Triggering (Suicide) - positive outlets?

The reason i started using drugs, and drinking and cutting were to relieve the emotional pain I carry inside from the deaths of 11 close family members and friends. The loss of my friends has hit me the hardest. In 7th grade I lost a friend in a horseback riding accident, then in 10th grade I lost a friend to suicide, 11th grade (this year) I lost a friend in a car wreck. I am about to lose another due to brain cancer. I realize I have no idea how to express my emotions in a positive way. I always have turned to drugs, drinking or cutting and now that I have stopped all three (been clean and sober a little over 10 months, and cutting for about 6), I have no idea how to express what I feel inside.

[Camie]

I'm so sorry for all the loss you've been through already in your life. Perhaps the reason you've turned to those things in the past was to avoid greiving, but it's something you must do and you should tell yourself it's okay. Even though it's painful, you can't hold it inside or you'll keep reliving the loss. One of the things I would suggest you do is write them a letter or write out everything you think and feel related to the person until you feel you've gotten through the pain. Even if you don't know what you're saying and keeping writing the same things over and over, you'll eventually find the worlds to let it out of you. It's not letting the person go, but learning to live with them in a different way in your heart.

I'm sorry to say no one can go through this process for you, but we are here to help you through it and stand by you for whatever you need. Please let us know if there's anything we can do or if you need someone to talk to. Take care of yourself.

[craola]

Im so sorry you've been through so much and lost so many, I cant imagine how much hurt you must have felt and must still be feeling. Real congratulations on being clean, sober and cut free for so long, that really is an incredible achievement, I hope you're as proud of yourself as you should be. It sounds as though you have never grieved fully at the loss of your friends and family members, it sounds to me as though you could do with maybe seeing a grieving councellor, or having help of some sort to help you cope with the loss of your friends, and with dealing with your friend who is so ill. You can get through this without slipping, I know you can, but you may need some help in doing so. I dont know whether you are in the uk but I think you should maybe go see your local doctor about getting some help in coping with everything without falling back into your old habbits.
Take care hun, stay safe
Aimee xx

[one_step_closer]

I'm so sorry to hear that you have been going through so much pain, this must be really difficult for you. Well done with being clean and sober, that's an amazingly positive step. As has been said, it might help to talk things through with someone who will listen without judging you, or to write down how you are feeling.

Drugs, drinking, and cutting don't really allow you to express how you are feeling, they sort of stop it. They block out the pain to a certain extent, but that pain will keep building up inside. I hope that you find a positive outlet that is right for you. Please get in touch any time. Take care. xxx