Triggering (SI/Suicide) - Today (multi triggers) *updated*

Becca · 02-02-2009, 08:23 PM

saw psychiatrist today. I told. I told what the people I see and feel do to me. About being afraid of losing my hold of it and killing someone, not myself. Basically aside from support once a month I'm on my own. I'm to see a psychotherapist but not for psychotherapy, for advice. The once a month support is 'very short term' because basically they think it's becoming detrimental for me to talk about what is happening to me.

They had my notes. The police report from when I said I wanted to hurt people was there. So was my complaint. They have researched Ariel and there was pages in there about her too. She was with me laughing and chatting. But it was okay. Nothing bad happened until I got home.

They know I'm reliant on the person who attacked me. Apparently they are 'well aware' of what I go through and know it is very very hard for me.

there is no point seeking help anymore.

I might stitches but couldn't go into A&E (I'm going to PM a first aider about that) I sat outside in the snow crying until a dr I know came to talk to me and I lied and pretended to seek help. Ariel keeps saying it is inevitable I will let my guard down and kill and I'm scared. All they said about that was I'd go to prison.

The bit about not wanting me still as a patient in several years time is a joke. If, and it's a huge if, I am still alive I won't be bothering them anyway. I'll either be in prison somewhere or with the person who attacked me.

I have a new cpn but he has joined 'Them'.

I don't even know what I expected.

I feel so utterly alone in this

Becca · 02-02-2009, 09:48 PM

It's not my day today. Have just caused a massive fight on another forum

Tears of Solitude · 02-02-2009, 10:47 PM

I just wanted to say that I have read your post and wanted to offer my support xxx

I really feel that you shouldnt be on your own at the moment, can you call a crisis line or invite someone over ?

Becca · 02-02-2009, 11:08 PM

Thank-you. It means a lot. I went to A&E to try and see someone but it was after 9.30 so they wouldn't let me go in. I'm seeing a nurse tommorow morning about SI anyway.

I don't have anyone I can ask

The only person who has anything to do with me is going through hell herself right now and the last thing I want is to worsen things for her.

Rain Keeper · 02-02-2009, 11:24 PM

I want something to do with you. I have kept up with you from afar, read a lot of your threads, relate in many ways. I am not out to get you, but out on the limb for your grasping. I will hold your cyber hand, let you cry with me, or if you must, i have a very tollerable left arm for your punching pleasure.

I am worried for you. I am worried about you. find someone open and get that wound taken care of.

I really do understand some of your thoughts. It doesnt have to be that way though.
To let you know...it is 4:22 PM my time. I go to my second job at 5:30- 10:30. If you need to write someone, write me...if you want a response tonight, write me...if you want my number to call me I will give it to you, but i dont know where you live (I am in the states).

Please take care my love,
Rain

Tears of Solitude · 02-02-2009, 11:33 PM

Please go and get your wound looked at honey xxx

Im sorry that your go to person isnt feeling very happy either.

Please keep posting and let us support you xxx

Jade xxx

Becca · 03-02-2009, 08:15 PM

Thank-you for reaching out to me.

It's been another 'one of those days' today. Again.

I rang the samaritans having walked around town because the urge to hurt overwhelmed me. Scarily overwhelmed me. Ariel shrieking at me to kill and kill now. When I rang the person kept going on about phoning the police. How if I told and asked for help ti would be given. When I said it didn't work like that - it's a lie, a myth that a person can be helped in that situation he didn't believe me. When I said about being refused hospitalisation because of being so unsafe to be around he wanted to know why it was okay for patients to be safe but not other people (e.g. him). We chatted for quite a long time. It wasn't too bad. I ended up leaving when he got insistent about police and began telling me to kill myself (that might have been Ariel though I can't always tell anymore).

I had two hours sleep.

I went to see the nurse having worsened my wound and she freaked out about stuff too. The location. What was happening to me. Booked me in to see a dr there and then because it was the third appointment in 8 days I had. The dressing is impossible for me to remove

.

I went to a church and upset people there.

I trail misery around like it's a dog on a lead.

I txted my friend this morning telling her to stay away because of me being so bad and being afraid I would trigger/upset her and she too was awake and said not to worry which like the messages here led me to

for ages.

I sent an email to my old cpn and regret doing so. I shouldn't use computers when like this. Emailing, PMing people. It's so unfair. I just can't take it and end up taking it out on them and it isn't fair. I basically said congratulations on being free of rubbish and having time for proper people again and who I had been dumped on.

Stellata · 03-02-2009, 08:24 PM

((((Becca))))

I still care.

Tears of Solitude · 03-02-2009, 09:15 PM

Honey, Your just crying out for help.

Im so pleased you got your wound looked at, you should feel proud of yourself.

Keep talking and posting. Phoning the smaritians was a great idea, thats what they are there for. Did they have any advice you could use.

WE all do care and want to support you through this
Jade xxx

Becca · 03-02-2009, 09:54 PM

I should. I don't though. The Samaritan man was really quite disturbed by what I told him. I think because I was too honest about what I was going through. He suggested telling a psychiatrist (done that) and how I needed to be kept safe - which when on your own is impossible really (seeing as I am refused any kind of admission because of being considered too dangerous). He was really really concerned people like me are free and wandering around the streets carrying weapons. I've never used it apart from on 'Them' but I get urges to harm others as well.

And me.

It's not always easy for me to come here so it can be hard to update.

I don't know my mind is all over the place.

Thank-you both for caring!!! It means more than you know.

realflifefaerie · 03-02-2009, 10:05 PM

I don't know what to say however I'm thinking of you and around if you want to talk.

Becca · 03-02-2009, 10:29 PM

Thank-you for the kind offer. I don't really know what to say is the thing right now. I mean I want to reach out and talk but I don't know what to say and the reactions I've had over the past 24 hours have really unsettled me.

A bit of good news, the fight I accidentally started has been resolved so

Rain Keeper · 05-02-2009, 07:16 PM

wanted to let you know i am thinking of you.

Becca · 05-02-2009, 09:58 PM

I'm seeing a nurse and gp tommorow. I went to see a friend in hospital this evening and I didn't stay long. I couldn't. Things were becoming a problem. I don't think she minded.

I spoke to a friend about Monday/Tuesday and a stranger today. I seem to tell loads of people about the basics but how can I say to someone I am sat here fingering a weapon as I talk to you because I know Ariel is whispering to you and I've generally been feeling disgusted with the human race. Something I totally don't feel a part of anymore. I just feel like a worthless blob.

The gp won't do anything, probably go on at me again about getting loans to work and how I must stop my benefits because some stupid idiot dr who met me for 10 minutes has decided I'm 'fine really'.

The lady today said 'where does it stop?' I guess the answer to that is when I hurt someone and go to prison. I try and try but it is becoming hard to keep a grip on it. And why do I bother anyway. I mean if all that happens is I get told it doesn't matter at all.

I rang the samaritans again last night and said about things getting out of control - both my SI which is really bad and thoughts of hurting others, not just Them but generally others too and she was freaked out and started talking about police and turning myself in and making people help me but how do you make someone help you? Grr.

Tears of Solitude · 05-02-2009, 10:22 PM

Really pleased that you are seeing a nurse and a GP tomorrow. I really wish you luck with that.

You should be proud of yourself because you are fighting so much. Your doing everything you can to try and not harm anyone else. I really hope you keep managing to do it. xxx

Phoning the Samaritians was a good idea xxx Hopefully you will be able to tell your doctor tomorrow how you are feeling, I hope they will be able to do something for you xxx

Jade xxx

Becca · 08-02-2009, 05:18 PM

I went but there is nothing they can do. I am on my own.

The GP had a go at me for carrying what I do to stop Them from hurting me and the problems I am having with wanting to hurt other people. Resisting is so hard

If I don't then I am subject to flashbacks/panic attacks as well as Them

I spent yesterday in continual panic mode Ariel is being a right * right now on top.

So to go out today meant taking it again. I can still hear them whispering/threatening me though

I will definitely go to prison if anything happens or someone finds out I have it. Someone saw when I went shopping before cos I dropped it. I'm hoping they won't tell anyone.

Tig · 08-02-2009, 05:29 PM

*Cuddles*

I don't know what to say just wanted to say I have read and care. xx

Becca · 08-02-2009, 08:35 PM

I'm just going to waffle for a bit. I have a nurse appointment tommorow about stitches done on friday but they are er no longer there. I can't stop. my appointment tommorow is before my cpn appointment so I won't be able to si at all and that means being unstable when I go

the last time I went unstable I was sent home for 'wasting the session'. I only have a couple left now and don't want that to happen.

But I can't 'get a grip' on this at all. Kepps slipping away from me. I need the blankness I get from SI.

I can't be like this forever I can't it's alright to say it's doable when it isn't happening to you I thought I could but I can't i thought help was available was there but it wasnt they lied to me so now there is no other way out

i dont even know why i am posting this just feel

i guess.

Clover · 08-02-2009, 09:13 PM

what this 1131 thing

Becca · 08-02-2009, 09:23 PM

Happens when I'm stressed and upset. I can't see them otherwise I would delete them. No-one understands it. Sorry. :( Will delete when able.