Need support to speak to CPN [UPDATED MORE WHY END OF THREAD]

[Sleepless123]

Please help me.

This is really really important.

i had another thread in this Forum called 'Topping Up NHS Care?' [sorry dont know how to link to it, but perhaps a mod can or someone can tell me how to and i will!] but it was relating to the fact that i have a CPN who is very good with me but that my situation is very complex and if i do decide to even try and get better and stay alive then i would need a heck of a lot more support than that.The waiting list for a Psychologist on the NHS is 18 months, my CPN cant see me more frequently bless her.She is too busy.i havent felt able to ask for much help for a long time and still dont feel able to push the NHS for more cos quite frankly in reality i still think im highly likely to die.And that isnt just me saying it is the reality of my situation.i am taking hundreds of tablets a week to hurt and eventually kill myself.i know it is irresponsible and right now i would be the first to say this is all my fault and please learn from my story.It has built up over time.

I have had a counsellor before though not recently but not a psychologist.People who read my other thread will know i had been contacting various counsellors/psychologists and dithering for a long time.

i had hoped i would be able to commit to myself a tiny bit more to staying alive before going down this route but i am feeling so ill right now - reguarly being sick and think im losing my memory etc.And i feel now i have to do this.For me but also for my family.My family who are only just getting to know me again after not seeing me for years - my fault, i fled and am only just getting to know them again as people.

I am going to be honest with the Psychologist.i have to be but i am terrified.

I am going to tell them that i hope they along with my CPN can help me to get to a point where i want to be physically alive.

Thats what i think i need to do right now.Continue to try and improve my life so i dont feel the need to physically, and in my case i do mean physically literally kill my physical self.

And if i dont succeed.i dont succeed.

i cant say i definitely want to live but at least no one can say i didnt try now.

That i didnt try to get myself to that stage.

i know its down to me and maybe its a failure but i just feel i need more support ya know.

Out of the people i contacted i decided who to see privately.They also work for the NHS [but couldnt see me as part of their NHS post].They work in a place with consulting rooms for different specialities which is infact classed as an independent hospital providing outpatient care.Though i didnt know this till after i decided who to see.But i found an inspection report on the internet for them [i just came across it].They are inspected by the Welsh Assembly Government as they are a registered independent outpatient hospital provider.

They are not the cheapest psychologist i contacted but also are not the dearest.

i went for them because my situation is complex and i needed someone who could cope with this, what im gonna tell them.Also all the people who work at this place also have NHS posts and that made me feel confident that they should be legitimate practioners.

i dont know if this was a good idea and it might be really bad.

But anyway i got hold of the place this afternoon.....and they offered me an appointment for early tomoro evening.

Given im paying and i really need the help ive taken it.im panicking but relieved.

i may still die but at least ive tried.Does anyone think that what im doing is wrong or unreasonable?Is it wrong to ask for emotional support to get to the starting point where i actually want to physically be alive?Is that wrong?i know its down to me but is it wrong to ask for support to try and get to that place?

Is it wrong?

im now trying to prepare and panicking.Planning to write something though.

i need to get what i can from this.

Please help me.

It is really really hard for me to ask for help from professionals and to make appointments like this.Those on here who know me will know this.im gonna try and write something cos im no good at talking verbally.i know i have to try and i will.i just hope they dont mind the letter to start us off.i just hope they dont mind...and tell me they dont wanna read it and throw it back at me!

i just hope it works out but can you guys help me to make it work please?i mean i know its down to me but just a little bit of support??

[_plastic]

Hi,

This is the Topping Up NHS Care [thread]

I'm so glad u are getting this help now, hope it'll go fine..

I won't lie and tell you that i read anything,I haven't,I don't want to start a rant here but i can't concentrate now on anything.

I'll come back later when i am feeling better,

Please stay safe xxx

[pixiedust]

Sweetheart, it's not wrong at all and I'm really proud of you for taking this step. I know it's scary but this will hopefully really help you. Good luck and I'm here if you want to talk *hugs*

[Sleepless123]

Its ok dont worry about not having read anything.

i understand and appreciate the honesty!im sorry your feeling so bad.

Thanks for linking to my other thread too.

And i know my posts go on so apologies to everyone.

i cant keep things short if anyone hadnt noticed already.

i know this is all my fault.i should just be able to stop with the tablets, and the feeling suicidal.....but i cant.

Anyway just needed some support.

Cant say im safe, but i'll be ok.....thanks.

[Sleepless123]

Thank you Miss Pixie too.Sorry i think we were posting at the same time.

Urgh im so nervous....im almost truely feel sick.

i dont know its odd.So panicked but so so relieved too.

And i dont know if ive done the wrong thing especially given the amount of money involved but i had to do something.

Its odd ive spent without exageration quite literally thousands i dont have on trying to kill myself [yeah ok i dont do things the simple way!] and yet the moment i have to spend a fraction of that to try and get better i feel i dont deserve it.

i feel i really dont deserve it.

[espoir]

Hun you do deserve to get better - everyone does.
You have done the right thing in getting extra help, if it is what you need to get better.
Hun its such a big step and if you can try and use that energy you use to try and kill your self and turn it in to trying to fight this.
Be honest with them, they are there to help you, what are you afraid of? just the whole going to see someone?
take care
stay strong
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[pixiedust]

You do deserve it. And try to look at it this way - if you keep going how you are then you're going to end up dead and the money will be of no use to you, so you might as well use it now to try and get better.

I can understand the feeling of being panicked but relieved at the same time. Hopefully after you've met the person tomorrow you'll feel less panicked about it.

It's all very well saying you 'should' be able to stop taking the tablets and feeling suicidal but it's not as easy as that, as you know. Everyone needs support at some point in their life and it's not a bad thing. You're doing really well to reach out and you 100% deserve it.

[_plastic]

Before i start reading,

It's okay if u can't keep anything short cuz i feel like my posts are too long lol.

Get everything off ur chest, thats the point =]

[_plastic]

I'm so so proud of you for reaching out for help,

I myself fear asking help, esp from proffesionals,that is why i can relate a lot to how you feel, you are very very brave, I'm very amazed with your courage , you should be very proud of yourself =]

Asking for help is probabely the scarriest part of getting help [at least it is for me!]so i know how you feel,you are not alone in this.

Writting something down,like a note/letter, is a terrific idea, It'll make a good start for you hopefully, in this way your thoughts would be more orgnized and you would be less likey too forget things you want to say.

Sometimes i used to to write a letter and hand it to my pysch to read while other times i used to write it and read it for him or discuss one point after another, you choose the way that you are more comfortable with.

Asking for emotional support isn't wrong at all,in fact, it is very brave and necessary.And i hope you'll start to feel better and get better from now on.

Remember that you deserve and need this help,

Try, and try again and again..

Take care ,

Roby xx

[tamobhuuta]

you are definiately doing the irght thing, and it's right that this is soem money you're spending on getting better instead of hurting yourself, because you deserve to get better. i really hope it goes wll tomorrow, i'm glad you found someone and hopefully they'll be the right person. good luck, try not to be nervous, i'm sure it'll be fine. tell us how it goes when you can :) *hugs* good luck again!

[sherlock holmes]

It's not wrong at all. You deserve to get help and beat this. I really hope it goes okay. It's probably going to be tough at times and you'll want to quit, but keep going. It'll be worth it in the end :)

[Sleepless123]

Quote:

Originally Posted by pixiedust

And try to look at it this way - if you keep going how you are then you're going to end up dead and the money will be of no use to you, so you might as well use it now to try and get better.

Hey thanks everyone.i cant tell you all how much your support means to me!So happy!!

And Pixiedust i hope you dont mind but ive quoted you above [well i hope so, first time in my year on RYL ive dared to try and quote a post in the proper way!] because what youve said is very very true.i mean i dont really have the money to spare.My ways with the tablets have seen to that!But you are very very right that if i carry on this way im gonna die......and then there really will be nothing......and i think i know that now.im not sure what i feel about it but i think i do know it.And i think that i need to work out what i want.

i guess i probably wouldnt have done this if i didnt know i was gonna die, gonna meet death soon if things continue this way.

And also i guess i know its not easy to just stop being suicidal and just stop taking the tablets as you all rightly point out and i do know that.

But i also know that some people would see it differently.

Would blame me.

Would see me as a piece of rubbish.

ive had those reactions before.

And so i guess like a part of me has began to think like a part of those people.

So thanks for your support.

But i guess a part of me sees it the same as them too.

Part of me blames me for my situation, how long ive been in it and how much of a mess ive made and thinks quite simply i should be able to just stop being suicidal and just stop the tablets [though ive also been told the latter would also be dangerous too cos of the amounts im now taking just to suddenly stop].

Its like people say its me causing my own problems.

im the one physically putting the tablets in my mouth....no one else.

So i should be able to stop right......shouldnt i?

i can see where people are coming from and it makes me feel like such a bad person that some would say ive brought all this on myself and cant even stop.And that that may be a reality

i mean i must be a really bad person right.Cos technically as they say its all in my hands?

And i cant believe ive messed up.And for so long.And even after all this im still not sure if i want to live or die!

Pathetic.

And i guess i think of my family.And i think of how long i stayed away for.i fled and stayed away for ages ie over a number of years with no/very very little contact and then really struggled to get back in touch.i was scared.Scared they wouldnt want me.Now im back in touch and gradually getting to know my family again.Getting to know them as people.

i have let them down badly and have a lot of making up to do.

And they dont even know my current situation.

And i keep thinking what am i gonna say to them about what has happened.

'Hey i stayed away for years and also i couldnt come back cos i was too out of it and disorientated most of the time cos even though it was my hands physically takiing the tablets and so it was all in my control i couldnt stop shoving the tablets in my mouth cos i wanted to take my own life rather than spend time with you.'

The end bits what its gonna seem like to them.That i preferred the tablets to them.That i preferred death to them.

And i cant lie.At one point i did.ive been very ill.

But i cant explain all of this to them being away for years and why and being so close to death and why it has taken me so long to come back.

Yeah i cant explain it and i dont know if any of that makes sense.But im gonna have to stop on that train of thought for now.

Cos gosh im sat here crying and i dont like this...........

As for why i am scared of seeing someone well i guess its cos as would be expected its someone new to me and i dont know how it will go etc, what they will be like, if they are the right person or will understand.But i also worry about telling them about my specific situation.Not because i think my situation is worse than anyone elses etc.More that there are some very odd factors to it.What im doing with the tablets, the length of time ive done this over, the amount and everything that has happened with my family.

And though its an apppointment for emotional support i am also worried they will pick up how ill i am phyiscally cos of the tabs [though my CPN does know a bit about how ill i am cos of them right now but obviously this new person wont] and that is a very difficult subject for me.

So that scares me too.

im also scared they will think theres no point in me going to them if im still not sure i even want to live.

i still have to get to that point, to be more certain of that and i hope they can support me as i try to improve my life to maybe get to that point but what if they dont think its right of me to have gone to them?

That they dont feel able to help?

[Sleepless123]

i guess another part of the reason this might be so scary for me is cos apart from my CPN who came about after a referral to the CMHT after my manager had to speak to me and prompted me and a few other very small things which have happened this is the first time in a long long time i have actually been able to really ask significantly for help off my own back.Feels strange.Different.Scary.

[Sleepless123]

Ok well ive spent most of the night composing a letter for this psychologist who is going to see me tomoro. This appointment is really important to me but the letter is getting quite long and its not yet finished! Because of time issues ie the appointment being later on and also that it is already very lengthy i thought i would post an edited version [to stay within the rules of RYL, protect identities] of what ive already done for peoples comments.im sorry its long again though and please dont feel obliged to read.Sometimes it just helps me to write and oh dear i havent even got to the end yet!The more man.i hope he isnt offended by my writing but sometimes it is the only way i can do things especially at first.

So here it is:


Dear Dr R

I hope that you do not mind me writing this for you today. I know that I need to talk too but sometimes I find this difficult if not impossible with some of my situation especially at first so thought I would write too and I hope that this is ok.

My situation is complex and I don’t know how much we will get through today but will try and explain as much here as possible at least.

I am 26 years old and live alone in [insert area].

I also have a physical disability.

I have only in recent months started having contact with my family again who live elsewhere in the UK after I fled when I was younger quite a few years ago.

I am just slowly getting to know them as people again and realise I have a lot of making up to do especially for the time that I have not been there.

I blame myself that I have been away so long but I was too scared to go back.

I currently have a CPN from [inserts name of clinic] who sees me around once every two to three weeks though was off sick since October and has only just come back.

During that time I was only seen once by a different CPN. I didn’t feel able to ask for more help that I needed during that time. My CPN is good with me but I am now looking at the possibility of supplementing her support.

One of my main difficulties currently is that I often feel very suicidal and over recent years I have been overdosing daily.

I am currently taking between around ** to *** of [inserts types of pills the tablets are from] a day.

When I started doing this five or six years ago I started with lower amounts with around ** amount of tablets a day as a minimum.

And I was only taking one of the different medications.

So I was not taking quite so many tablets a day on average as I am now or the three different lots of medication [but within the same type] I take now [though one of them is not taken daily but just added every now and then.]

The amounts I take daily vary.

But on average have grown over time though and as I say the daily range falls somewhere between ** to *** tablets which has been the case for a while now.Just with an increasing average i guess if you see what i mean!

I guess I started doing this years back because I had attempted suicide by overdosing in the normal way on various medications on various occasions and was frustrated that I had failed.

I thought that this way was slower but that at least I would get there eventually.

But by eventually I meant a few weeks at the most not years.

I guess I also felt that I need punishing before I die and it felt that this way that would happen too.

I had to be punished before I died.

I guess at some point that you are going to ask why am I here seeing you today if this is my situation?

And I think that this is a good question.

I still don’t feel able to fully commit to life right now – that is a step above where I am.

This is a place where I am still trying to reach.

I was hoping to be able to fully commit to life and staying alive before looking at the possibility of looking at getting any additional support to supplement my CPN but I now feel that maybe for me to have any chance of getting to the place where perhaps I can commit to staying alive I may need some support as I improve my life to try and even get to that stage!

I feel that maybe I need some more support during the time when i am looking at trying to sort out my life so that maybe in the future I can get to a point where I want to remain literally physically alive and literally not physically kill myself if you see what I mean!

This seems like it has to be the main aim for me now.

I don’t know if I will succeed in it but I need to get to a point where I want to be physically alive.

And be able to continue that way and see a future.

That is the main thing.

And I tried just stopping the tablets but I couldn’t do it and me putting pressure on myself or others doing so just seemed to make the problem worse and I think me and my CPN have now realised that perhaps I have to focus on sorting out other areas of my life first so I really want to be actually physically alive and here and then maybe things with the tablets and the suicidality will fall into place too.

And I guess this is another reason why I am seeing you.

It is quite daunting but to try and focus on also and explore more the psychological issues and reasons behind all that is happening for me right now.

I am aware that I could have choosen to see a counsellor and not you!
However I have had counsellors before [and some good experiences, some not so good and a bit difficult] though never seen a psychologisst really.

I am aware that obviously counselling is very much also part of your role probably but although im not very good with these things im also guessing that as a psychologist you have probably had more training than someone who only counsels??!

And I also wanted to make sure I got someone who could cope with the complexity of my situation and would be well placed to deal with it given the work they have also undertaken previously and the environment they usually work in.

I had been waiting since last May to see the GP counselling service at my local NHS surgery.

This was at the suggestion of my CPN as she felt it would be suitable as a supplement to the support she is providing as I had been really struggling.

However after nine months of waiting [the counselling service say they didn’t receive the original referral from the GP even though I even chased this on two occasions and the surgery confirmed it had been sent/received!] this service then rejected the referral.

My CPN has now also put me on a waiting list for a Psychologist from the NHS mental health team. However I am told this will take at least 18 months.

Due to the fact that I am still not sure I want to be physically alive and still might die I don’t feel able to ask the NHS for more support.

i feel that I do not deserve it if I cant even say im gonna be/stay alive.

I shouldn’t be entitled to it if im not sure im gonna live.

My physical health is also deteroiating.

I am feeling/being sick a bit more often cos of the tablets.

Recently I have also started on a few occasions to be sick over myself more when I am literally trying to swallow the tablets down.

It is like my body cannot take anymore and I am also very weak.

I also think that maybe I am beginning to lose my memory and my dignity cos of other things.

There are other effects but I wont go into too much now as I know this is getting quite long and also you are probably getting bored!

However I don’t feel able to accept physical treatment for any of these effects unless/until I can feel better emotionally.

I used to be able to accept blood tests/physical treatment for things I had done to myself years ago and even at a push when I first started taking the tablets in overdose daily four or five years ago but now I cant anymore.i just cant do it.The more suicidal I have become the harder that has become too.

But my being unable to accept physical treatment is also another reason I don’t feel able to go to/push the NHS for more emotional support.

Again I feel I should not be entitled to it unless I can accept the physical treatment too for what I have done to myself and I cannot.

[_plastic]

Well written honest letter.

Hope things go fine, stay strong xx

[Sleepless123]

Thanks.A bit too honest??Please let me know people!

[_plastic]

Honesty is a good thing =]

It's supossed to be that way, in my opnion.

[Sleepless123]

Yeah thanks i think i know that really.Just as long as it doesnt get me into any trouble or sitautions that i cant deal with.

But then i guess i knew this isnt going to be easy.....

[whirlpools]

hey hun, i can't concentrate to read lots at the moment. but well done you for booking a psychology appointment. i really hope the psychologist will be able to help you, even if it does take a long time. sometimes this first step forward when you've been stuck-in-the-mud for so long, can feel scary. so remember it's just baby steps, and sometimes it's two steps forward and one back.

xxx

[pixiedust]

I think your letter is very well written and explains things well. It's good to be honest because then they will understand your situation more and therefore be i a better position to help. I really hope that your appointment goes well tonight x