wouldn't be with you if he didn't care about you and maybe if you could open up to him it would help you both. Have you got any other support or someone who could help you with this.
Take care of yourself
xx
You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are.
Oh, honey. There are so many aspects to this post that I can relate to from my own experiences, right down to the diary entries and the situations surrounding them and the memory "blanks" and not updating.
I really do understand how you feel.
Opening up to a current partner about abuse is something that is and should be completely in your control. If and when you feel ready to tell him. I can also understand the mindset of thinking sex = wanting. Could you see a doctor or anyone about the cuts? Keeping them clean and changing dressings regularly should help, but if you need anymore advice you could post on the First Aid board.
I understand this is a very sensitive topic, so if ever you needed to talk to someone who knows what it's like in private, but "not someone you know", I'm always here for you. Look after you, lovely.
Maybe you didn't dump him then because you were scared? It's OK to be scared, completely understandable. Try and not let this get you down, remember it's over with now. He can't hurt you.
Yeh i was scared, and i still am. 'He cant hurt you now' cant he? Hes still out there. He could quite easily come back and do it again.
Or what if hes done it to another girl?
Its all my fault i should have gone to the police or something.
I see him everywhere.
I was at uni the other day walking through this huge room/corridor and the only person in there was walking past me going the other way, & he looked just like him.
and he smiled at me.
so of course what do i do, have a panic attack.
I dont know what to do to stop myself from cutting.
Ive managed to get through this weekend, just.
I decided id cut and blame it on slipping at work or something, but now my boyfriends seen my body so would realise.
im working again on wednesday so maybe i can cope till then.
Hun, i feel for you. Are you able to say to your boyfriend exactly how you feel. Like, "I found something in an old diary I don't remember writing and it's scared me so much and ..." Like, even just tell him that you can't tell him what happened yet. It sounds like he really does care.
Maybe he hasnt been touching you because he's scared of hurting you? I know most my bf's have stopped touching me after finding out about the cutting, all for different reasons but mainly not to hurt me.
Thinking of you <3
