Triggering (SI/Abuse) - What a state...

[nightcat]

For about a year I've been getting into what a close friend calls a 'state'.

To explain what a state is, basically, one minute I'm fine, I can be happy and talkative and then apparently I go really quiet and start muttering under my breath. After that apparently I start walking and any one who gets in my way usually gets hurt.
I'm a pacifist, it goes against my beliefes to inflict pain on others, but when I'm in this state apparently I'll do anything to any one. I've beaten my self up quite badly before, and when my friend tried to stop me apparently I started to hurt her as well. I cried for hours and hours when I saw what I had done to her without even knowing I was doing it.
I hate hearing what I've done afterwards, I hate knowing that it's my fault my dearest got hurt, I hate knowing I have no control over it whatsoever.
I don't know what starts it off, if I did maybe I'd be able to stop it happening. I wish I knew what was going on, why I'm angry, agressive, hurtful, abusive for over an hour at a time, with absolutly no control over it. Also what it quiet worrying is the more frequent these, attacks are, the less viscious they are.

I haven't been in one of those states for a month and a half, which is a long time, usually I'd have three or four a month, but they wouldn't be as bad. The last time I had a long period of time between these states was between august and late september, where in the end I was being restrained by two other friends and I was still managing to hurt every one some how. I've heard that when that happened it really wasn't me, my voice changed, even the way I walked changed. I don't want that to happen again, But I don't think it's over, I think it could come back and be worse.

Thing is, I know I should tell my therapist, and I will, but I'm scared of what will happen. I've only been violent towards some one once because of it, well that I know of, I've been told usually I just push people who don't move when I'm trying to walk. If I don't get some kind of help for it, it could get worse and worse, but like I said, I'm so scared about what could happen if my therapist knew, or even worse, my parents. Because it's never usually that violent towards others, usually myself, and I've been told I mostly say horrible things that I wouldn't normally say, but I am worried about what could happen if I let it get bad.

I don't know if any one could help me at all, maybe tell me what is going on with me and if so, possibly anything I could do to help what's going on and stuff...

[x_Electrify]

I think you should definitely tell her - only she can really help. Your parents don't have to find out (if you're over 16, even then it's probably negotiable unless it's life or death) and you don't want this getting any worse. I'm sure there's something that can be done, but nothing will happen unless you tell the people who can do something. I'm sorry stuff has got worse for you, but you know how to make things better now. Good luck.x

[one lie at a time]

You should tell your therapist. Your therapist may be able to help you deal with it, learn to control it, and explain what's going on to you better. The only way to stop it is to get help. Don't be afraid. I know that it'll be hard to tell, and that you may not want to, and trying not to be afraid seems difficult too, but you can do it and it'll be worth it in the end. What if it gets worse? If you can't say it outloud, write a letter. Explain it carefully and how you want it to be heard, and give your therapist the letter. Whatever you decide, good luck. xxxxx

[sherlock holmes]

You need to tell your therapist for starters, and speak to a psychiatrist about it.

[TheHeroYouHate]

I would just like to say that I have experienced something pretty similar to this, although not exactly the same so I can relate to how you're feeling.
The thing that happens to me is to do with dissociation i think - i get the talking in a different voice, walking oddly and pushing people out of the way.
It's definitely something you should talk about with your therapist, and hopefully you'll be able to work out what triggers it and learn to prevent it in the future :)

[dark_light]

I think you should definately speak to your therapist so that you can get some help and support with this. You shouldn't have to deal with this on your own. They will be able to help you figure out whats going on, whats triggering the episodes etc.
Good luck x