|
didn't know wherer else to put this- i'm afraid
i'm so exhausted. I haven't slept a wink all night. at 10:30 I will have been awake for 24 hours.I tossed and turned for over three hours before I gave up. you just know what your not going to sleep. my body was tired and yet restless and my mind just wouldn't stop ticking over, thinking it's random thoughts and not even slowing down. at 3:30 I decided to get up and have passed the time by playing some games on my wii and watched a couple of shows recorded on my digital box.
none of this is the problem. i've had sleepless nights before and i know i'll just sleep all the better sooner or later. but there was one part of this night that has left me quite terrified.
between 2 and 4 am I was SO tempted to cut. so many dark thoughts were crashing through my head, so many old regrets rose out of the back of my mind. i picked up my knife and brushed off the dust that it's been collecting since november. i kept it under my pillow for a while, feeling that old familiar need, that want, to use it. when i got out of bed i took it with me. it's still here by my side.
the need is gone. but the memory remains. the fear is still present. I haven't felt this way in so long and now out of the blue it just flared up and dove down on me. crashing down so hard.
it was too frightening.
|
