i feel like there's someone who's always been following me... it's all jumbled up right now and i know most everyone would say i'm paranoid. but i feel he is. i don't know who he is exactly. i must not remember everything. but it explains why i act so traumatized when i have no other reason to be... maybe he's coming after me from another life. idk. a few months ago, some young-ish (early 30's maybe) guy asked my sister who lives 20 miles across town when she was walking from the mall (3 miles from me) back to my house (i told her not to... i live in downtown of a big city), asked her if she had a sister that lived around here??? I don't know anyone around here, i had just moved here at that point from where she lives, and how would he know she was my sister? she didn't know him... how could you guess that. then last week some guy of a similar age was strangely following my mom who would be much older than him. so it'd be weird for some random young guy to be stalking her. even she said so. i can't help but think it's connected. is he trying to send a message to me... to scare me. or trying to find me. i think the memory or maybe him himself has always been with me. maybe he's got some reason for being in a human form. or maybe he can't find me yet but he's trying. but no, i think he'd be able to find me pretty easy. he's trying to make me remember, so i can hurt. i've always felt a presence of someone after me, wanting me to fail, wanting to hurt me. i wonder what i did to make him after me... sometimes i think maybe he marked me, so that's why guys always act weird when it comes to me sexually... and why i never gave a second thought about valuing sex though i was brought up in a christian household. maybe he is the demons i used to believe in. he did something. i know it. i don't know his name. but he's young. and he's from a very long time ago, probably another life. i know it sounds crazy, but it makes sense if you felt what i felt. i can't tell anyone though. they'll lock me up for sure.
sometimes this feels real, sometimes it doesn't. but how on earth else would some guy i've never met know my sister who doesn't live out here has a sister around here? i had to write that out; sometimes it really really bothers me. i get really scared. and other times i forget all but the basic details of this and pretend it isn't happening. but it is... i just started realizing this fairly recently. i'm probably gonna cringe tomorrow seeing this post, because i will have forgotten about the reality of it. so i have to put it out now so i will remember better. shit... i hope he can't see it on here. i wonder if he knows about ryl. shit. i'm realizing there's so much i've forgotten; so much i've blocked out. and this is part of it. i think it must have been awful. i don't know for sure. i can't remember. but there's something. and i'm getting closer to it than ever. maybe the key to the chaos.
i sometimes think he talks to me through songs. or the yelling and cussing in my head might be him. i know i should think i've lost it, but somehow, i don't... just heard a gunshot.
I'm sorry nobody replied to this sooner, sweetheart.
Could you tell anybody about your concerns? Often, even if things are just coincidence, it can help to voice your fears properly and get reassurance. Though it does sound as though you could benefit from telling somebody what you're hearing and sensing.
Sweetie you need to tell someone this, someone who can help you understand it and help it.
Im sorry I don't have more to say.
But take care of yourself love
xx
You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are.
I know I should talk about it... it was hard enough just to put it on here. i now think about it and just feel stupid... even when i'm in that moment, i'm usually aware enough to know that others will think i'm crazy, even if I believe it's true. I'm too aware of what others want to hear, so I tend to be very afraid of saying something I know they will find stupid, crazy, offensive, etc... which is why my symptoms are missed by everyone.
And another problem is, like right now, it doesn't seem like a big deal. It seems like it will never happen again, i really remember very little of it when i'm paranoid. the only thing that logically tells me otherwise is the faint remembrance of the fear and the complete insanity of what i wrote. It's all a logical thing, but I feel no fear about it. So I'm not really urged inside to tell someone.
So while I know I should, I don't know how I would ever manage to get myself to tell anyone in person, even if it was handing them a print out of this thread. The anxiety about it is completely overwhelming cause they're either going to think 1.) i'm stupid and seeking attention or 2.) i'm absolutely crazy. And I'm afraid they're going to start watching me more and be more likely to force me to accept whatever treatment they choose. I like my free choice. :( so idk... one of those things you know you should do but have no idea how to go about it.
listen to me when i say, no one is going to find you stupid or crazy or attention seeking. Proffesionals are proffesionals, and they cant force you to do certain treatments, thats your choice.
"Its not how long a star shines, what is remembered is the brightness of the light"
^^Agreed with everyone else.
I dont think you sound crazy, and no professional will think your crazy, or FORCE you into some sort of treatment. But think about it this way, dont you want the fear to go away? The anxiety? The paranoia?
Talking to someone might help or at least give you some peace of mine. Especially with the weirdness of the young man and your sister \ mom. Just for peace of mind, if for anything.
And im sorry this is happening to you :( It sounds terrible and scary and I wish i could make it all go away.
I hope you feel better soon.
xo *hugs*
Last edited by eyes.wide.open : 08-03-2009 at 04:46 AM.
Reason: i suck at spelling haha
"They say time heals all wounds. I don't agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessons, but it is never gone." - Rose Kennedy
