thanks for your thoughts.
I guess living through two decades of crap will eventually get you down. Time was I could be clever and witty about my problems. Now I’m just dull and stupid. The lure of being the constant outsider fades into the reality of alienating yourself from everyone and everything. Hiding your problems for so long means that most people you know hardly know you at all.
I don't know - lately i'm feeling like it was a stupid thing to go cold turkey with the meds- after all there was obviously a reason that i was on such high doses of things. have been avoiding the psychiatrist for 2 months now... the only two months i've ever been able to avoid self injury; but somehow it feels as though maybe the lack of meds is self injury in itself- maybe thats how i'm doing it
I’ve given up smoking for seven weeks now and bar one day of them, I’ve not consumed any nicotine at all. I’ve noticed the occasional random urge to smoke, but nothing very strong. And yet, I don’t feel at all proud of having given up. It’s not as if it was difficult- smoking for me has only ever been another form of self injury. And it seems like another step backwards. I liked smoking as part of a don’t-give-a-**** attitude, which was childish, but all I really had in that light . And yeah, I’m happy that my flat doesn’t smell of cigarettes now and it’s not as if I can afford to smoke either, but giving up smoking, as well as having gained these positive things, also means having given up on a part of me that I valued, even as it was meaning less and less.
I can’t tell if that makes much sense. I feel so stupid these days.
same with the 2 months. it should have seemed like a huge achievement. people congratulated me, telling me its a great amazing thing.
Amazing that out of the last 216 months, 2 of them have been 'free'....
ironically i feel more trapped this way.
depriving myself of the only coping mechanism i have. and of medication. and with it nicotine, caffeine...junk food ( i comfort eat traditionally); thinking about it, although it all seems positive on face value, i wonder often if it is all just another way to push myself under.
i know for sure that i shouldn't be without some of my meds right now. at the same time, the thought of starting them again petrifies me
im generally feeling very pathetic at the moment, but i'm silently slipping. i'm putting up a huge front, which even i believe some of the time- but at night, when all is quiet...the truth is there.
then again...quiet it would be. Being suicidal is generally a quiet thing. Sure, some people get suicidal in loud and public ways, but generally, feeling like you want to kill yourself is the kind of thing you do while cowering behind a closed door. It’s the long nights of silent desperation, staring at the ceiling while you die a hundred times behind your eyelids. And yeah, hurting yourself isn’t a nice thing to do and it sucks to do it and hide it and feel ashamed about it afterwards...but_______________________
there is Always a but
sleep is like a distant friend again. partially my fault, even with the meds i only ever got about 5 hours max... now... well. what hope have i got but for a few minutes here and there when body and mind are both so exhausted they have but no choice.
and all the while...i don't want to hurt anyone. i don't want to make people i love worry about me. i show them a smile and make everything ok ....but in reality...well ye
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