i keep asking myself whether i really want to get through this latest deep depression. i know things can get better, but then they get bad again. i sort of feel like while i am in a place (mentally - but physically too i guess, not being stuck in hospital with nurses following me around) where i could commit suicide, maybe i should grab the opportunity to do so.
i just don't have any faith that anything can be done that will enable me to feel ok permanently (for a long time now even the 'good' bits have been pretty sucky) and its not just me; i have a letter from a 'consultant psychiatrist in psychology' that ends something like "she may have to come to terms with the fact that she wil not get better as she hopes." some people (my mum the most vociferously) are telling me that he is wrong, but it really keys in to the fear that i have, that as well as worthless, my life is also hopeless.
it has been so so very long i have been fighting this, i just want his to be the last battle - even if for it to be so i have to lose.
"Thinking is the most unhealthy thing in the world"
i feel really hypocritical posting to other people that they have hope, but i can't believe it for myself. part of me thinks the letter means my case is different, but i think i am just playing out a double standard. unfortuatly that revelation doesn't actually make me feel any better or more optimistic.
"Thinking is the most unhealthy thing in the world"
I got told pretty much the same thing, 'that i will never be 'well' as i want and need to learn how to accept this and live with it' blah, blah ,blah. But i DONT believe it. Partly because the quack is telling me i have something i Dont! He says one thing yet every doc/psych/couns/whatever , IP or out says it is something else...and i'm being treated for it and it's slowly working i think. I dont SI anymore.
It sounds like it has been a long time for you. It has for me too, 30 years this year as a matter of fact.
I think maybe you need to seek out other opinions. I think you ARE using it to not try and be better, letting him tell you you will never be 'well', but i dont believe that is true. I think it is merely that you may not have found the right combination of meds/treatment. Is that possible?
It is easy to get stuck in the illness, i'm NOT suggesting you are the only one doing this, hell, i dont even the right, or knowledge of you, to suggest that you are....i just know I did it when i was very low and lost. It's easy, this hell takes everything away from you and makes it seem there is no chance even of hope.
But i believe it is there.
I hope you can find it soon, i really do. PLS keep posting.
Don't suicide.
You have fought this long.
Pls feel free to PM if you like ok?
I can hear how lost and alone you feel. But we are here, you are NOT alone.
And no one wants to lose you.
thinkin of you
romp
*hugs* you never have to accept that you wont get better, us and the world constantly change and learn and I know that you don't think there is hope right now and that the fight has been too long, but you never know what's right around the corner and if you give up you'll never know what the next sunrise has in store for you. You've been fighting this long, keep fighting. Think of those who care about you, like your mum. Don't give up, you are worth so much more than that, hugs, Hannah
"I am me and me is good enough if I would only be it openly"
Not sure I have any words but wanted to let you know I am thinking of you.
As Hannah and Romp said please try and keep going, there are people who think a great deal of you.
This may be slightly aside but when I read what your doc said it reminded me of what my psychotherapist said to me when I was very ill, they said that often we get an idealistic idea of what 'happy' people feel and it is not obtainable, things like TV give us a false idea of life when in reality life is not like that. Not sure if it helps.
what you wrote made so much sense to me, but, being a hypocrite, i wanted to tell you that it's not true. you can't give up and you can get better. being content is a real emotion, which most people have to one degree or another, and i i think you can have that too, that you're psych gives up too easily. it's easy for them to say that, they're not the one suffering, you are, and you have a right to live and be happy, everyone does.
