Triggering (SI) - I can't take this anymore... I can't

BoundNoMore · 09-02-2009, 03:36 AM

Life is just... getting to me right now.
I am so... depressed, angry, lonely, etc. I am a ball of ****in' emotions. Every gosh darn negative emotion you can think of... I am experiencing it.
And the really stupid thing is, I have no real reason to feel all this negative ****. I mean, we had to give my dog, Sugar, away today, because my father-in-law keeps having hissy fits about having two dogs in the house and all the dog hair and ****. But we gave her to a friend of the family, so it's not like I will never see her again.

My head is such a mess right now. All I can think about is how much I want to self harm. I don't know if I want to cry or scream.
My teeth are grinding involuntarily,
tears are all built up in my eyes, but they won't flow, my heart feels kinda... fluttery.

I have a migraine right now. I am sick of these. I get them almost every ****in' day. The doctors don't know why.
And the medicine they put me on is not working.
I have a follow-up appointment, but it's not until the 20th!!! And something keeps tellimg me "You need to cancel that appointment.
You have no insurance and you can't afford to pay them."

Like two months ago I went to the emergency room with really really ****ing bad stomach pains, and they gave me pain meds and sent me to a gynecologist. He thought I might have an infection in my uterus, so he gave me antibiotics. Well I am still in a world of pain.

It's like there is nothing to do to get away from the pain (both physical and emotional).

airwolf282 · 09-02-2009, 04:12 AM

*hugs Amanda hun*

Is it possible that these migraines and stomach pains could be caused by how you are feeling emotionally. I know stress can cause these problems. I really feel for you because I suffer from chronic headaches too. Is there any chance you can just visit a GP and get their opinion. Are you taking any medications for how you are feeling? Maybe you need to or if you are already then maybe they need changing or adjusting. Remember to be strong and firm with the doctors. If you still have those stomach pains then let them know that their treatment didn't work and something needs to be done because that's what they get paid to do.

Is there any way you can access counselling for all those bad feelings? It seems like you are quite distressed about losing your dog and a bit stressed about living with in-laws, which is one of the biggest stressors around. There is no way in hell I could survive living under somebody else's roof, so you are coping better than I would. You mention something about being an army wife. Isn't it possible for you to live in army housing? Having your own place and own space will work wonders for reducing your depression and increasing self esteem. I don't know how the system works where you are but over here if you are on a low income or not working then you are entitled to public mental health care which is free. There is a bit of a waiting list but it's far better than nothing at all.

Try to take a break and relax for a while, hopefully that will help too. If you know anyone that does massages and if it isn't too expensive then give that a try too, it really does help especially with the headaches. Try taking a nice relaxing warm bath with Radox, I find that calms tired muscles and doesn't cost very much either. The headaches might respond better to Aspirin/Codeine tablets or Nurofen Plus. Mersyndol is also a really good painkiller for stress related headaches and migraines. You might want to discuss with your doctor that the migraine meds aren't working. Hopefully they can give you something that will work better. I'm on one called Sandomigran and I have to take three of them at night.

You can also send me a PM anytime if you want to talk, vent or just want a listening ear.
I hope this is of some help to you. Please keep us posted on how you are doing hun......

Nathan xo

BoundNoMore · 10-02-2009, 02:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Archangel

Are you taking any medications for how you are feeling?

If you mean like depression medicine... no I'm not.
As far as the physical pain, I am just taking a **** load of over-the-counter stuff
(none of which really works... it may give me relief for like a hour and then I have to take more)

Quote:

Is there any way you can access counselling for all those bad feelings?

Not that I am aware of.

Quote:

You mention something about being an army wife. Isn't it possible for you to live in army housing?

no, because my husband is in the Reserves. If he was active duty then, yes, we would live on a base, but since he's not...

Quote:

You can also send me a PM anytime if you want to talk, vent or just want a listening ear.

Thank you so much

Quote:

I hope this is of some help to you. Please keep us posted on how you are doing hun......

it has and I will.

airwolf282 · 10-02-2009, 03:09 AM

Oh crap, I wish I could have been more helpful

Things may seem hopeless to you but there is still plenty of things you can do and still plenty of hope.

Maybe you should talk to your doc about getting some meds for the depression and pain relief.

If you're feeling unsafe you can always call one of those crisis lines. They are usually a free call and are quite helpful. What about support groups? Are there any in your area? Maybe asking a doctor, social worker, church minister or forum moderator or doing an internet search will help you find a group near you. There should be plenty around. Just to get out and meet other people that understand what you are going through and to know that you're not alone definately helps. You can also go to yor local library and borrow a heap of self help books which won't cost you a cent and they are really helpful too. You will find self help books in a secondhand book store and they are usually reasonably priced too. They are great just to have there if you need to refer to them later on.

With the stress I find that Valerian tablets help and so does Camomile tea. It has a nice taste to it and is very calming and soothing and has no caffeine. The Valerian and the tea reduce stress which in turn should reduce the frequency and severity of the headaches. I'm not sure if you have it where you live but there is a painkiller called Aspalgin which is an aspirin-codeine combination available at chemists and it gets rid of migraines quickly too. I find it helps when you take the tablets at the first sign of a migraine before the pain starts, it usually avoids the migraine altogether this way. I learnt this stratergy from my aunt who has been getting migraines for most of her life. Nurofen also make a product called Nurofen Migraine. I haven't tried it but it is available at supermarkets here.

That sucks about the housing situation. Can you apply to get into public housing? They usually have a waiting list based on need and if you tell them you have only got temporary accomodation with the in-laws and that they are making you move out they should be able to help you. Tell me if I'm way off the mark with the in-laws stressing you.

Is this of any help to you? I hope it's more useful than the last advise I gave you.

Take care and let us know how you're doing ok?

Love Nathan xo

BoundNoMore · 11-02-2009, 11:11 PM

Today I am just so ****in pissed off... and I don't even really know why.
I mean, my husband is leaving tomorrow to go to a 4-day long CLS (combat life-saving) class for the Army,
and we were thinking that I could go with him and just stay in the room at night. We assumed he was gonna be in a hotel room.
But no, we found today that he is gonna be in ****in barracks!!!

Part of me realizes that I can't go with him everywhere he goes, ad that I shouldn't be getting so damn upset because he is coming back...
it's not like he is going back to ****in Iraq and gonna be gone for 18 months, but th other part of me says, "You have a right to be pissed."
Because this will make the 2nd Valentine's Day in a row (and both since we have been married) that we will separated! IT'S NOT ****IN' FAIR!!!!

Arrrgh!!! I so not cut out to be an Army wife. I mean, if I get this messed up over a 4-day separation. I don't even wanna think about what I will be like if he gets deployed again. I am will end up in a ****in' psych ward.

airwolf282 · 13-02-2009, 02:02 AM

*offers hugs*

Amanda hun, I know that it can be frustrating being an army wife and having your husband away for special occasions. Please don't blame or take it out on him though. I am sure that he does not want to go away. The only advise I can offer is that you celebrate on another day. It will be a good idea to do this. The stores won't be full of people shopping for gifts. Flowers won't have their prices inflated ten fold and every restaraunt won't be jam packed with couples having dinner together. I do have some idea of what you're going through. My father was in the army for 20 years and missed both mine and my sister's births and countless other special occasions. And in those days they didn't have live face to face communications, mobile telephones or internet. I know it sucks but at the end of the day you still have each other. If he is in the Reserves part time then it's unlikely that he will be sent to Iraq for 18 months. He may have to go away some times for a few weeks or a month. Remember too that someone has to protect your country and he is doing a very important job, it's not like he's at the football, playing golf or drinking with his buddies on Valentines Day. I think what you're doing is healthy, it's natural to be angry in this situation and it always helps to vent. Please know that I'm thinking of you hun and please try think about him coming home rather than being away.

*hugs*

Nathan xo

BoundNoMore · 13-02-2009, 03:39 AM

Thanks Nathan.
My husband has already been deployed once. Thankfully he was only over there for like 9-10 months.
But I am feeling a little happier now, because he texted me and told me that he will be home on Sunday (instead of like Monday or Tuesday).
I guess they said 4 days because today and Sunday (2 days) were considered travel days.

~Grace~ · 13-02-2009, 01:53 PM

Hi... Im glad he is coming home earlier than you thought.
Could you celebrate valentines day a little late,
Make a day your special day and still have all the romance,
a nice meal etc.....just a thought.

Thinking of you xx

BoundNoMore · 13-02-2009, 10:24 PM

I am so ****in triggered right now and I have no idea why.
I don't know if I want to cry or scream.
My teeth are grinding... tears are built up in my eyes so much
so that my vision is blurry as hell, but the tears won't flow.
My mind is racing with bad... scary thoughts.
The voices are telling me to do all kinds of bad things.
I really don't feel safe at all right now.
I really don't want to do "bad" stuff, but I need relief...
and to make the voices stop!!!!
My heart feels like it is fluttering. Almost like I am about to have a panic attack.

airwolf282 · 14-02-2009, 02:53 AM

*offers gentle hugs*

I'm so sorry that you're feeling so bad right now. PM me anytime if you want to talk about it ok? Please keep safe.

Nathan xo