Been a while

[spiders*web]

Hi

I don't know anyone on this site anymore. I thought i was better. I last came on when I was an under-grad, completely messed up.

Now I'm on my way to getting a PhD. Everyone around me is so proud that I've got this far. But for me, I can't tell anyone. It's so much further to fall. I've done things to hurt myself but I have to carry on as if everything is normal. What I want more than anything is to call home and say that everything isn't alright. That everything that people thought had passed hasn't. But I'm doing so well, apparently. My dad has spent so much on this course. I'm with so many intelligent people who expect more of me. I can't go to my supervisor and say, sorry, I couldn't be at that masterclass, I took an overdose. I can't call in sick to work because I won't be able to pay rent. I feel as if there is nowhere to go. Everywhere leads to failure and I'm just so angry at myself for letting myself get this far.

My choices are: carrying on as normal

or going home, admitting that I've failed, that I've wasted all this money, that I've let everyone down.

So I think I'm gradually hurting myself more and more so I won't have to deal with either of these decisions. Really I'm learning more and more it doesn't matter if you're 14 or 24, it's the same mistakes each time.

Rationality says; people who love me will want me to be ok, over and above all. But the ideal of being ok will be to carry on doing a PhD and succeeding. I've been the source of worry for so many years, this was supposed to be my turning point. How do I tell people who want more than anything for me to be ok and to succeed that I can't do this? How do I let them down?

Any advice will be much wanted and appreciated.

[wildly insane]

*hugs* PhDs are tough, very tough, and everybody I know has struggled with wanting to give up at some point so you are not alone. Is there not any middle ground? Can you go and talk to someone, seek help? and then explain to your supervisor that you're struggling. I understand that this would be an exceedingly hard thing to do, but maybe if you could seek help, then there is a way you could cope with what you are feeling and your PhD. Tokoloshe is right, do you enjoy the subject you are working on, even if difficult and monotonous at times? If you do then it is worth fighting for, if not then you should seriously think about why you are doing a PhD because if it is only for other people then it is not worth the heartache. You have achieved so much just getting to this stage, very few people even start a PhD so you should never think of yourself as a failure and please try not to be angry at yourself as it just makes things worse. You can also take time off. I know someone who didn't have enough money and so stopped for a few years and then went back to it, also in some situations you can go part time. It probably depends on what subject you are studying. There is hope there hun, don't give up yet, hugs, Hannah

[Sigma]

Quote:

Originally Posted by spiders*web

people who love me will want me to be ok, over and above all.

This is true, even if it is difficult to see right now. Something to hang onto - you are way, way more than your qualifications. If you enjoy your studies and get a sense of acheivement from them that's great, if not, don't let them be a burden. (and you have got so far, despite the difficulties, that is a huge acheivement)

Is taking a break another option?

Is there somewhere neutral you can go for support & to talk things through? A student counselling service, or your doctor?

[Geranium]

I agree with the posts above - your third option is look for a way to take some time out. This one seems the best to me as it doesn't mean giving it all up - it only feels like that because you are in a bad place now.

Trying to carry on as normal isn't going to get you anywhere - as you've already implied.

Hang on to what you wrote here as its true....
Rationality says; people who love me will want me to be Ok, over and above all.

Re: Your supervisor - it would be a good idea to make them aware that you are struggling. But no need to go into details. e.g." I have got so stressed I can't function properly lately. I've had to take time out. I'm going to see my GP about it all..." Even if you just send them an email.

Remember you are not a failure for having a relapse.
Good luck.

[blondiebear]

I did not go as far with my education as you have. When I was starting the research for my master's thesis, i got sober. Somehow I just seemed to have missed doing some paperwork and missed a semester. The chairwoman of my thesis committee knew what was going on and advised me how to reinroll after missing time for health reasons.

I said that to show that i speak from experience that it is ok for you to take care of your mental health. Take the break, give yourself some time to examine and evaluate what is going on.

Give yourself permission to take care of yourself.