i hope no one minds me making another thread. This just doesnt fit in with the other. I'm hoping someone might understand this or maybe have been thru it and have some advice or just share experience...
I have been off work for another 2 year leave (two years this feb.). I went back for 6 months and then got signed off again. My doc has filled out the forms for me for early retirement. I hear the results next month. I'm not sure how i feel about it; being told i will never be reliable and able to work again...
But that isnt the problem right now. (I'm trying not to think of it cos i'm petrified they will deny me and i dont know what the hell i will do if that happens.)
Right now...well the last few months; I fell...nothing.
I'm not depressed (i dont think)
I'm not happy
i'm not content
im not suffering the panic attacks
i do still have the voice but whatever. I'm used to it now.
But i just feel NOTHING.
I went off benzos 3 months ago and at first it was pretty hard, then i realized how much it hid from me. And it was good to feel again. But i seem to have lost those feelings and am in a nowhere land. The bipolar is under control, i'm not all over the place.
But this isn't...i dont know...i want to feel something you know?
I have no urges to harm.
I have no urges for anything, good or bad.
i feel....disconnected, from everything.
I don't know...i'm not explaining very well.
Part of me feels guilty being off work when i'm not actively depressed or harming or any of that.
I feel...empty, lost, nothing.
Can anyone relate to this?
maybe i should talk to my psych about this but...i find him hard to talk to. It's not him, it's me. He is great; he really listens...but i have no words to give him.
Ok, i'll quit now....i dont know what i'm asking, i guess just , does anyone feel like this? What did you do? And maybe just for a hug or something...
thanks
romp
*hugs* sorry no help but does offer hugs :) I was thinking that it could be some wierd way of your body coping, but as to what to do about it I'm afraid I haven't a clue, give it time, maybe....I do understand though when I feel nothing I sometimes wish I was depressed and feeling something rather than feeling nothing, hope somebody else has more to say but for now I'll just offer another hug.
"I am me and me is good enough if I would only be it openly"
hugs sweetie i feel disconnted too sometimes from everything and everyone
the nothing you feel i get that too and for me i find it a relief as the pain and the tears are to much to bear but it seems to come more often now and i dont like not being able to feel anything
please dont feel guilty sweetie for being off work your doctor is best to judge even if you not harming or feeling depressed its to much for some people and im sure it will all go well its not like you have not tried to go to work and that you just flat dont want to go its cause you cant go and that much be rough
sorry im not to good on advcie just wanted you to know iv read your post and i understand and feel free to pm me
lets us know how it goes thinking of you
lots and lots of hugs
midnight xxxxxxxx
There is no chance, no destiny no fate that can circumvent or hinder or control the firm resolve of a determined soul
Im sorry you are feeling so numb right now. Maybe its your body's way of giving you a rest. < you bloody deserve one > Maybe its your meds working, keeping you on an even keel.
I know its hard to think you are going to take early retirement. I think its something you are going to have to get use to, its going to take time. ;O)
You know I think your great < offers huge hugs >. Im so glad you are posting and talking about how you feel. I would talk to your psych or if you cant find the words print out your post.
you know? you ppl are the best!! you really are. Thank you so much for the hugs and support. It means a great deal to me. Sometimes it IS a relief to feel nothing, but not right now. When i went off the benzos i was amazed at how much i felt, it showed me how numb they made me. But somewhere i lost the ability to feel anything...
Now my dad is in hosp. again; he had a stroke. It seems to have been a mild one. But i just heard form mom a few minutes ago and he is being moved to the bigger hospital. He has a blockage in the neck which caused the stroke and i dont really know what they will do to fix it. I dont know if they do something like the angioplasty that he had for his heart or what??
I thought i wasnt depressed but i woke uou this morning headachy and lost, it has landed on me hard all of the sudden.
I want to harm or OD.
I've done ok with the drinking; one drink last night and then didnt want another! YAY me i guess.
But right now i want to get my hands on some blow so bad.
Its been almost 2 years i think.
The early retirement....yeah, youre right jadie, i DO need to somehow come to terms with it. IF i get it, i dont even know for certain just yet. But my doc says i will.
Hmmm....
Anyways, thank you all for replying. It really helps to know im not alone!
And thanks for our fun chat today jadie, that helped more than i can say. You made me smile and laugh for a while :o)
Love you guys
romp
Can anyone relate to this?
maybe i should talk to my psych about this but...i find him hard to talk to. It's not him, it's me. He is great; he really listens...but i have no words to give him.
The words you have just written seem like a great description to me hun!
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
I just want to say that I still believe in you, and I always have. This is one turn on your road. It's like when you have been driving on a really long trip and after awhile your brain disconnects and it almost feels like you are moving on automatic. Sometimes you'll hit a bump or a traffic jam along the way and it will wake you up. Sometimes you'll make a wrong turn and you'll either panic and get yourself even more lost for awhile before you get back on the right path, or you'll find discover something new and wonderful along the way. I hope as you move further along on your road you see and feel something beautiful. *hugs*
thank you guys, very much!
no reason, yes, guess it would do to print it out for him. I'll think about it. thank you :o)
crys; i have missed you girl!! *hugs* you always have such a wonderful way with words. You expressed it very well. That is how it feels lately, just on autopilot, cruising along. So, yes, i have hit a turn...and i know it is up to me to either find something good and true on this path or get back on the other. Thank you.
All of you , thanks.
And jade, thanks for cheering me up yesterday :o). i think we both needed it!
romp
Honey I love ya sooooo much. I always enjoy our chats.
I am sorry that you are depressed, lets hope you get to see your psych soon. Lets hope he helps you this time. If you ever need to talk about it, you know where I am xxx
YAY for the lack of drinking, you should be sooooo proud of yourself. I am
Sorry to hear about your dad, I really hope he gets better soon. Much love goes to your family. xxx
Im sorry that you want to harm or OD again. We will have to fight our demons together.
Honey hang in there. Your a star and will always be my sunshine
and my dear jess, my nnsbjb! Hmm...this might be a bet you will lose lol. About the harm/od bit, yeah, im pretty sure im safe there. Love ya hunni. cant wait to see pics!
And FRainy...i love ya too babes. I'm so proud of you right now!!
Midnight Fairy; thank you for making me feel better about being off work. that is a HUGE issue with me right now. And yes , you are right. My doc refused to let me go back and instead filled out retirement forms. It's all a little hard to take actually. i feel my life is over you know? I feel useless and a failure, but maybe if i volunteer or try the hospitals OP program again i will feel better. Thanks for your support.
wildly insane; you may be right. maybe it is my body or minds way of handling things right now. to just shut off for awhile? Could very well be! thank you for the hugs and support.
now i find im not sleeping! I was having troubles and went on rememron for it and that fixed it but i had to go off seroquel and on risredal and no i cant sleep very well! Stupid!!
anyways, thanks
romp
I can sort of relate to how you are feeling. I haven't worked for a year and feel very bad about that. I have also been told that I may not ever be reliable enough to work again. And others have told me that I don't have the will to be reliable which really hurts and is a major factor in my self harm/self injury issues because my self esteem is virtually non existant. I would love to be able to work again and I have even just enrolled in a course but it guts me that I'm at home while my wife is working, earning money, making friends and making a future for herself. I feel that deep down there is only emptiness and nothingness.
I wish I could come up with better advise but I'm not really feeling any better than you are.
Please know that I am thinking of you and you are a wonderful, beautiful person in my opinion.
Nathan xo
"For those who fight for it, life has a flavour the sheltered never know"
-Pinned to a noticeboard at the US Command Post in Khe Sanh.
just a minor lil update, if no one minds
i have been alcohol free for two days now. I didnt even think of it last night!! YAY!
Maybe i can finally get this under control. I hope so.
And ive been really on the edge of stopping eating again, but im going to try and exercise alot to lose this weight. I have the TV set to record an exercise show tomorrow morning; its on at 4:30 AM! So i'll be doing it MUCH later LOL! Hope its good. and fingers crossed we can still get the treadmill.
I cant keep on like this. i hate myslef so very very much right now. I have never ever had a problem with weight, till that damn med. Now...it just wont go! I dont know how to handle this, i never have had to before. but i exercised today and hopefully this can be another good start.
Maybe, just maybe...i'll get out of this.
*hopes*
romp
Well done darling!!!! *cuddles you tightly* I'm exercising too! But not for 'me'. I'm telling myself "i'm walking Bella (my nan's dog) and she needs the exercise" and that seems to work to trick myself out of thinking about weight and all that. So maybe, walk your dogs??? And then you'll be doing it 'for them' and not for you!
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
Thank you Nathan! *hugs*. It's nice to know someone understands how i feel, but at the same time it isnt cos it means you are suffering too. I hope this course is good for you and you can gain something from it and help your self-esteem (mine is near non-existant too). Work, well NOT working, plays a huge role. I even had someone tell me i was 'lucky' ??!! Stupid ppl.
Anyways, thanks again and let me know how the course works out! Be thinking of you
romp
Good for you Jess! Proud of you. I think im maybe able to go out by myself now. It will be interseting walking all three of them, they are quite a handful and weigh soooo much all together. But after a few times they settle down and its not so bad! As long as i steer very clear of posts LOL! Gave some ppl a good laugh with that one! ;o)
love ya my nnsbjs
romp
