Triggering (SI) - Losing control

[LowKey]

Hello. This is strange. I don’t know if I’m at the right place on here. Sorry if I say too much or too little. I never expected I’d find myself joining a site like this.

I burned myself a week and a half ago for the first time. I hit myself sometimes when I couldn't handle things in the past. This was different.

I was feeling low and useless after a recent break up. I couldn’t sleep, I wasn’t eating, all I could do was think about her and question myself. I did something utterly stupid. I should be old enough to know better, it’s just a break up, friends have offered me emotional support through this and I know too much about SI to ever do it. But somehow I’ve done it.

Since then it’s got worse. It's been more frequent. It’s easier. Perhaps not doing it is harder. Last Friday I did it badly in the toilets at work and I totally freaked out that whoever used them next would smell it. Despite that it was such a relief. It cleared my mind of all the stuff going through it better than anything. But it’s so fleeting.

I know how dangerous this is. I’m not naïve about it. An ex of mine cut. I saw how it impacted on her. Somehow I’ve started. How could I be so stupid?

I ended up at a walk in centre on Saturday. I felt embarrassed like I was wasting their time but I was worried I’d not dressed any of them. The nurse was OK. She talked to me a bit, told me to get help from friends and family. I have no idea if the dressings are right though.

I don’t know if I’m supposed to get into that stuff here either. I looked in the wound care guide but I couldn't get a clear conclusion. I’m a bit worried about it because the ones she dressed seem to have got worse since. It's just an adhesive plasticy thing directly on them. The biggest burn oozed loads of fluid and the dressing was coming loose and getting bloated.

I took it off to replace it and a big section of skin came away with it. I have a thumb sized open wound there. I put more of the dressing directly on it, like she did, but is that right? That's coming away a bit too now and there's more sticky gunk stuff. Is this just a normal part of the healing process?

Also, despite all this, last night I did it again. It’s on my mind a lot. I feel OK now. I know how rapidly my mood has been changing recently though.

In short, this all feels pretty messed up.

Sorry, that's quite long. If you made it through and can offer me any advice, thank you.

[Tears of Solitude]

I think you should get your wound looked at, it sounds infected. You might need it dressed and anti botics.

Self harming is only a short fix. Underneath it all you really have to look into why you are doing it. Which takes a lot of soul searching.

Im glad you walked into a day centre. Posting here is another positive step, so be proud of yourself.

Try and confide is someone you trust. xxx Keep posting and talking, it all helps.

Jade xxx

[wildly insane]

Go to a doctor and get it seen to if it's infected, the nurses are great but limited. Do you have a friend you can talk to? maybe if not about the SH but about how you are feeling some way of getting the feelings off your chest? Like Jade said keep posting and we'll give you all the support we can, hugs Hannah

[ravynsoul]

*offers hugs* well done on reaching out.. being able to talk about it is definitely helpful. I agree with Hannah and Jade; you should probably get your wounds checked out. Keep posting here as much as you need.

[LowKey]

Thanks all.

I've done OK tonight. Tried to focus on keeping my head level one hour at a time. I ate some food and did some art. That took my mind off things. I'm going to read then try and get some sleep soon, but that's usually when my mind starts wandering. Hoping I'll be OK.

I have talked to some people about what's going on but not about the SH. There's a few friends who I've been able to tell just about anything to, but not this. That makes me feel pretty crap. I feel like so much of my time with them is me moaning. They keep telling me it's OK and have said lots of positive stuff about me. A lot of the time I struggle to believe it though. I wish I could find it in me to be my normal self. Not that that's so normal.

Infection sounds instantly scary. I'll see how it is tomorrow. I have to work so getting to the doctor is going to be tricky.

Thanks again though folks.