Triggering (Suicide) - Think I'm evil

alienshe_cheesycake · 18-02-2009, 10:17 PM

One of the voices (the girl) tells me to Stab people
She tells me that I have to destroy the people accessing my thoughts or she will possess me and force me to kill everyone.

I think I must be evil to want to kill anybody

I thought at first that it isn't me, it's her

But she must come from me right?

She is me?

Think I'm evil, It scares me to think that before I was sectioned at New Years I could have killed someone.

I don't think I can let that happen again
Thinking about suicide.

I'm not depressed.
Just think I must be evil to have her (me?) telling me(us?) to kill
Don't want to hurt anyone.
And thinking that if I am evil then I should kill myself to stop her/me/us

The Hierophant · 18-02-2009, 10:27 PM

Psychologically I can't tell you if the female voice is part of you or not, maybe it could be an idea to ask a professional about this, is it a split in the mind etc?

I don't think you're evil if it helps at all. Have you tried blocking this voice out?

Don't let this kill you, you will get through this. I really believe you will.

Sleepless123 · 18-02-2009, 10:48 PM

Hey i think that you are ill but not bad.

im just sorry your suffering so much.

Can you talk to your doctor or anyone from the mental health team about this?

i know its hard and your probably scared but its really important cos as you say you dont want this getting worse and then end up hurting someone especially with the voice getting worse.

You dont need to take the drastic action of killing yourself to stop this though.

i think i can understand a bit why maybe you would feel like this but you really dont need to do it and it would be an awful waste.

i have seen you around and you seem like a really nice person.And i hope that sometime in the future you can maybe even come to enjoy life.

This can be resolved without you having to take your own life.But you do need to be brave and reach out for more help.

Well done for posting.It was really brave.

And im sorry that things are still so bad.

Heidi Tiger · 18-02-2009, 10:57 PM

You are not evil, trust me.
A voice in your head may ultimately come from you, but it doesn't mean it's from the conscious part of your mind, which I would argue is the part that makes you who you are.
If this voice is telling you to kill I would say it is the product of your illness and therefore you should not feel guilty for that. However were you to listen to the voice and take a life then it would be a different matter. I think if you feel you are in danger of acting on these thoughts then you really need to tel your team to keep both yourself and anyone else safe.

Minotaur · 19-02-2009, 12:45 AM

You aren't evil - the voice is. She tells you to kill people but...you don't want to, meaning that you're NOT evil.

Cedrus · 19-02-2009, 02:47 AM

I don't think you are evil at all! You can't control what the voices say. It might be due to the subconcious or something but that doesn't mean you are in control of it! You don't have to listen to them. Maybe you feel angry about something? And this is the way it is coming out. I know when i was very down and in hospital I would hear a voice telling me to just give in and to go and kill myself, i figured afterwards it must have been that i was just feeling so low at the time. I know what it feels like to have people accessing your thoughts and manipulating them, it makes me very angry! maybe your anger is coming out in this way, but please remember, you don't have to hurt yourself because of the voices.

I really do hope things improve for you! Feel free to pm me any time :)

I really do hope things

Rodolphus · 19-02-2009, 02:51 AM

I think that the very fact that you've posted this, and are asking these questions proves to me that you're not evil. If that helps at all.
I don't really know what to say, except that we're all here, always, for you. <3
You need to talk to someone who can help you out better than we can, sweetheart, we can support you and we can love you, but ultimately, it's the professionals that can help you.

Hold on, darlin'.

xxx

alienshe_cheesycake · 19-02-2009, 11:58 PM

Can't speak to my CPN

Saw my pycholagist today, she thinks I don't need to see her anymore
:'-(

My support worker hinted the other day she reckons that I "like" being ill so much that I'm causing all of my own problems

So can't tell anyone about this, they will think I'm just causing trouble if they know she is back

Keep thinking theres only one way I can get out of this
Only one way I can prove I don't want her in my head anymore

Gonna try and cut her out, deep as I can stand, if that doesn't work don't know what I will do.

bleeding black · 20-02-2009, 12:14 AM

Hey, I'm ash
I'm really sorry your workers are being so unsupportive (not a word i know :P) and invalidating. How did she hint, what did she say?
Is there anything that you have to lose by telling her? ( i don't know, just asking)

Have you been diagnosed with anything or on any medication? Perhaps you need a med tune up.
Oh, can you communicate with the voices? If you speak with them do they respond?

I'm not sure whether the 'one way' you are talking about is suicide, but please don't. You deserve to be happy, to be safe and if you do that you are reiterating the fact that you don't deserve to be safe or happy, and you DO, you DO deserve to feel safe and fulfilled.

I haven't replied to many of your posts, but i have read quite a few. I believe you are a good person and definitely not evil.

I hope things ease up....

bleeding black · 20-02-2009, 12:15 AM

Oh, my battery is about to die, but as soon as i charge up when i get home i will check back in.
ash

alienshe_cheesycake · 20-02-2009, 12:56 AM

thanks ash, trying hard to believe I'm not evil atm. just scared of my own mind and what I could possibly be capable of,
felt myself spacing out before and it scared me because I'm capable of doing anything when I get like that

Support worker has made me paranoid everyone thinks I'm a hypocondriac
Was talking to her about how I hated hospital
she laughs and goes: "yeah you hated it so much you've been in 7 times, do you think your scared of being well so you tell A-M(my cpn)
your hearing things again, because it happens a lot you have to admit"

Felt like crying after she said this
Can't say anything to anyone now in they think I'm lying or something

Been diagnosed with pychosis, on AntiPychotics
Been so busy missed 3/6 doses past 3 days, don't think thats helped
Trying to remember to take them now, but always postpone taking them because they make me feel so ill, then forget to take them later :-S

Talking to my voices never helps me, they don't listen to me
Cutting or OD'ing sometimes makes them quieter or makes them go away
Everyone thinks I'm coping, can't let them know that I'm not
and after talking to support worker beggining to think people would think I'm making it up anyway, just causing trouble

only way I can prove I'm not a hypcondriac is if I don't say anything to them

ThinkingofRecovery · 20-02-2009, 01:00 AM

I know it is hard but you need to tell them. I don't know why your support worker said that but you wouldn't have been diagnosed with psychosis if you were just being a hypochondriac.

btw, I don't think being afraid of getting better is that uncommon so maybe your support worker put it out there just to see what you thought. The thought of being better scares me as I don't know how I will get there or what it will be like.

Please tell them how it really is and that you are struggling with your meds. They may be able to offer an alternative that agrees with you more and makes you feel less ill.

Take care!