Seriously. I'm not really feeling all that bad. I'm not really feeling much of anything. But I am not incapabul of feeling things, it's not as hard as it usually is... I don't think. I feel good when I watch a video of my niece or remember her little two and a half year old voice over the phone say 'Hi Auntie!!'... though at this moment it is more a feeling of meloncholy.
Anyway (wish this face didn't have a smile as when I want to use it I am exasperated with myself)...
I want to bleed. I have been cutting, not so I feel the pain, the rush of adrenalin (though I am not indifferent to that), but to bleed. Last night I cut so I bled so much I became sick to my stomach and a bit woozy. I can't tell you how much blood I lost (and I won't describe it as it is rather gross and this post is triggering enough) but it was enough to do that (the afore mentioned stuff)... and I've got NO energy today (not uncommon but I could probably sleep all day which is not something I do unless I'm deep in a major depressive episode).
What in the world is wrong with me? This isn't normal (OK, OK, I already know that but...)... it's not 'normal' SI is it?
*sigh* Never mind. I think I just wanted to write this all down though what good it has done me I do not know. If you've read this far, thanks so much.
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
I've read and i understand. I often cut just because i feel the need to bleed. I don't know why but its something about the blood. Sometimes i can't sleep until i have done it.
I hope you are getting help if you need it with the cuts
Take care x
"Because you don't notice the light without a bit of shadow. Everything has both dark and light. You have to play with it until you get it exactly right."
Alright, you know that cut I told y'all about (the one I wasn't going to describe 'cause it was too gross?)? Well I played at it again last night, got the bleeding stopped... went to church this morning early for sound check (not early for me as I play bass every Sunday but there weren't a lot of people there)... sat down (cross legged) to tune my bass and the spot where the cut was hurt. I didn't think anything of it till my foot started to feel wet and a little cold... and I looked down to see a growing spot of blood under my stool where I was resting my foot. I tried, after sound check, to get the spot up but could not manage to get it all... Worst of all, I think that the sound guy and the guy that works the projection did noticed (they've got a good view of the stage as the 'tech area' is in the balcony) . The sound guy also happens to be my deacon (apparently the deacons in our church are assigned familys *shrug*).
I'm so embarassed and ashamed... And since I do not actually KNOW whether or not they saw now I will just end up worrying about it.
Never mind...
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
Thanks y'all, really, I greatly appreciate you guys and love you so much.
Have managed to leave the cut alone for the... well, all day yesterday at least and so far so good today. *sigh* It just bleeds so well, when that is what I want (the blood)... *shrug*
Thanks again all.
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
I'm so sorry you're struggling with this right now. Like you, I have a hard time keeping cuts closed when they bleed well. Even though it's hard, try not to open it back up again- it seems like you're doing well with that at the moment, so keep up the good work :)
Who can attest that when they're at their best
Oh their worst is still crouching close behind
It's coming to peace with the darkness in me
That allows the true light to shine inside "Ups and Downs" ~ Kendall Payne
(wish this face didn't have a smile as when I want to use it I am exasperated with myself)...
