Rant - Feeling so suicidal

x_Electrify · 07-03-2009, 01:22 AM

I normally post in r&v because I don't want waste forum space, but I could really do with replies right now.

I can't cope anymore. I ALWAYS say this, but this time i'm desperate. I feel really really suicidal, and I don't know if I can stop myself this time. I know you're all thinking 'but if she's posting on here she's not going to do it...' but this really is my last chance at getting help. And I KNOW this isn't a substitute for anything professional, but I really can't see anyone professional, for a multitude of reasons.

Right now I don't think i'm going to make it until the morning to see anyone, even if I wanted to. None of my friends (the ones I could actually talk to about something like this) are picking up their phones, and the others, as I said, I just can't tell. I've tried distracting myself, doing other stuff, making plans for the future etc.... all the normal stuff that usually bides me some time until I change my mind, but nothing is working.

I sort of went from sad, to devestated, to angry, to accepting that I can't do anything this time. This situation is never going to get better because this is just me! I ALWAYS fuck up. I can't even eat normally, or go a day without cutting really badly. I'm letting everyone down, myself included. And that just isn't fair.

I'm breaking up with my boyfriend, then emailing my tutors to tell them i've quit (I just decided, despite posting about the whole shallow boring uni situation in another forum) and then i'm going to let nature take it's course.

This isn't a suicide note. I'm not actively going to end my life...i'm just going to chose not to act in a way which could save it. I phoned Samaritans and they were pretty much like 'could be worse...be grateful'. I should be, and in a way I am. Someone else deserves a life as great as mine, and if I could somehow tranfer it, I would.

I wish there was someone here right now, someone to make this a bit easier, easier enough to carry on. But it's always just ME in the end.

jesslove · 07-03-2009, 02:59 AM

love,
please hang on, just one more day. Can you call a crisis line? or just call a friend and just distract yourself for a while?
Please tell your boyfriend whats really going on.
Do you have a councillor/therapist or anything? if you dont, could you make an appontment for one?
I'm thinking of you love and I hope you know that you CAN get through this.
I know you can. <3

Katiee · 07-03-2009, 03:06 AM

Heyya,
I know it's hard, but you will get through this! *HUGS*
Is there anyone else you can talk to like a family member or something? xx

teenytineytori · 08-03-2009, 04:13 AM

Things do get better. i promise. I know it seems like it can not possibly. But it will. You may have a good life but there are things going on in your head that are not allowing you to enjoy them. You should call a crisis center or seek professional help. I know you said there are many reasons as to why you can't but there is always something that can be done. Keep calling your friends, call a crisis center, go on CHAT. whatever the situation there is always another way to solve it.

((hugs))