OK, so not seeing my cpn at the moment and haven't done for months. Recognise I'm dangerously close to another od having only taken my last a week ago. No cpn therefore call my gp practice to try and get appt. One of the drs this time calls back and offers me an appt for that day (flippin heck must have sounded crazy ) but said she would also speak to my psych. Psych told her that my contact should be with my cpn despite her knowing that she is supposed to be "mediating" at my next appt with her. GP calls cpn and basically, I'm to see him, despite not having done so for so long and not her.
I didn't want to see him in crisis mode so to speak but needed an outlet other then doing something stupid. I wanted to be able to see him in a controlled environment when things re his unreliability can be addressed in a measured way.
Instead I am effectively told see him or no-one even though we know full-well that you don't ask for help and when you do an OD etc follows shortly thereafter.
How is this fair?
To top it off, I get home and get a copy of letter from psych from last appt and they are all trying to attribute everything in my life - the alck of motivation, the anxiety, the constant crying and irritation, the suicidal thoughts to things that may or may not have happened in the past. Perhaps I need some help to deal with the here and now?
Sorry, mad, going to cut and just plain fed up of doing everything right and not getting any "better".
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
It sounds to me like you are doing everything possible to help yourself at the moment and I think you should be proud of yourself. When is the appointment with your CPN? I think seeing them in crisis mode may not be that bad, at least then they may realise how much you are struggling, although I appreciate you wanted to get the issues sorted first. I'm sorry things are so bad...I know those words sound rather trite but it's true. Sorry I can't be more help but I am thinking of you x
Seeing him tomorrow morning but that's only if he bothers to keep the appt - not his strong point. I don't know, tired and fed up of fighting. I really tried this time, I did. He can't do anything to help me now, no-one can. Surely there is something they can say/do to help in the short term whilst I wait to see if I get accepted for the psychotherapy and whether it works. Can't hang around long term not knowing whether will be accepted and whether it will actually help. Just want to give in, stop fighting, not work, stay in bed, away from people and cut and OD and drink because this fighting thing is too hard and I still feel just as ****.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
Sorry to moan especially as you are struggling so much. Crisis team hate me as well - I'm allowed to call them and do sometimes before and sometimes after when they tell me to come to the hospital but only to be medically checked but they won't actually take me on. The cmht tried a few times over the summer when my cpn was absent for a couple of months. Nobody can actually do anything though. What have I done to make them hate me so much? They're supposed t obe professionals so why do they hate me, surely they should just be neutral? What is it I expect they can do though? As they always say - "we don't have a magic wand" - **** off. They see me like this, when I am impulsive and do stupid things and judge me but they have no idea what it is like fighting this day in, day out, not recognising the you who wasn't like this before. The you who relished in life and challenges and didn't want to hide away and die.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
Maybe him seeing you like this will make him realise that you need more support than he is giving you right now. Though i don't see why you couldn't have seen the gp aswell today if it would have helped.
I know the crisis team can be a nightmare but can you phone them if things get to that point? At least so you can make ot to the morning and see your cpn.
I really think the psychotherapy will be what you need because these people understand, they are used to working with people with these kinds of problems. It was such a relief when i went to my assessment because i could tell they understood and didn't think i was just being some attention seeking hysterical teenage type. Just keep hanging in there, you know where i am xxxx
"Because you don't notice the light without a bit of shadow. Everything has both dark and light. You have to play with it until you get it exactly right."
[quote=dark_light;1383962]Maybe him seeing you like this will make him realise that you need more support than he is giving you right now. quote]
They already know this. He's been to see me before plenty of times when I have been like this and even admitted afterwards that he knew I would end up doing something.
He's my only option cpn-wise as he can "manage my chaos". I am so ****ing unmanageable? How can that be so. Surely they deal with people who are ill and who have far bigger problems. Why do they just all hate me? What have I done to deserve to feel like this and for them to judge me in this way I'm not this horrible person, am I? Why do I feel like this? Nothing that terrible has happened in my past. I'm just a freak. A freak that no-one really wants to see and it makes it all the more difficult to not want to end everything.
With the psychotherapy, maybe that works for people who actually have problems, etc but how could it work for me? I don't think it can. How can they understand me when I don't understand me? It's just another false promise to make me stay alive for longer - maybe they're taking bets on how far they can push me until I end it. I feel so alone
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
I hope you don't mind me keep posting like this. Please don't feel obliged to reply. For some reason, these thoughts have got to get out of my head. Maybe I should drink. I wish I had something in the house but I don't because that is something else I have been working on the past few months - cutting down on my drinking. ****, ****, ****. OK, no drink, what else? OD, they're screaming in my head. Failure, go on, do it properly this time. Why do you listen to that lot, they're all laughing about you behind your back. Not one of them believes anything you say, not one of them cares, not one of them can do anything to help you, freak!
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
Keep posting as much as you want, dont be sorry. Getting it off your chest is hopefully helping a little bit.
Your not a failure. Your just having a very bad time at the moment. A couple of days ago you were soooo good at making positives out of negatives. You ARE fighting this.
Can you be with someone during this tough time????
Last edited by Tears of Solitude : 26-01-2009 at 11:45 PM.
Reason: miss wording
I really hope that this CPN keeps his appt with you tomorrow. I wish you luck. Please tell him exactly how you feel. I hope he will be able to help you.
Thanks for being here . I'm at home and my housemate is in her room but I don't want her to know it's like this. I think she thinks that being like this is a choice. She used to be really supportive of it but now I hear comments every now and then in response to programmes etc and I can tell that they are directed at me. They are all fed up of me. I'm fed up of me. Need it all to stop - the noise, the inexplicable pain and crying, the anxiety. I just want a rest, a period when I don't have to fight ever single day. Nobody can fight every day, it's not possible. I didn't choose to be like this and have calmed down in my chaotic ways but I crave it again - I need to hurt myself, self destruct. It needs to happen.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
I've tried turning it off, the denial, the keeping busy but it always ends up here again. It's as if I am craving an OD but I don't know, it's just all so muddled and I know tomorrow's appt will be a waste of time. A glimmer of hope, of feeling just a little better than this, is that too much to ask for?
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
I doesn't need to happen Carrie. You are a wonderfully caring and supportive person. You do not deserve pain or hurt. Nobody is laughing at you either and like Jade, I also care. You are not alone in this. We will support you anyway we can. You deserve to be well and happy. One day if you keep fighting like you are now, then you will be. I know it is hard to look at the person you once were compared with how you are now but please try and remember that you ARE ill. Everything you are going through is a result of an illness which can be treated if given the right help. Hopefully that is what psychotherapy can give you. You can get through this hun, even if it doesn't seem like it.
Tomorrow's appointment may be a waste of time, but it may not be. If you go and are completely honest and ask for the extra support then maybe you will get it. You are not beyond help, it is the illness which is making you believe that.
You aren't a freak and they don't hate you, its true they may find some of your behaviour difficult to manage, its the same with me, but thats not you, its like emma said its the illness. And it is an illness which unfortunataly will just take a bit of time to put right.
Have you taken your meds today? they might help calm things a bit.
Please beleive me when i say i understand, the urges and the feelings and i'm here if you want to talk xxx
"Because you don't notice the light without a bit of shadow. Everything has both dark and light. You have to play with it until you get it exactly right."
) but said she would also speak to my psych. Psych told her that my contact should be with my cpn despite her knowing that she is supposed to be "mediating" at my next appt with her. GP calls cpn and basically, I'm to see him, despite not having done so for so long and not her.
