i couldnt bring myself to come here...and i feel so guilty for it. after all the support you guys have given me and i just keep disappearing. and the thing is...i cant tell you it wont happen again.
things have been so friggin hectic. im in full blown agoraphobia. its never been this bad. stepping outside leads me into a panic attack.
my psych took me off benzos FOREVER. i was being honest with her and told her that i was overtaking them. i was hoping to switch to another one that was less addictive but nope. she cut me off. im living without benzos for the first time in over 6 years. its pure HELL. kelly has been giving me her valium when it gets really bad.
our relationship is struggling. intimacy is nearly nonexistant.
we see things completely different. my idea of "making love" is just being with her, holding hands, a soft kiss, a cuddle, etc.
her idea of making love is sex like most people.
i cant get past it. my history is interrupting this relationship something crazy. sex to me is nasty whether with a man or woman. i go through stages or phases. sometimes im overly sexual and then i go into complete abstinence. i know shes getting fed up. its been a long long time.
i need to talk to my therapist about it but that means leaving my home which is damn near impossible.
i just dont know. i feel bad. my body is physically falling apart. this damn orthopedic is putting me through hell with all these damn tests....still with no answer. but, of course, he wont listen to me, because apparently doctors know EVERYTHING. how dare i think i know whats going on with my body??? shame on me. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
anyhow...im frustrated. im addicted to opiates. go figure.
im so so sorry i cant read these triggering threads. i want to so bad, but havent had a drink in almost 5 months and i havent seriously harmed in a good while. im scared to take a chance right now. im hanging quite loosly.
i love you all very much.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference.
*hugs* well done for going five months without SI you're obviously very strong and i hope you can fight the stuff you're going through right now. Is there anyway your doctor/psych/counsellor can come visit you in your house if you tell him/her how bad it is? Anyway sorry I'm not much help, just wanted to let you know you're always welcome to post and we're always here to listen, take care, hugs, Hannah
"I am me and me is good enough if I would only be it openly"
is there no way your pysch can come to you?
sorry your having a hard time, i dont know you very well, but i do know you are so strong. you can get through this.
xxx
Could they not have weaned you off the meds slowly?
I'm sorry things are so bad hun *massive hugs*
Well done for not haroming for so long thats great xxxx
"Because you don't notice the light without a bit of shadow. Everything has both dark and light. You have to play with it until you get it exactly right."
i spoke to my therapist today. there is no way for him to come see me as he has patients every hour. but he will do phone sessions with me until my anxiety is managing a bit better.
im really anxious right now as we talked about intimacy issues. unfortunately, that ugly four letter word "time" is what he said....lots of patience...etc. and lots of talking it through. i somehow have to integrate love and sex into one. instead of sex being nothing but a disgusting physical act.
anyhow...thats bout it.
thanks again guys for your support.
xxxxxxxxxx
A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference.
I am glad you spoke to your therapist, it is good he is willing to do phone sessions I guess. Not very good with words at the moment, but I really hope things start to get easier for you. *sends lots of safe hugs and love* xxx
it is important to intergrate the two and with time i hope you'll find a way to do it. it definatley is good to start with cuddles and kisses, maybe you need to tone it down and try to make kelly understand that it's impossible for you to connect the two when you aren't ready to accept her idea of lovemaking just yet.
you need to decide what you do like and feel confortable and safe with and be able to trust that she won't push and if things progress any further it's because you want it to. have a safe base and build on it. when i first met matt i found intimacy hard, but we persevered and it came eventually. love you honey, mand x
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
*offers hugs* Well done on calling your therapist and that's good to hear that he's able to do phone appointments till you're able to get out again. What if you showed Kelly some of what you wrote here to help her understand how hard lovemaking is for you atm and together you can work through this.
Remember there's no such thing as a small act of kindness.
Every act creates a ripple with no logical end. ~ Scott Adams
Im in a similar position to you as that my husband and I havent made love for almost 5 years now due to me and my abusive past. Im sorry, I havent any answers and I havent yet found a way to deal with this. But maybe with time and therapy......
