So I slipped up again. Only four cuts, but quite deep. Can't decide if I need stitches or not, probably not - can't even cut right.
I'm freaking out that the professionals don't believe me about the voices. If they do they don't seem to care, they're really flippant when I mention them. They want to treat the personality disorder, apparently I wont get better until that's treated. So they're not even trying to treat my psychosis anymore, I bet next they'll be taking me off the APs and that will really **** me up.
I'm feeling really unsafe. I know that the tools I have are sharp enough to slit my wrists. I have a weapon to protect myself when I go out, the Man is telling me to go out and kill people. I wont go to prison because by the time the police arrive I'll be dead.
The spies are watching my house again. They're sitting in unmarked cars and tapping the phones. They're waiting. The Man says they'll kidnap and torture me tonight if I don't kill someone.
I phoned my CPN at about 4pm and she wasn't much help. Now it's out of hours, except for the mental health line and last time I called them they told me to go to A&E and said if I didn't get A&E to call them to confirm I was there they would call the police.
I don't want to go to A&E and especially don't want the police involved while I'm still alive.
I phoned the mental health line and they told me to go to A&E, I told them I don't want to and they said to call the out of hours GP to see if they can give me advice about which medication I could take.
They'll probably tell me to take mirtazapine but that makes me sleep, which will leave me vunerable to the spies.
please dont listen to the voices, they are just playing with you.
just to repeat tears of solitude do you have anyone to sit with you for a while?
*hugs*
I'm freaking out that the professionals don't believe me about the voices. If they do they don't seem to care, they're really flippant when I mention them. They want to treat the personality disorder, apparently I wont get better until that's treated. So they're not even trying to treat my psychosis anymore, I bet next they'll be taking me off the APs and that will really **** me up.
So sorry to hear hun. I struggle with voices and seeing things but not psychosis, apparently they are part of the "package" i.e. me being a freak. Something called pseudo-hallucinations. I didn't get a copy of that letter my psych sent to my gp, reckon she told him I was making it up but didn't want me to know.
I'm sure they believe you though otherwise why would they have diagnosed the psychosis and put you on APs?
I am on Quetiapine (Seroquel) but I was put on it for sleep/anxiety/impulsivity to help reduce my self harm but I was told that was why I was put on it. My voices aren't the kind you can treat with APs - you mean you don't ****ing believe me, which is why I don't even bother to tell them about the man in my house who sometimes watches me while I sleep or walks across the top of the stairs.
I realise this is difficult or impossible for you to believe right now but the spys aren't real hun, they are part of your illness - your psychosis. Maybe you do need to talk to the mental health line again or even go down to A&E as they suggested.
*hugs*
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
Arwen, please listen to the others on here... don't listen to the voices.... keep writing as much you need to. How are things going now? Do you feel safer? Are you still by yourself?
Remember there's no such thing as a small act of kindness.
Every act creates a ripple with no logical end. ~ Scott Adams
Thank you for replies.
The GP service told me I had to go to A&E and that someone would be waiting there from Meadowfield (the psych hosp in my area). When I got there I was assesed by a nurse who said I wouldn't have to wait long. After an hour I said I didn't feel safe waiting and wanted to go home, they said if I went home they would call the police. So I waited and waited and SIX hours later the psych turns up and gives me two lorazepan.
I have one left and even after a long sleep I still feel terrified and dangerous.
Arwennn :(
Have you tried taking the other one? Although I'm pretty sure lorazepam is mainly used to treat anxiety, it may help? Maybe it'll give you more strength to fight off the voices.
Is there anyone around you can talk to? If not my phone is on and you know I'm here x
Wake me up before I change again
Remind me the story that I won't get insane
Tell me why it's always the same
Explain me the reason why I'm so much in pain.
Thank you all :)
Voices are bad. I took the lorazepan and slept for most of the day, missing my appoinment at the day hospital. Didn't want to go anyway, don't want to go outside.
When I got to A&E I had to drop my weapon down the drain coz there were police everywhere. Now I don't feel like I have any protection from the spies so I might get something else when dad's not in the room.
God I feel so scared. Apparently they didn't get me last night because my sister was sleeping downstairs but they're going to kidnap me and torture me tonight if I don't kill someone and then kill myself. The voices are ordering me to do it, they say they don't want to see me tortured...they're worried about me.
Can you go back to a&e and tell them what the voices are saying? you might see someone else this time who could be more helpful.
"Because you don't notice the light without a bit of shadow. Everything has both dark and light. You have to play with it until you get it exactly right."
Waiting around for six hours yesterday made me really anxious and when I finally saw the psych I lied and said alll I needed was PRN to get me through the night. I just wanted to get out of there.
Plus my dad wont be able to come with me so I would be alone and that's when the spies are most likely to get me.
I'm feeling like taking an OD of my medication that makes me sleep. If I took enough I could just sleep and sleep until...well...I dunno. Just to get me away from all this for a while.
Saw my CPN. She wasn't much help, just skirted around talking about the voices. I really think she doesn't believe me.
Want to go to A&E but I know my dad will try to disuade me as it took so long last time and made matters worse.
Have made an emergency GP appointment for in an hour and a half. They'll probably just tell me to go to A&E, but I'm hoping they'll give me some PRN or something.
I am sorry things are so difficult Arwen, a+e suck! I think they do believe you about the voices otherwise they wouldn't want you on PRN or want you to go to a+e to be assessed. You can get through this period though.
