Firstly, in spite of the tag I have put on here, I am not suicidal, the reasoning for the tag is that some of the sentiments expressed here may be triggering for some people.
I often have ended up wondering to myself what the point of life is, I see no reason for continuing on, and yet I do. Let me put it this way, I exist because that is all I can do, I am not necessarily happy with the existence for the whole thing seems pointless and unfulfilling. In the past, I had made attempts upon my life, and each one failed. I do not wish to repeat the same experience of those attempts for they were traumatic, and ultimately, brought me nothing but bad memories. I am left with the situation where I live because I see no point in dying, but equally, I see no point in living.
Clearly, I am not happy with the current state of affairs, but, I am taking the only viable option, which is to continue as I am even if I feel like I'm sitting in a stagnated pool, there is nowhere else to go. At the same time, at the back of my mind, there is the knowledge that I am more than capable of taking the opposite decision, to choose to exit that pool even in the knowledge that it simply leads to oblivion; and that is what scares me. The fact that this capacity for self destruction still exists within me and may easily arise once again in future.
We are all on the same path between birth and death, and, in the grand scheme of things, what significance would it be if I were to simply take a short cut on the road? Yes, it would cause greif and suffering to those around me, but generation or two later and my name would barely be known. Each and every single one of us is but a speck within time and space, but from my perspective, my conciousness composes the whole of my reality, for I can never escape it, and if I were to do so, I would not even be aware that I were real, and to my mind, that is no different from being dead.
So somebody please tell me, why do I choose to live? For clearly me writing this is indicitive of that decision, but I do not understand fully why I have made this choice. I have very little hope for a bright future, so it seems to me that the best incentive to exist is absent from my life.
im wondering the same things. i don't know what to say, really. sorry that im posting without helping at all, but i wanted you to know that you aren't alone. *hugs*
My RYL family:
I-used-to-be-positive is my big sister razorxkissedxwrists is my mommy alyssa.star is my sister phoenixflames_forever is my cousin concreteangel, helpmydeath, xxbeckyxx and queer fringe are my little sisters bob--says--hi is my twin
I guess I'll just have to find the answers for myself, it's just that this is a recurring them in my life and I've yet to have really addressed it.
There was one thing I remembered though, a long time ago, I believed in God. In any case, the last prayer I ever made was to die, and I think something broke in me at that moment. At the end of it all I've just ended up being agnostic, but, in any case, my being alive means that either:
a) there is no God, and as such, the only existence I have is this one, I may as well take what I have.
b) there is one, and that God simply doesn't give a fuck, this would infer that God harboured power but not benevolence, therefore presenting the whole situation as an example of the problem of evil. I believe I chose option a at the time because b was unacceptable and c was incomprehensible to me.
c) there is one, and the reasoning behind my continued existence being beyond my comprehension, but ultimately having a good basis, and as such I should continue to exist since it would be the right thing to do.
Out of all of these, I think it is most likely that there is no God, but in any case, 2/3 of the possibilities which I have listed provide a reason for me to live, and the remainder simply holds no hope within it, because well if God fitted the description of b then the afterlife would probably be shit as well, making the safest option to be to stick with what you know. Strange logic, but it is coherent.
In spite of saying all of this, I have often wondered if nothing could in fact be better than something, for not existing would mean not suffering, at the same time as not experiencing pleasure. If in life your suffering exceeds your pleasures then death becomes a better option, that is, if you simply take yourself into account in the absence of others, it is a kind of a twisted version of a utilitarian argument, since it is individualised rather than collective. In a collective sense, suicide harms those around the person who dies, and could in fact lead to increased suffering over all, even if the individual's suffering has ceased. I'm not saying that suicide is a selfish act, since I guess in rare cases someone's death could in fact help others, but then that becomes an act of self sacrifice for the greater good, which is a rare circumstance. In some cases it is obvious, say, if someone were to save 100 people, but loose their life in the process, it could be said that it was the right thing to do.
Once again, the logic tends towards the argument that I should live, one argument on a self interested principle, and another on a collective principle. The only problem here is that in spite of these rational arguments, my heart is not in it, my emotions consist of despair, hopelessness and inward hatred.
I'm sorry if my posts are difficult to follow, but to sum things up: logic tells me that living is the better option, my emotions tell me that living is not worth it.
Firstly, I will say, I have no answers for you, because I often question my existence, but I do have thoughts.
If there weren't people in my life who love me, then I would have either killed myself or at least attempted to by now. Of that, I am certain; if there was nobody that cared, my existence would be pointless, and feeling like I do now and have done for a long time, the future would seem bleak. The reality of my situation is that there are people in my life who would be hurt if I was no longer here. I would like to think that for that reason, even at my worst, I will do my best to stay safe. I think I choose to live for fear of causing the kind of pain that I feel; I would never wish that upon anyone.
The way that I see this is: your existence is a relatively short time. It will cease one day and you won't be anymore. However difficult it is, nothing last forever. You talk about the 'stagnating pool' and being able to get out of that, and the oblivion beyond it. I think that maybe oblivion can be a good thing, because you can't see all the way into it. There may be the possibility of self destruction, but there may be other possibilities. It's a risk, but maybe it's better than staying still? Perpahs staying still is easier because at least then you know where you are, it's not unknown.
A couple of final things: I think for a lot of SIers, the possibility of self destruction will always remain. I think it would be unreasonable to expect that to go away completely. But to accept that, I think that might start to make things ok. And I think you will only know if living is worth it in the moment before you die; any time before that, that judgement cannot be made. To decide before that moment, it's a big gamble.
I have no idea why we're here. I have no answers, I don't think anyone does. Maybe there is no point. What I want to do while I'm here is make things better for those that I can. I don't think there's anything more to it.
Thanks everyone, things have started to lift a bit in the last few days which is helping. I think I probably need to stop asking myself some of these kinds of questions because they simply aren't leading me anywhere.
Random radio ___________This spiral
Static on tv ____________Has worn a groove so deep
Losing count of _________Can’t climb out
All the days and weeks ___Pathetic, painful need
