Being new here I keep feeling guilty asking for help and such, it's not really in my nature to let people know I'm struggling either or to tell people my problems so I'm sorry for being so vague if it comes across that way. I need to stop apologising for everything I do too :(
I've not self harmed for over a month now, some nights have been particularly hard and I'm ashamed of myself since I've just replaced one coping mechanism with another. I do this thing where when I get worked up I start pulling my eye lashes out which although doesn't cause lasting damage and isn't any form of health risk it does look really unsightly now that I have pretty much no eyelashes again thanks to last night.
I'm smoking again too and I want a drink really bad, even bought some but I'm trying to resist as I'm at my worse when alone and drunk when it comes to SI.
I know I should get rid of the alcohol (and I must admit, my blades too) as it's only a temptation to me but something is stopping me from doing so, instead I just have them hidden out of sight for now.
I guess I'm writing this as maybe they're not that bad compared to SI other than alcohol letting my guard down or are they just as bad? I don't really know what to do, my post seems kinda silly thinking about it, they're probably not that bad.
This is where I kinda get vague as I don't like to talk about it but I'll say as much as I can about it.
I loathe my body, I'm not comfortable even in my own skin and... I don't know how to fully explain it to a point where other people may understand other than my own skin makes my skin crawl. Anyway, I've been trying to sort that out and for the most part I've been doing ok but there are some people either love to stare or see me as less of a human being or something or seem to get a kick out of showing me that I'm different, I dunno why they do it but it does hurt.
I don't even really feel safe in work anymore as it's started to happen there too despite my employer saying they've sorted it.
I don't know where I'm going with this, I can't think straight :(
*offers hugs* i don't have really many words at the moment; but just wanted to let you know I read your post and am thinking of you... keep posting and don't be afraid to ask for help here.
Remember there's no such thing as a small act of kindness.
Every act creates a ripple with no logical end. ~ Scott Adams
Hiya, well done for going a month, I know how difficult it is to talk about things but hopefully it helps if we can help support and understand you. Do you know if you have something called Body Dismorphic Disorder? Work colleaugues can be really annoying but please believe in yourself and try and think of it as their problem, not yours, nobody should feel like that. Alcohol is always my downfall, I haven't SI'd sober in years, I can fight it when I'm sober, but whenever I give in I'm drunk and I do give in, so if you have the strength to resist the alcohol please please do. Please keep posting, hugs, Hannah
"I am me and me is good enough if I would only be it openly"
thanks for the kind words everyone, it's really appreciated.
I have something different to Body dysmorphic disorder, although I came to terms (and embraced) what disorder I have some years ago, it's still a constant struggle to be happy with who and what I am and I'm stupid because I'm still being really vague lol.
I'm just going to explain it and then it's done and I can stop tip toeing around what's wrong with me then and perhaps regret it later lol.
I have Gender Dysphoria which I've struggled with all my life but the last 4 years have been the life changing years. Around 4 years ago I figured I had nothing to lose, skipping the whole story with lost friendships, damaged family relationships and waiting lists with doctors and clinics here I am today, everything I've acomplished has been done by myself. It's much longer and more complex than this but I'm still reluctant to fully open up.
What's frustrating is it's only the past month that I've finally started to see doctors about it all after waiting all this time on a waiting list, and I've only just been officially diagnosed. I've been walking around pretending everything is ok as people are expecting me to be as the appointments are finally happening but with no longer having any friends that I can confide in, it's taking it's toll on me keeping it all inside.
I want to say more but it's difficult and almost as if I'm still ashamed of who I am.
*hugs* well done for being open with it and embracing who you are. Please feel that you can talk about it on here; it must be hard keeping all your thoughts and feelings about it inside.
Remember there's no such thing as a small act of kindness.
Every act creates a ripple with no logical end. ~ Scott Adams
welcome to vets. well done on posting, it can be really hard, but you wont be judged or anything here, and it can be really good to get things "off your chest"
well done on being SI free for a month. i would get rid of the alcohol if you can, it is just too tempting, and i usually end up self harming when i drink too much, i think it lowers your gaurd, or whatever the words are.
sorry i dont have much to say.
and again welcome to vets! xxx
Just wanted to say well done for being so open and honest, that must have been hard.
And for not ctting for a month - well done!
I would chuck the blades though to get rid of the temptation. its too easy if they are there to give in if you are having a low moment.
Keep talking to us if it helps xx
"Because you don't notice the light without a bit of shadow. Everything has both dark and light. You have to play with it until you get it exactly right."
I thought today was going to go well, I woke up early and positive which rarely happens with me lol. Got into to work to find an email sent from my supervisor which has actually just a forwarded message from her supervisor.
The email was about me that I needed to be told something (which she had got wrong anyway, I hadn't done anything wrong) but she didn't to tell me because of the "fuss" it caused last time she spoke to me about something so she passed it onto my supervisor for her to tell me instead.
Maybe I overreacted but this upset me a little, as I seem to cause all this fuss so people dare not speak to me :( It's made me think maybe I shouldn't be employed as my problems seem to be affecting my work more than I thought they were. So I emailed my supervisor back stating I'm still having problems in work and even that maybe I shouldn't be employed there as I just cause problems
Then later my so called best friend came back into work who still isn't talking to me, I think the friendship is over which I've pretty much come to terms with but it's the fact that she came near me to rub it in how great things are going with her friends. If anyone is curious, she's not talking to me because she was forever making plans and cancelling to see other friends instead so I never saw her, I got annoyed at her over this so she's fallen out with me because I got annoyed... It made me realise it's just like some nursery kids friendship.
So after having a lousy day I just went to the pub straight after work, I know they were little things that happened but they were enough to put a downer on my day.
Yeah, so rant over :) tomorrow is a new day and all that, so hopefully work will go better tomorrow.
*hugs* I hope tomorrow is better than today, I know losing a friend is hard, but when they let you down like that sometimes you're just better off without them. Hope work goes okay and please rant away :)
"I am me and me is good enough if I would only be it openly"
