Triggering (SI) - Need advice. :( Please help *long(Sorry)*

[Gracie_Marie]

I'm sorry that this thread is so long. I just need someone to read this. I need advice on what to do. I'm so lost and i really need help. These were written last night and tonight. I just feel like i need someone to know what i'm going through. I need someone to give me advice. Please help. : (

3/4/09

I feel like everything’s going downhill. Recently I’ve been fine. I was hanging out with my two best friends, family issues were still bad but manageable, school was some what tolerable and now it seems everything is just getting worse. I found out one of my best friends is probably moving away soon cause her mom and her moms boy friend broke up which now leaves them homeless for a little bit. They’re planning on moving at least 30 minutes away. She’s the only person I can tell everything too! I haven’t trusted anyone, not even my other best friend, really since the incident that occurred with my ex-best friend. We had a huge fight and she totally stabbed me in the back. We’re friends now but not best friends and that friendship is screwed up. And now the one person I’ve actually trusted since then is leaving my life. I don’t get why just when everything is starting to go right something horrible happens. My mom always says “its going to get worse before it gets better” But how do you know when it stops getting worse and its going to start getting better? Just when I think its getting better the worse happens again. It’s like it gets worse and worse and worse and never gets better. Why does this shit always happen to me? I know I’m not the only one in the world who has these types of problems but tons of people have lives full of friends, boy friends, good families and love. I have none of those right now. Technically I have friends and family but they’re both falling completely apart. My ex best friend (the one I mentioned earlier) has a boy friend and a lot of my other, non-close, friends do and I feel like I’m the oddball out that will never get one. My other best friend doesn’t either but she’s really childish sometimes so I understand that. She’s just not mature enough to have one. I don’t mean that in a bad way, I just mean she’s probably not ready. And truth is I don’t really know I if am either but I want one because I want to feel like someone actually really cares about me. Cause I really feel like no one does lately. I know this goes back a while ago but my old, old, old best friend from 7th grade was a cutter and she got me into that. Back then I did it for her, to get her attention and keep her as a friend. I felt like if I did that then we would have more in common and she wouldn’t want to leave me as friend. Then my other old best friend just from last year was bi and had a crush on me and so of course I pretended to be bi just so she wouldn’t think I was calling her weird and I wanted her appreciation and, of course, affection. I never really went out with her or did anything with her but I did tell her I like her too which wasn’t totally a lie because I did have strong feelings for her, but just not like that. And from that friend I found my other best friend that I have now (the one that’s not leaving). Yes she’s childish but she has an amazing sense of humor and I love her to death. She always makes me laugh even if I’m mad and want to punch a wall. But she doesn’t cry and so if I try to talk to her about something serious it turns into a joke. Even if she doesn’t try, It’s just her nature to be funny and not emotional. I’m very emotional though and need someone to talk to about things. I admit I do have some issues that are personal and not caused by anyone. I’ve been thinking I am actually a little mental or crazy but I don’t really want to. I’ve just been thinking. But back to the subject, I need someone I can talk to. Then my best friend (the one that actually is moving) shows up in class as a new student. I didn’t talk to her because I’m shy and as I said before, don’t trust anyone anymore. As we were leaving though she noticed my backpack. My backpack has the name of one of my favorite bands name labeled across it. She loved the band too and commented on how much she liked my backpack. We started to talk and we both realized we loved most of the same things. Music, Books especially and clothing style. Our attitudes are alike and we call each other our ‘twin’. We’ve been together less than a year but its like she’s my best friend soul mate. I can’t really imagine life with out her. Then she tells me the news about her moving and I seriously broke down. After we hung up I felt like shit and just watched TV. My mom comes home and I end up getting in a huge fight with her. My emotions took over and soon I was balling my eyes out and trying to tell her about my best friend moving but she’s not emotional and doesn’t deal with crying well and basically told me to shut up about it. I got pissed and told her I was done. With everything, life, school, my family. I simply quit as she said she was going to do just a few minutes before. I slammed my door and simply crumpled on the floor against my wall crying harder than I had in months. Which is funny because my best friend and me were talking about how I hadn’t been able to cry lately and it was weird for me. Well like the saying goes I should’ve been careful what I wished for. My mom tried to come in and talk to me but I made a sarcastic remark and she left. 10 minutes later I went to her room cause I actually did want to talk to her and we did talk. I was crying about how I feel like whenever life starts to get good it just ends up horrible and I was pouring my heart out about how much I’ll miss my best friend and how much I need her cause she’s the only one I can talk to about everything. For once my mom listened and let me cry and tried to comfort me as best she could. She moved A LOT when she was little so she knew what it was like to have to leave friends. She said after awhile she stopped trying to make friends and she said that was horrible for her to do and she wishes she hadn’t. She was basically saying that I shouldn’t stop trying to be her friend after she leaves and that I need to start trying to make more closer friends and let go of my trust issues from my ex best friend. It helped a little but I still feel so torn up inside. I told you before about my friend in 7th grade and how I used to cut for her. Well I started again this year. I don’t even know why. I had started again last year but forced myself to stop because I knew it was wrong. But just 3 days ago I wanted to so I did it. I can’t explain why. I want to do it again now so badly as I’m typing this but I know I shouldn’t. I did it two nights ago too. I’m even thinking about suicide even though my mom and me settled the fight. I just feel horrible about my best friend moving and I feel like I’m cut up in a million pieces inside. I know I could just go read or watch TV and forget about it but I don’t want to forget about it. I want the urge to cut and now these stupid suicidal thoughts gone. I don’t think I could ever pull myself to actually commit suicide but I don’t want to be thinking about it. I want help. That sounds so stupid but it’s what I’ve wanted to say for a long time now. I want help. I’m scared to ask my mom for a therapist and I’ll be scared to go if I get one but what if it helps? I seriously just want myself to not be depressed anymore. Maybe I need meds. Maybe I just need someone to talk to. Maybe I just need a friend. My best friend was there to talk to but since she cuts too I’m afraid to tell her I am again and that I’m thinking thoughts like this. She always cuts if I do normally and same goes the other way around since I’m trying to get her to stop but now I feel I can’t tell her cause I want her to think I’m being strong for the both of us. I want her to think that if I can do it she can too. I know she can stop. I’m sure of that. But I’m questioning myself. I seriously want to talk to someone about all this that can tell me what to do and just fix how I’m feeling or at least give me some advice but I really am scared to go to a therapist. I don’t know if I’d be able to tell them anything. I would buckle under the pressure and probably wouldn’t talk. What good would that do? I just want someone to read all this and know how I’m feeling and put my life back to together. I feel like my life is a 100,000 piece jigsaw puzzle and all these people were trying to put it together but gave up because it was too complicated cause all the pieces were white. It’s not impossible to fix my life and me, just complicated and very hard. I just need someone to have the patience to work it out. To take the time that’s necessary to put the final picture together. Who knows? Maybe it’s just invisible ink on the pieces and the picture will finally make sense once its all together and I can see the magnificent picture that it will create. I just need that one person who will understand. If I can find him or her I don’t know what will become of me. Whether I become more crazy or I start cutting even more than I have been or I actually start getting the urge to follow through with my thoughts of suicide, it wont end good. I just know it.

3/5/09

I thought that maybe after yesterdays writing and all that happened nothing could really get worse then it was then. Well suddenly it did…again. My ex-best friend and I were talking. Well she is still one of my very close friends and I love her to death because she’s like a sister to me. I love her but I don’t like her (just like most sisters are like). Well she’s starting to scratch herself and it’s leaving these big marks and scabs on her and now she’s writing poems about suicide. She told me that she’s not really suicidal she’s just going through a rough time and she has to act ok when she doesn’t feel it. I tried to give her advice, some of the best I’ve probably given, but I don’t know if she’ll follow it. I just have a bad feeling about everything that’s going on. My best friend leaving, my close friend getting WAY too depressed, my family issues, and finally, my own inner personal issues. It’s hard enough fighting myself daily but now I have to act strong for all my friends, my family and I have to lie to myself and tell myself I’m ok when I’m not, just so I can get through a school day without crying or lying to the school nurse to get her to send me home. I don’t want to have to act strong when I don’t feel strong. I’ve always been the one that’s not strong, doesn’t really stand out and is weak in almost everyway and this year i'm forcing myself to do the complete opposite. I feel like I have to, to make sure everyone else is ok. Like with my other best friend (who’s not leaving) is really childish and immature, like I said before. People pick on her and because she doesn’t stand up to anyone I have to stand up for her and I’m the one considered the bitch if I stand up for her. And with my best friend (who is leaving), I told you how she cuts. Well I feel like if I tell her I am then she’ll think its ok and go ahead and do it. So I have virtually no one to tell how I feel. Not even my other close friend because she doesn’t need someone to complain to her at this time in her life. I just really want to talk to someone. I was just sending her a comment and I started talking about how I was feeling and I erased all of it because I don’t want her to know that I’m falling apart too. I told her that but maybe she needs to know she’s not the only one feeling like that. I’m feeling so dead inside. Not even really dead, just cut up in a million little pieces. There go the puzzle pieces. The puzzle pieces are the little parts of my inside that are being chopped up. I have to find out what’s chopping them up and who can fix me up before it kills me. Which it eventually will if this keeps going on. Pretty soon the little blades of whatever or whoever is cutting me up will reach my heart and once that breaks, who knows what will happen? I can make a pretty good guess…I’ll be gone. I don’t want to sound dramatic but its how I feel and I need to get all these feelings and words out of me before they explode. Cause that’s how I feel. I feel like all the emotions are just going to erupt inside me and that’s when I’ll crack and be gone beyond help. I’m scared of asking for professional help and I’m scared to talk to anyone, my mom especially. I don’t want to let her and my sister down. I don’t want them to think I’m crazy and need that mental help. Even if it’s true and I do need it I don’t want them to go. Could I seriously wait till I’m out of the house before I get help? How would I even afford it then? I probably won’t have the money. Everything’s getting too complicated. I’m not strong enough to carry all this weight around on my shoulders and carry everyone else’s load too. I shouldn’t have to be worrying about other people’s problems when I have my own too. Its like i’m trying to protect three or four other people who have some big problems too and I can’t do it anymore. I need to start helping myself instead of them. But I know I won’t. I can’t let them down too or else I’ll blame myself if something goes bad with them. I’ve gotten too far into this. I’ve done a complete 180 since last year and it’s so hard to adjust to this new life of protecting everyone else’s feelings and well-being. I’m used to keeping myself safe and keeping my emotions fairly open to close friends so I can feel normal and not erupt. But keeping my emotions inside and not being able to talk to anyone about them or let them out in anyway besides writing (which doesn’t really help since it’s still just me) doesn’t help. Maybe getting professional help would be better. I wouldn’t have to tell anyone except my family. That way the others wouldn’t have to know that I’m completely falling apart also. Maybe I’m not getting their full stories either but I’m trying as best I can to get them so they don’t end up bottling everything up and not helping themselves. I don’t want them to be like me. I’ll attempt to talk to my mom but…I don’t know if I can. I need to pull some more strength out of me, even if there’s no more left. I need help somehow or just go on living, feeling like a piece of shit.


So basically what i need advice on is:
-How can i keep from cutting even though i'm going through alot of crap right now.
-how do i cope with my bestfriend moving
and
-how do i talk to my mom about the therapist.

Any other advice would be majorly helpful too. Thank you for reading this and sorry it was so long. I do need this adive though and i feel like this is the only place i can turn too.

[Megynn]

about your first post, i know what its liek to be stbbed in the back, and i know exactly how you feel about the therapist, i never admitted i wanted to go but mum made me and honestly? best decision of my life, i didnt think id say anything either but once your in there you realise theyre PAID to listen to your problems and help you. its amazing to get everything off your chest and she helped me stopp cutting just by listening. getting things off your chest is amazing and i sugest it.

about your second entry your right you cant keep looking after all these people, tell you friend (thats moving) that she cant be doing this because your trying to be strong as best you can and cant she please try to stay strong for you. if she cares she'll listen. and about your other friend ((not moving and childish) i know EXACTLY how you feel i have a friend iv known for 11 year now and because were so close he cant cope with me being upset and he knows he can make me smile, so the whole crying or upset thing doesnt work with him because he never takes it seriously and just makes me laugh. How to approach your mum? well you could try and get her alone maybe ask to go out for a coffee or a meal and tell her that you know she finds it hard to comfort you when your upset and you think it would be good to talk to someone who is TRAINED to help you when your upset. maybe she'll jump at the chance to pass along a job (sorry if that sounds harsh)

as for your friend actually moving: my best friend moved away ages ago, but we were having a fight at the time and no one beleived she was actually moving. she moved hours away from me and iv never really got over not being able to say goodbye, so make sure you two keep in touch beecause friends like that (who you have so much in common with) are so important... and besides it's only 30 mins away so? its not that far is it? its still close enough that seeing eachother every weekened wouldn't be too hard and if your mum is genuine about wishing shed kept in touch with frends then surely shed jump at the chance to help you do exactly that.

As for the cutting thing? maybe try that butterfly project idea in the distractions page. iv been tempted lately and just having drawn a butterfly on my wrist makes me remember this site and that if i DID hurt myself i would be sort of letting down people after doing so well. also if you want to help your friend stop then you should stop... you know? lead by example etc.etc

hope some of this helped... i know its a long post but please read it
PM me if you want to talk
i hope some of this helps

take care xoxo

[teenytineytori]

I am sorry so many things are going wrong at the same time. I know it is overwhelming.

I think that just telling your mom that you want to talk to a therapist is the best thing to do. It sounds like you let her see how torn up you are when you were crying about your friend moving. And she was fairly understanding about it. Maybe just tell her you are having a hard time dealing with it and you do not want to shut yourself off and think talking to someone will help to make sure you do not do that

I had a really close friend move so far I can only get there by plane. We were both cutters and had gone through a lot in a school year. We kept in contact over the phone and internet. it wasn't the same but we are still ver close almost ten years later. I am going to be in her wedding. It can work out. we always pick up where we left off. When you are close like that the distance isn't such a big deal. And a half hour away is not too bad. Sounds like there are weekend slumber parties in your future :)

As for the friend you have there... It sounds like she is having some major issues. I think you should encourage her to talk to someone. Let her know you are worried about her. And that you do not want her to get to the point where she is so overwhelmed that she does something drastic. You are not her keeper. You need to worry about yourself. Put the suggestion out there and if she does not take it then just be there for her when YOU can. You are going through too much to put her as a priority.

As for not hurting yourself. Just take it one day at a time. I know that having constant intrusive thoughts is really difficult but it will pass. Just keep on tucking. Come on this site. Look on here at Fun and Distractions. And get a therapist. it will help.

The suicidal thoughts are hard to deal with. If you are worried about your safety then you need to contact a professional ASAP. And if your mom will not help then talk to your school counselor. Do not let these thoughts go without professional help.

I know it does not seem like it but things get better. the reason things get better and I really believe this is because you learn so much from going through the tough things. Life is never easy but you gain skills to deal with what comes next. Sometimes it feels like you are falling apart. But then all of a sudden you are looking back on a really hurtful period in your life and realizing that you got through it. And in getting through it you learn valuable skills that no one can teach you. And then when a situation calls for those skils you already have them so it is not so hard to deal with. Keep writing. Writing is a great way to release emotions.

((hugs))

[[Awakening]]

**hugs** sorry u feel like this.

I agree that u need to talk to a professional, could u perhaps tell ur school nurse, she may be able to help u find a therapist and help u tell ur mum.

Be brave and seek help.

Not much to say but im thinking of u and i can relate to a lot of the things uv mentioned so feel free to pm me if u want

xxx

[Katiee]

Heyya,
I'm sorry you're feeling like this. *HUGS*
Just keep yourself busy that will help take your mind off cutting. Watch TV, go for walk, take a bath, write about how you feel, ect. I don't really know what to say about your best friend moving, you could still keep in contact with her you know ring her, email her, write letters ect? About your mum and the therapist... like the other said talk to mum if thats too difficult maybe you could talk to a teacher or even write your mum a letter about it? Take care. xx

[faithinthegasman]

In my opinion, cutting is a shame, counter-productive, etc, but the real problem is that you feel so bad that self harm is what you turn to. Even if you stop cutting, that won't mean that the feelings that made you do it will do away, so it's really important that you take care of those feelings. It's not your job to be the rock for everybody in your life, a friendship shouldn't be parasitic, friends should be there for each other. So try opening up to your friends. Also, it's awesome that you can see that you need help...now it's time to act on that. It sounds like your mom doesn't want you to hurt, try talking to her about seeing a therapist.
Good luck, hun, PM or AIM me if you want to talk.