Triggering (SI/Suicide) - ****ing sick to death of her.

[airwolf282]

I'm so ****ing upset and angry right now. My wife has treated me with utmost disrespect for the last time. I can't take any more. Last week I came out late from tech college which sometimes happens but my wife ran so ****ing late. I was standing there at 9.20pm in total darkness waiting in a rough area where I could have been mugged, bashed or stabbed or god knows what. She was too busy with her friends to give a damn. I got mad and said you should be there at 9.00 because if I had of come out on time, I would have been waiting for half an hour and someone could have killed me. The area was pitch black and nobody around within hundreds of metres.

Anyway this week my class went 10 mins over time and my wife was waiting at the bottom of the building's staircase like a frigging mother waiting for a child at school and then absolutely rubbished me in front of everyone saying "next time I'm not turning up til 10 past 9pm because I'm sick of waiting, why were you ****ing around?" I snapped back saying "How ****ing dare you talk to me like that, the class went over time, I can't just get up and walk out, what the **** am I supposed to do?" I started yelling at her for standing there at the bottom of the staircase like a bull at a gate. I said "right, that vehicle is half ****ing mine, I will ****ing drive myself to tech every week now and if you don't like it then stiff ****". I'm not getting myself killed so she can go out socialising, I'm ****ing sick of it. I'm ****ing sick of that selfish ****. There is so much ****ing crime in this town, she can't just expect me to wait there alone in darkness in a rough area, I could be killed for Christ sake.

After that I went off at her again. I said "you're so ****ing obnoxious and demanding, everytime I look at you I see your lazy fat lard arse piece of **** mother". The thing is I have had enough. I am over her treating me like her son. She has no right, just because she's six years older. All I want to ****ing do is go to college and get some credentials that will help me get a decent job when I'm feeling better but how can I ever feel better when she treats me like **** and rubbishes me in front of half the ****ing class? And how can I keep concentrating on my studies with all this ****ing **** going on. I'm already stressed with all the home studying I have to do and I can't cope with all this crap from her.

I want out. I am sick of being with someone who continually mistreats and disrespects me and treats me like a child. I want to go but where the **** do I go? I have nowhere and I know virtually nobody. She won't give a ****, I can be replaced easily with someone better. She will move on to greener pastures in 5 minutes. I will never move on though, I'm far too ****ed up, and there is no way in hell that anybody else would ever want me. If there was a god, even he would write me off as a lost cause. Nothing but an unemployable, worthless, ugly, head ****ed loser with arms that have more scars than a frigging shark attack victim. But what am I supposed to do, live on the ****ing street in a goddamn cardboard box? I have heaps of poisons in the shed that will easily kill me. Then I won't have to deal with any of that **** anymore. I have plenty of instruments, poisons, pills, blades, cigs, ropes and I know where they all are in case I need them. I'm getting desperate and I don't know what else to do than to go away forever. I'm really really close to the edge right now and I don't think I can hang on.

Nathan

[Sigma]

Hi Nathan

I'm sorry it's stressful right now - changes are, even when they're positive ones, and I know how much you've been looking forward to this course. It's probably stressful for her too, because now you have a focus and that will change your relationship. I do believe it can be a change for the better, although it sounds really tough right now.

Try not to let it put you off, but also try not to let it mess up your relationship, it would be a shame if the positive steps in one area of your life mean a step back elsewhere. Perhaps you can come to an agreement about future evenings. Can you build in a safety margin e.g. she comes at quarter past, and if your class finishes on time you wait inside? Or she phones when she's there?

I know it's frustrating but the course sounds great, hang in there...

Ax

[Tears of Solitude]

My thoughts are with you honey.

Please dont harm, just think of your special people xxx They would be sooo upset if anything was to happen to you. I know I would.

I hope you feel a little more settled now. This course could be your way to be more independant. Which will involve a lifestyle change xxx and thats scary.

You know where I am if you ever need me

Love Jade xxx

[UbermoronicismAgain]

Wow that sounds tough.
I'm not sure how to make you feel better about the situation. I think the most important thing is to talk calmly to your wife. Obviously, I have no idea what your relationship is like most of the time but I think getting so worked up will inevitably only impact badly on the situation andin the end, on you too.

Sometimes the things we don't want to hear are the ones we need the most. Maybe she needs to know how you feel, how she makes you feel?
But discussed in a calm manner and at a time when you're not already angry with her.
I understand that it can be tough to talk to some people, especially if they're naturally not very reasonable. But maybe she has some things she needs to say to you too and if that is the case then it needs to be at a time when you're both in a better mood.

I hope you can sort this out, and like Jade said don't hurt yourself because of it, try and deal with it instead.

Look after yourself,
Iz x

[~*forever_broken*~]

Wow. Nathan, I don't know what to say sweetie. *massive hugs* Will message you on facebook (don't want to get all religious on you in here... no worries, no bible beating though).

Please take care hun. *snuggles*