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Hmmm *sighs*
I'm not sure where this really belongs. To be honest, it's not important enough to belong anywhere. But whatever, this seems like a good place.
I'm just...I don't know. Not sad but not happy. Mostly just nothing, noncaring and indifferent. Which is bad, I hate feeling this way. Because it's more on the miserable side of indifferent.
I'm on holiday right now, which is cool. But I'm away for a month, and although I'm into my last week, it's starting to get a bit...I dont know. My brains all messed up and I can't find the right words.
I like it here, and it's great fun, and I'm really grateful to my aunt for having me stay with her and to my parents for paying for me to come away. But, and I know this is the sillyest thing in the world, I miss my boyfriend. I just, I wanted him so badly, and then we finally got together and then I went away for 4 weeks. But then, I don't want to tell him that I miss him and that I feel kinda sad without him, because then he'll feel bad and feel like it's his fault I'm not enjoying myself. And I feel really really guilty, because I know my parents don't really have all that much money to be sending me to Canada for 4 weeks, and becuase I'm away they can't afford to go on holiday themselves, and I feel I should be having so much fun.
And then this all goes round and round and round in my head for hours, until my head hurts.
I know there's not really anything anyone can say to help, or to fix this. Just some reassurance woud be fine.
And now, now I just want to curl up in bed and cry. Why? I don't know. It just seems like a good thing to do.
I mean, I do have fun, during the day it's great fun, out shopping or wherever. But then, at nights, it's...not so fun (and I feel so so bad admitting I think that). Because I'm not busy, and I miss my boy and I just want the time to move faster so that it'll be the next day and I'm one day closer to going home. And then I'll go home and everyone will want to know if I had a good time and I'll say yes of course when really I'm thinking I spent a lot of time wanting to go home :(.
And I think I'm getting to the stage where this is something really important and that is a huge big deal. When I know really it's not. But it bothers me.
I just want to scream.
And the boyfriend, I keep like reminding him not to forget about me and stuff. But I know he wouldnt. It's more I was afraid I might forget him. Because I do that sometimes. When I dont see someone for a while, I forget they ever really existed and they become make believe. Because then it doesn't hurt and I can't miss them, because how can you miss someone who never existed? Gah, I'm even confusing myself now.
And sometimes I start to doubt myself. What if I don't really wanna be with him? Except I know I do. And what if it's weird when I get home? What if it's not the same as before? How it could really change, I don't know, we've been best friends for over a year now. But...I don't know. I just get scared that maybe I dont love him as much as I think I do...but then...I dont know. I do love him. And if I miss him this much, then I must be getting myself all worked up over nothing. And then a few minutes later I miss him again, so so so much, and I thinkn I never wanna be away from him again.
Sorry about this ^^. I'll stop now.
Anything anyone could say would be appreciated. If you can make sense of this.
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