I've been "umming" and "arring" over whether or not to rant openly about what's going on at the moment. I think the main reason i've decided to post this is because i find it..comforting when people say they've got similar problems going on, makes me feel less alone.
I am so tired right now i could scream. It's been 3 days now since i've slept, and despite keeping my eyelids propped open with match sticks, i can't sleep.
My head is busy, is that even the right word? I will take deep breath's in the hope to clear my mind, i will distract myself, i will listen to relaxing music, i will take my sleeping meds, i will try to cry (which often makes me sleepy) and..nothing.
I've got what my GP calls "severe insomnia" which has been problematic towards my mental health. I often become incredibly suicidal/low when i get to this stage of exhaustion, and it takes every ounce of strength to hang on, otherwise i'll just sink.
I'm on the highest possible dosage of Temazepam (40mg), the nurses at hospital used to call it the "baby elephant tranquiliser", i guess they don't often dose out such high dosages.
It's stopped working. So i've now told myself i won't continue to have it - it's a waste when it does nothing.
I'm on Risperidone, which i was put on last week, and i get no relief from it sedation wise.
This has been going on years, but it's becoming much much worse, and i'm at my wits end. I flip between being incredibly low, to slight mania - running around laughing and screaming.
My GP has no idea what to do for me, nor do psychiatrists.
Speaking of psychiatrists, i am SO sick of them. I have a consultant who, when i first met him, proceeded to laugh in my face and say i'm lucky not to be hearing voices (not even an exageration).
I refused to see him again, so i went a year without seeing anyone (other than when i was in hospital through OD's or when i went in as an inpatient and i saw a few different oncall psychiatrists).
Well, i saw one of his junior doctors last week, and my god, i came out more stressed/distraught than when i went in. He was, i believe, an Indian bloke, who could barely speak english, and if i wasn't repeating myself - i was trying to explain what i was saying so he could comprehend. I was ripping my hair out in frustration.
I'm NOT racist, i just want to speak to someone who speaks relatively good english. Do you know how hard it is to have someone foreign who has such a strong accent, that you can't properly communicate with them?
I simply can't communicate properly with someone who i can't understand and it upsets me, because then i think i'm abnormal for not being able to understand. My care coordinator Gemma (who i'm pretty close to) has said she also has problems sometimes understanding them, which made me feel better.
My GP has written to Gemma asking for my consultant to be changed (the consultant being the one who laughed at me..), because my GP knows how distressed he makes me. So now i'm waiting to be transferred to someone else. I keep saying to Gemma i simply CAN'T see another psychiatrist - everytime i see one i get so wound up/upset that it's just not worth my time going anymore, but she's promised to go with me and be there for me.
Other than my GP (who is a fantastic guy) and Gemma, i have no other professionals in my life. No psychiatrists / psychologists.
I'm meant to be seeing someone from a place called Complex Cases in Cambridge who specialise in BPD (which i've recently been diagnosed with) - i can't go to Cambridge due to my agoraphobia, it takes all my strength to get to my next town where Amanda (the woman who will be seeing me from Complex Cases) will be seeing me on a "relatively regular" basis. But it's me putting HER out, and i don't feel i deserve that help.
I'm fed up of taking medications. I'm on my what? 12th? 13th? medication. I've been put on an anti-psychotic, and Gemma is pondering on why i've not been put on a mood stabaliser, as although anti-psychotics in small dosages can be used as a mood stabaliser, i'm on a relatively high dose, and i'm not psychotic.
I just feel like no one ****ing listens to me. I'm still being told when i see random psychiatrists that "i have depression" despite in my notes it saying i have BPD. They NEVER read my notes despite having them RIGHT infront of them.
I'm fed up of going round in circles with the MH Services. They're a bunch of useless idiots. I don't have one good experience to share with anyone. They stress me out even when i'm not dealing with them.
Hospital was a horrible experience despite only being in for 5 days.
The HTT/Crisis Team are RUBBISH. I understand they *may* be of use to some people, but to me they're not. They come to my house, ask how i am, i say fine, they leave. As i used to see someone different everyday i couldn't build a relationship up with anyone, so i wouldn't tell them how i was anyway!
They give useless information about "how to get to sleep" - if they'd bothered to read my notes, they'd KNOW i have severe sleeping problems, and suggesting to go for a walk to a person with an anxiety disorder & agoraphobia is just ****ing ridiculous.
It's now on my notes that under no circumstance am i to have the HTT/Crisis Team again. They stress me out too much, random phonecalls, random visits, random people, it just sends me into a panic.
I just want it to end. I KNOW everyone says that, but to me, i truely mean it. I have tried so f*cking hard to try everything. It's not that, it's the fact i genuinly do not want to be here. I feel completely hollow, like a walking body with no heart or soul. I'm tired of being alive. Of going through the same old crappy motions everyday.
I don't want to have a stupid career, or a job, or a family. I don't want any of that.
I just want to curl into a ball and disappear. I've written my funeral plans out, and who i want contacted when i'm gone, because although right now i won't be taking my life, i KNOW for a FACT i will not be here for 2010.
But it's getting others to understand why i don't want to be here that frustrates me. It has nothing to do with being "desperate", or being "fed up", it's an actual NEED to not be here. There's nothing here because i don't WANT anything.
All of the above is useless bullsh*t that just frustrates me in the here and now.
I don't know where this is going. I just needed to rant. If you've got this far, kudo's. I can't imagine anyone reading this bunch of crap.
Sorry. I'll probably end up deleting anyway!
Just wanted to let you know I've read. I wish I could think of something helpful to say but I'm not really sure what that is. I know the frustration of having to talk to someone you don't understand (most of the psychiatrist I've seen have been foreign as well) but hopefully this new one will be better and will be able to help you more. I understand that you feel guilty about the woman from complex cases coming to see you but there really is no need. They'll be used to dealing with people with similar problems and are more than happy to come and see you. I have BPD too and have been in a similar place to you before but the one thing I don't want to say is the classic 'things will get better' because I know how patronising it is. I hope seeing the complex cases team and the new psychiatrist helps you though.
Sometimes the way in life seems cloudy...But remember, after the storm comes clear skies
i just wanted to say that I've read, and I'm really sorry you're having such a **** time of it at the moment. I'm at my wits end with my CMHT, and stressing over that can't be doing you any good.
I'm sorry that this post really won't help at all, but *gentle hugs*
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Make us all feel wonderful. We'll never forget."
I read you and I love you kitten, I understand I promise, I'm just not really full of advice or help or anything, but I totally respect you and what you've been through, you're stronger than you know. Sorry I can't be more help but I wanted you to know I've read and am thinking of you as ever xxxxxxxxx
How could you become as awesome as you are and still feel like a loser?
Just wanted to let you know i've read this. you're not the one who has troubles with the crisis team! I can relate to not sleeping aswell, they dont give me sleeping meds anymore because they just don't make me sleepy.
Hopefully seeing a new psych will help, sometimes seeing someone with a new perspective on things can help a lot. Please keep trying to go to the complex cases meetings cos they are the people who wil ultimatley be best able to help you.
thinkning of you *hugs*
"Because you don't notice the light without a bit of shadow. Everything has both dark and light. You have to play with it until you get it exactly right."
It's absolutely horrific what you're going through hun. I will try to write more later, but I'm happy to write a nasty letter to them all or a nice lter to PALS if you're up for trying that. I know you're so damned tired of all this though and I completely understand and respect that. I really hope we sort something out though, I can hear what you're saying and you're right, you simply can't go on like that.
Have read and understood. They are all a bit stupid in the MH service, and I'm not just saying that to agree with you. They never seem to pay any actual attention and it just annoys me.
Am thinking of you, please try and give it one more go?
*offers hugs*
also have read, and undersand that awful feeling of just not wanting to be here. i truly hope your new pdoc is better and that you get the help that you need and deserve. thoughts are with you
