Triggering (SI/OD) - Just need to hurt/OD or more *trig sui*
Sorry, I don't really post on this board, usually vets support but I feel a bit of a hypocrite. I have a new "positive post" on vets support at the moment and it is truthful but I've got to that point where the urges are just so overwhelming. Just need to self destruct. So tired of fighting this, I'm too old to still be doing this. I'm just weak and pathetic. Take an OD or not take an OD? I know what the answer is really but it isn't the answer I want right now.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
if you have a positive post on veterans maybe you should take a look at that. things are not so bad that you should endanger your life by taking an od. I know things can be overwhelming and it is so hard. and you are not too old for this struggle. everyone goes back to their old stand by coping mechanisms when things get really stressful and also when new things we have never dealt with before creep up. try to find some new strategies that you have never tried before. you need to expand your support strategy tool box. each problem requires a different tool you just need to find the right one. (((hugs)))
listen and learn
the universe speaks
as we crawl and crave
as we love and weep
there is no fate
there is only what we make
I've tried re-reading the positive post and it does nothing. I've tried and tried recently and it always comes to this. Even when I'm not as low as this in mood, I still have to fight the urges not to harm and kill myself. Why is that?
If I'm honest, I don't think I am ready to be able to cope without cutting and that makes me feel rubbish. Weak and stupid. I'm supposed to try not to and I have been and it has reduced back to a much less chaotic and more of a coping mechanism level. I don't want to stop right now and that makes me so hypocritical. Will I ever be at the point where I don't create the chaos, when I don't need to hurt myself so much, when the thoughts of taking an OD are not the predominant ones in my mind?
Sorry.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
i think you did a really brave thing by posting here, stepping out of your comfort zone. it takes a lot of courage to post seeking support, but we really are here to help any way we can. please don't suffer in silence. there's no need to be sorry for posting either.
i know sometimes how you would feel a bit hypocritical. i mean we can all post supportive replies about how one should resist harming themselves, and deal with the issues in a different way ourselves. i think the important thing is not to go so hard on yourself. you are human. the stuff you're dealing with, and going through right now, it's tough going. and one of the tough things about recovery is that it can be so confusing, your emotions can be all over the place, and you don't really know how you feel about anything. but the beautiful thing about recovery is that, although you can feel all confused, but that it won't last forever. there is always hope. even when your dreams & goals seem so far away, you have just got to keep your head down, and push through, because it will be better one day. it will get easier in time. feeling down now doesn't make you weak or stupid. it just verifies that you are human. hang in there.
but the beautiful thing about recovery is that, although you can feel all confused, but that it won't last forever. squishes*
I filled in a questionnaire thingy for the psychotherapy place I am being referred to (initial assesment appt has been offered at beginning of March). I suppose trying to fight things whilst that dragged things up, has been difficult. I am confused though and I said I was. I've gone frmo this capable person and now I am a wreck, I hear things, see things, sh, OD, drink til I'm wasted, want to self-destruct. Where is the person who used to be me? Has someone taken over me? Was the other me a lie? The confusion is really difficult, to be able to make a little more sense of things and be able to put things in a more manageable/order was one of the things I said I would like to get from the treatment. Don't even know if they will accept me.
Sorry, things swimming around. Need to get a grip. They're screaming me at times at the moment and it makes it harder to drown them out and makes harming myself all the more attractive.
Sorry, thank you for taking the time to read my drivel and reply.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
OK, so have been distracting myself but to no avail. Haven't taken night meds as I don't know if I can be trusted to just take what I'm supposed to. Why is it that the urge to OD is so great? I really don't myself.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
That's great that you have an appointment through already, a d march isn't too far off now.
I know you wrote that incredibally positive post but that doesn't mean you won't have slips. The fact that you can write something like that I think Is huge.
You aren't too old to feel like this, it's an illness it doesn't discriminate.
Did u manage to take your Meds?
Take care hon xxx
"Because you don't notice the light without a bit of shadow. Everything has both dark and light. You have to play with it until you get it exactly right."
Thanks for keep turning me back to the realisation that there are still positives and I need to hang on to that. March is really just over a month away. It's not as far away as it sounds, is it?
Yeah, took meds last night but was a little naughty and had a little extra to make myself go to sleep quicker.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
Hey carrie
Just wondered how last night went? hope you are ok and managed to stay safe xx
And no march is no time away and then you will have your assessment and soon will be starting therapy which is the start of positive changes so it doesn't have to be like this any more.
"Because you don't notice the light without a bit of shadow. Everything has both dark and light. You have to play with it until you get it exactly right."
They prob won't want me. No-one wants to take responsibility for me. Need to OD, reached out and asked for help and got knocked back. I tried so hard, I really did
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
They will want you so long as you are honest with them about how things are. And i think you have been from what you wrote on here, and if you are honest they can help you. tbh your cpn and psych just sound a bit crap but hold on to the fact that the red house is nearly here. You can do it, remember all your positives? and the running?
Stay strong sweets xx
"Because you don't notice the light without a bit of shadow. Everything has both dark and light. You have to play with it until you get it exactly right."
