Triggering (SI/Suicide) - Could do with some support
So, here it goes, my first thread in vets. This is going to be long so sorry.
I'm at university and it's house hunting time. I love how everyone has a house now. They're all talking about it. It's all on their facebook status'. And I don't even have anyone to live with. I don't even know whether I'll be living in a house or whether I'll have to stay in halls. I'm alone. As per usual.
I'm tired. Exhausted more like. I want to sleep but can't. Didn't sleep well last night at all.
Feel numb, dead, empty, flat, emotionless. I can't even use the word 'bad' to describe how I feel because I feel nothing. Fed up is about right though. I'm tired. I feel like I'm being pathetic and whiny and attention seeking. I'm trying to keep quiet. I know I should email my doctor but I won't do it. Part of me wishes someone else would do it for me. The other part thinks what's the point of seeing her anyway - there is no point.
I start CBT in a few weeks. I feel like this is my final hope. If this doesn't work...what hope is there? I've tried counselling, medication, hospital...CBT feels like the only option I have left.
My social mentor isn't keeping in touch. Not turning up to meetings/not replying to texts. I've given up with it really. Letting that side of things drop. Took me over a week just to put my passport forms in the postbox. My academic mentor helped me with that in the end. I need to talk to my social mentor and explain to her that it's ok if she can't cope with mentoring me at the moment and that's ok and then go and talk to the disability co-ordinator about it so I can maybe get another mentor but I can't get in touch with her so I can't do it. It's also a shame because I like my social mentor but I keep being let down and not getting things done.
I don't even know what the matter is at the moment. It seems pointless saying to anyone that I don't feel good as there's nothing wrong. I haven't been thinking about Stephanie (my friend who died) as much, my presentation is over now and even before, I was too dead to feel really anxious about it. I'm not even feeling low. Just nothing.
This sounds really terrible but I want to be suicidal and self-harming again. I want that option, that escape route. I want to be able to cut without ruining my time free. I want to not have to worry about letting myself/anyone else down. I want to have the option of escaping from this world. I want to be brave enough to do it. To actually want to carry it out rather than just thinking about it.
It's not that I want to die, I just don't want to live like this. I'm worn out. I keep fighting and get no where or things improve slightly and then fall back down again. Everytime things get better something bad happens to make them fall. Be that cancer or Stephanie dying. I can't cope with feeling like this anymore.
I look ahead and all I see is more years like the last 5. Maybe I'll cope better, like I am at the moment with no self-harming or suicide attempts. But the depression will be there. I find it so hard to believe that it'll change when it hasn't so far.
Why do I keep trying? Honestly, why do I? When it just seems like it'll be this neverending depression? I want to be a clinical psychologist. I want to help others. But I can't do that until I sort myself out and I'm not sure that's going to happen. The things keeping me alive is my degree and wanting a career at the end but it doesn't even seem like I'll get that.
I feel like I'm making up my depression. Inventing things that are wrong, imagining that I'm feeling bad. I would believe that if it wasn't for the fact that it's been like this for years and I haven't been able to change it. Yet I still can't help but feel like I should just pull myself out of it and it's within my control to do so.
I don't know what to do anymore. Like I said, I want to be suicidal so that I can take that option. But I'm not. I want to self-harm to give me a bit of temporary relief. But I'm not. I don't know what to do instead. I'm worn out.
Last edited by pixiedust : 26-01-2009 at 08:18 PM.
Reason: spelling mistake
Sometimes the way in life seems cloudy...But remember, after the storm comes clear skies
Honey, grief can effect you in sooooo many ways, and can for ages. Give yourself a chance and try not to beat yourself up so much. You ARE doing the best you can, this moment.
You are a fighter, you have been through counselling, meds etc. Keep going because this CBT course could be the answer. If not you will meet like minded people, that may become friends.
Not having a house to go to or even know where your going to be staying cannot help your frame of mind. I think when you find somewhere to call home you will feel a little better.
Im glad you posted and I hope you are too. I hope it helped by talking about it.
Firstly, well done for having the courage to post in Vets. Don’t worry about it being long, we all seem to write some very long posts as times, but if it helps to get it all out then it’s good. Better out in the open than stuck in your head making it worse and worse.
If it makes you feel any better, nobody here is talking about house hunting here, but I dread when they do. Because I don’t know that I’ll be moving out. I think I’ll be staying home instead. Is there anyone you can talk to about moving house?
Feeling tired, even exhausted is a sign you’re worn out and haven’t slept much. Could you get an early night tonight to catch up a little and have a better night’s sleep?
I'm sorry you’re feeling so many negative emotions and feel nothing. It’s so hard. I know how you feel. I often get like that. I feel like I’m being pathetic, whiny and attention seeking at the moment too. But we’re not hun, it’s good that we’re trying to talk to people. I’m also trying to keep quiet but slowly letting certain people in somehow. *cuddles* I know how it feels when you want someone else to do it for you, I often feel like that about things only I can myself and nobody else.
I hate when you even know what the actual matter is sometimes. Maybe it’s just everything catching up with you. I know you’ve been thinking about Stephanie lots and I know how hard it is, bet you’re glad your presentation is over. How did it go?
It doesn’t sound terrible to me, I’ve often felt like that, so much believe me. Because it’s something you’re used to and with the self harming it used to be your comfort and how you dealt with things easily. It’s such hard work recovering because you don’t want to have worry about xyz now that you’re in recovery.
I’m glad you don’t want to die but it’s just you not wanting to living like this. I know how tiring it is. I often feel like I am fighting but not getting anywhere or things only slightly improve and then to only fall back down yet again. It sucks.
You may well cope better hun, but you wont know until the time has come and gone and you’ve dealt with it somehow. Just like now where you’re not self harming or attempting suicide or anything else. Yes the depression may rear it’s ugly head but you can work towards fighting it and trying to get better. I know you find it so hard to see that it could be good, I am finding it hard to believe right now that 2009 is going to be any better but some days have been pure amazing for me.
You keep trying because you want to fight and get better. I know it feels like there will be the never ending depression. I’m glad you have a goal you want to work towards, use that when you’re wondering why you’re fighting. Remind yourself you want to help others and show that they can get through things like you have. *cuddles*
I also have days where I feel like I’m making things up, inventing things that are wrong or whatever. But that’s the depression etc trying to make us think like that.
*massive squishes* I hope this reply has helped you a little xxxx
firstly *hugs*, I can understand your feelings about finding a house to move into at uni as I'm in the same situation, however talking to 2nd and 3rd years there are options, whether it be private halls rather than uni ones, a one bed flat or even a house try not to worry. There's always adverts around for students that need an extra housemates although there is the worry you wont get on with them its another option.
Maybe try and get a routine before bed that helps you sleep, so you wind down a bit if at all possible.
As someone said to me today, give yourself a break. It sounds as though you've had a lot going on recently, everything has changed and your allowed to react to it. Treat yourself occasionally and see how you go.
well done on posting here. hang in there. i dont really know what to say. things can and will get better, they can just take a long time.
sorry i'm not in a good place, so really have nothing to say.
*hugs*
Honey, grief can effect you in sooooo many ways, and can for ages. Give yourself a chance and try not to beat yourself up so much. You ARE doing the best you can, this moment.
You are a fighter, you have been through counselling, meds etc. Keep going because this CBT course could be the answer. If not you will meet like minded people, that may become friends.
Not having a house to go to or even know where your going to be staying cannot help your frame of mind. I think when you find somewhere to call home you will feel a little better.
Im glad you posted and I hope you are too. I hope it helped by talking about it.
Keep talking, keep posting
Love Jade xxx
Thank you Jade.
To be honest at the moment I feel like it's more the depression than grief. I've seemed to have been able to put that for rest for a few days since I spoke to someone about it.
I really hope the CBT course does help. It's 1-2-1 with a psychologist and I've met her for an assessment already and she seemed really nice so I should get on with her.
On Thursday I'm going to a Find A Housemate event so hopefully I'll make some progress with the housing issues then.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MammaMia
If it makes you feel any better, nobody here is talking about house hunting here, but I dread when they do. Because I don’t know that I’ll be moving out. I think I’ll be staying home instead. Is there anyone you can talk to about moving house?
I was talking to my social mentor about it but as she's not around...
Quote:
Feeling tired, even exhausted is a sign you’re worn out and haven’t slept much. Could you get an early night tonight to catch up a little and have a better night’s sleep?
The last few nights I haven't been able to sleep whatever time I went to bed - last night I went to bed early but didn't get to sleep til about 4.45am. I've taken a tablet tonight though so hopefully that'll make it easier to get to sleep. Saying that, I've been really tired for ages and had been sleeping well, if not too much so I don't hold much hope that I'll be more refreshed tomorrow but oh well.
Quote:
I'm sorry you’re feeling so many negative emotions and feel nothing. It’s so hard. I know how you feel. I often get like that. I feel like I’m being pathetic, whiny and attention seeking at the moment too. But we’re not hun, it’s good that we’re trying to talk to people. I’m also trying to keep quiet but slowly letting certain people in somehow. *cuddles* I know how it feels when you want someone else to do it for you, I often feel like that about things only I can myself and nobody else.
I hate when you even know what the actual matter is sometimes. Maybe it’s just everything catching up with you. I know you’ve been thinking about Stephanie lots and I know how hard it is, bet you’re glad your presentation is over. How did it go?
Thanks Helen. I'm glad I'm not alone although I wish you didn't feel like that either.
My presentation was...horrible and I made quite a few mistakes but I did well enough to pass (I think) and it's over now so I'm trying to forget about it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Secrets
firstly *hugs*, I can understand your feelings about finding a house to move into at uni as I'm in the same situation, however talking to 2nd and 3rd years there are options, whether it be private halls rather than uni ones, a one bed flat or even a house try not to worry. There's always adverts around for students that need an extra housemates although there is the worry you wont get on with them its another option.
Maybe try and get a routine before bed that helps you sleep, so you wind down a bit if at all possible.
As someone said to me today, give yourself a break. It sounds as though you've had a lot going on recently, everything has changed and your allowed to react to it. Treat yourself occasionally and see how you go.
Im sorry I can't help more.
Secrets xxx
I've got a Find A Housemate event on Thursday but if not I might stay in halls. I like the idea of moving out but I think if I got a one bedroomed flat then I'd be too lonely. I mean I like being on my own but sometimes it helps me to have someone around. Thanks for your reply.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kija
well done on posting here. hang in there. i dont really know what to say. things can and will get better, they can just take a long time.
sorry i'm not in a good place, so really have nothing to say.
*hugs*
Thanks. Hope you feel better soon too.
Sometimes the way in life seems cloudy...But remember, after the storm comes clear skies
Good for you for posting :) I think the first post in a new forum is always a bit frightening. when you said "It's not that I want to die, I just don't want to live like this." it immediately made me think of a few weeks ago when I felt exactly the same way... things will get better. Hopefully the CBT will be helpful; that's good that you get on well with the psychologist.
I know what you mean about thinking you make this all up; I've felt like that before... in my opinion that's another way the illness drags you down.. fools you into thinking you're making things up and makes you feel worse about yourself.
You seem to be a fighter, and I think it's wonderful you want to help others too. Keep fighting; keep finding small things to hope for.
*hugs*
Remember there's no such thing as a small act of kindness.
Every act creates a ripple with no logical end. ~ Scott Adams
I just wanted to offer you some hugs and to wish you well for thursday. I hope you find some lovely people to share a house with.
I really hope the CBT works too. I know what it feels like to pin all your hopes on something. In a way thats a good things as you will probably put your heart and soul into it.
I'm really struggling not to binge or drink. Really want vodka but alcohol won't be good I know. I had a couple of drinks earlier which is making me want them now. I reckon I only need one glass and it would make me flip. I feel the frustration, anger and upset bubbling up inside of me, just wanting the vodka to let it out. I'd end up hysterical, angry and crying but at least that'ld be better than nothing and would let it out. And I wouldn't care what I felt if I drank either. In a twisted kind of way I like it. Not all the time of course, but as a one off it feels good to have all that emotion.
I should go to bed but I can't. I'm tired but don't want to lie down still and try to sleep. I'll get worked up. My head will start buzzing. I should've taken my tablet earlier but I forgot and it's too late now.
My emotions are pushing to get out but I'm scared to let them. Unless of course there's alcohol involved in which case I wouldn't be scared and it would mean I'd be able to let them out too.
I want the vodka. I really do.
Sometimes the way in life seems cloudy...But remember, after the storm comes clear skies
*hugs* can you talk about your emotions on here, where it's safe.. to help you get them out? Keep on fighting not drinking or bingeing... you are right it won't likely help the situation. Sorry I don't have much in terms of words right now; but am thinking of you. take care.
Remember there's no such thing as a small act of kindness.
Every act creates a ripple with no logical end. ~ Scott Adams
I'm finding the urges to binge much easier to resist than to drink. I'm holding off which is more than usual but it's hard. I just want to cry and let it all out. I'm still numb but it's bubbling up.
There's the hurt of being alone, of having no one here who's a friend, of missing Stephanie, of being tired of feeling like this.
There's the frustration of being like this, not being able to change or snap myself out of it.
There's the anger of Stephanie being gone, self-hatred and many things I don't know.
There's fear, I don't know what of.
And of course just wanting to cry because I'm tired of all this and I'm worn out.
Sometimes the way in life seems cloudy...But remember, after the storm comes clear skies
can you try to look at this numbness as a phase, partly fueled by stress?
its annoying that your social mentor has gone awol. can you go and talk to the disability co-ordinator anyway?
its really good that you are getting CBT; it can be really effective, as this quote from wikipedia states:
Quote:
The Depression Report,which states: 100 people attend up to sixteen weekly sessions one-on-one lasting one hour each, some will drop out but within four months 50 people will have lost their psychiatric symptoms over and above those who would have done so anyway.
Last edited by miss_kitty : 28-01-2009 at 03:53 AM.
Reason: getting quote right
"Thinking is the most unhealthy thing in the world"
I've met up with my social mentor a couple of times and we've decided that we'll see how things go over the next couple of weeks and if they don't improve then we'll go to see the disability co-ordinator together to sort something out.
I've been very stressed the last few days - had a practical report due in and a trampolining competition. Also had to go out with people I didn't really know and got myself really worked up about 'something' happening again but thankfully it didn't.
My eating has been really messed up. I was trying to sort it out but my ASDA delivery was cancelled and they didn't tell me so I still have no food. I did manage to get some bread earlier though so I'm going to try and have that for breakfast and lunch for the next few days.
I've only been to one lecture so far this week because my motivation to get out of bed is appalling and I've been so exhausted. I haven't been sleeping well (although the last two nights I have done).
This evening my head has started to be noisy again. The voices are in the background but I've taken my tablet to try and shut them up. I hope it doesn't get worse later.
Tonight and tomorrow are going to be hard. Tomorrow should have been my best friend's 20th birthday. I can't even bring myself to go on Facebook because the birthday alert is staring me in the face because I can't bring myself to take her off my friend's list. Not that I needed reminding anyway.
I think there's a not too good a night ahead.
Sometimes the way in life seems cloudy...But remember, after the storm comes clear skies
Well done for going to see your social mentor, at least they know now there is a problem. I hope they can come to some arrangement that works for you xxx
Sorry about your Asda's delivery. xxx Its not good that they cancelled it without telling you.
Im sorry about your friend's birthday, if you need to talk tonite I am around to listen even if you want to scream and shout. xxx
Had enough.
Really really had enough.
It wasn't enough it being Stephanie's birthday and her not being here today...
The only reason I went to trampolining was because of the competition on Saturday....
But guess what?
I haven't been entered!
And she only decides to tell me tonight.
Then I realise I'd forgotten to bring my sweat band
So I wore my watch
Until I got told to take it off
So EVERYONE sees my scars
Thankfully no one said anything but it was still horrible
Then I get a text from my sister and she's upset and annoyed with me because I forgot to reply to her text
Stupid forgetful bad sister me
I've had enough. I've really really had enough.
I want to be at Stephanie's,
Eating chinese,
Watching a film,
Throwing furbies at each other,
Chatting,
Smiling,
Laughing,
Talking about sheep,
Having fun,
I just want her back.
I hate that she's gone.
I want her back.
I want to cut.
I wasn't because of the competition but now I don't need to worry about that.
I want to OD.
I have the tablets but I don't know what they'd do.
Would they kill me or just make me ill?
Because I don't want to get sent home for attempted suicide.
I'd rather just the actual thing.
I've had enough.
I don't want to do this.
Sometimes the way in life seems cloudy...But remember, after the storm comes clear skies
It depends what they are and how many you take. but Please don't.
I read your post a few hours ago (i'm new) about uni and CBT. What you desribe is so similar to my fisrt year at uni its unreal. and CBT really helped me. I know maybe this doesn't help much right now but i wanted to be psychologist too. I din't quite make it but i work with teenages who have simlar problems to me and i start training this year (mature student) as a social worker. I am only saying this because i want you know that you can achieve your goals and you will do alot of good even though it doesn't seem like it right now please try and hang on.
Hey worried about you and i know this probably wont help you much but i just wanted to say please dont hurt yourself.i know it can be hard to resist but i really hope you dont.You sound like a really nice person and someone i would like to get to know and you also sound like your trying really hard right now.i know its hard but please hang on in there and also i hope the CBT goes well.Good luck.Also please keep talking if it helps and feel free to PM me anytime too.i/we are here for you.
PS As for your social mentor i think youd be entitled to another one.You should be.im sorry youve been let down and as you say its a real shame if you liked the other one/got on with them well but if your not having much contact, cant get hold of her soon but need support then perhaps approach the disability co-ordinator again and explain.
i do not always manage to be around but i wish you all the very best - love and luck to you all!
